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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving overseas for three years

199 replies

Raven11 · 01/10/2019 09:33

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 02/10/2019 06:58

Yep OP, if you're doing a masters and then a PhD, you're going to have to sort that out! Jeeze, a single "would of" in your dissertation is going to really let you down

Writing on mumsnet is different to writing a thesis....different audience y'know

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/10/2019 07:25

He has to do the right thing for him and you the right thing for you.

He isn’t wrong is taking the job, in fact he’d be mad not to take this opportunity, especially in the current job market.

Dyrne · 02/10/2019 07:27

I love how this has now been turned around as being the OP’s fault for daring to not want to leave her family behind Shock

I’m sure she’s well aware of the fact that in the future it may become impractical for her to continue being a full time carer; however in the here and now that is what she is doing.

What is she just doesn’t want to uproot her entire life, friends, family, to follow a bloke to the USA (a bloke who didn’t even think enough of her to include her in any serious way in the decision making).

If she moved to the US she’d potentially have to put her masters on hold, her PHD plans on hold, potentially wouldn’t be able to work...

I think it’s awful that people are completely dismissing the upset the OP is feeling about her partner making a massive life choice without including her at least in the decision making process; and just spending pages and pages of telling her how she should completely drop her entire life plans to centre around a man who didn’t even make a token effort to show her she is even a vague priority in his.

I’m not saying the boyfriend is wrong to want to pursue his dream - but it is completely wrong to expect his girlfriend to either out her life on hold to go out and be with him; or to wait around at home pining for him like it’s the 1940s and he’s gone off to war.

If you’re a serious enough couple to expect that kind of commitment, then you’re serious enough for the decision to move abroad to be a serious one discussed between the two of you.

CinnamonMentos · 02/10/2019 07:32

If they aren't married, it would be very difficult for her to go with him anyway. She would need to get her own work visa, which is quite hard. Unless you have a specific skill they need, there’s not much chance of that happening.

Dyrne · 02/10/2019 07:55

To clarify my point - there isn’t anything wrong with women making the decision to support their DH’s career by either being a trailing spouse or facilitating a Long Distance Relationship. Even someone just going “fuck it” and joining in in the adventure without any expectation of commitment.

The key thing here is he is apparently expecting that level of commitment from her without showing her the same level of courtesy in involving her with any decision making process.

gingersausage · 02/10/2019 07:58

@CinnamonMentos.....are cinnamon Mentos a thing?? Did you just make them up for your user name??

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2019 08:12

Raven I don't understand this. You graduated with a third in 2016, so you're not unintelligent. Why are you devoting so much time to your grandmother? I'm assuming it's the same one who was in her mid-80s in November 2016 when you said she was a nascissist, selfish, can't help but lie and manipulates? She's caused you all sorts of problems for years, upset members of your family, tried to drive wedges between you and your sister, and at that point you said "I just can't cut contact with her (which I would like to)?

Has she had some incredible conversion? Where's your mother in the this, the devout Christian?

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 02/10/2019 08:22

You're both young, there's no need to do anything irrevocable straight away. See how it goes.

At a similar age, my friend waved his girlfriend off to start an amazing new job overseas. They weren't ready to get married and he couldn't easily get work there. A couple of years later, by sheer luck, his company opened an office in the city she worked in, and he got a job there. They came home together when her contract finished and got married.

It could have gone either way, but it worked out. Keep an open mind, don't be afraid to end it if it's not working, but try it if you think it could work out.

Saddler · 02/10/2019 08:27

How did you get on OP?

myrtleWilson · 02/10/2019 08:33

I wondered that too Shatners - also the Uncle used to live with the Grandmother but he's not been mentioned either...

ShirleyPhallus · 02/10/2019 08:56

Your grandmother really does sound awful

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2019 10:11

26 and being a full time carer for a gm is hard

Where are the other family

Has dp said come over ? Does he want to try a long distance relationship

If he had proposed then said going would it have made a diff ?

You have been together 18mths yet see each other only at weekends usually

Why do little?

In the end 3yr isn’t forever and if you feel this is the man you want to be
with for the rest of you life

And he feels the same then try a long distance relationship

Tonnerre · 02/10/2019 10:18

A grandmother who wants her 26 year old grandchild to give up her life in order to care for her full time because, although she could go into a home, she doesn't want to, certainly seems rather selfish.

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 02/10/2019 10:33

Well if the roles were reversed, OP would certainly not be taking flak for upping sticks and moving to the US to follow a dream opportunity (job or education..doesn't really matter) and choosing her own needs over that of a man Hmm
So hypocritical, especially since OP has only been encouraged to follow her own dreams for studying but this man is a terrible person for doing the same...

edgeofheaven · 02/10/2019 10:42

To be perfectly blunt, if he loves the US and his experience there, he will be highly incentivised to find an American partner to increase his chances of being allowed to stay there long-term. That's on top of the normal difficulties with being in a long-distance relationship.

Interestingly I have a relative who was in an LDR at a similar age to yours and as they began discussing moving to the same city and getting a place together, her partner took a job he'd earlier said he wasn't going to accept and caused their separation to be extended. She chose to end the relationship as well. I know this may be hurtful but he may just not be ready to commit and going to the States is a good reason without having to say he's not ready for long-term plans with you.

Time to walk away and move on. If I were you I'd be doing it now rather than drag it out.

Dyrne · 02/10/2019 10:49

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo I don’t think anyone has said that he’s a terrible person for wanting to move abroad; merely that the OP has zero obligation to stay with a man who would make such a decision without so much as a discussion on how it would affect them as a couple.

CinnamonMentos · 02/10/2019 10:53

gingersausage

They are real and they’re amazing! I’m American (live in the uk now) and they’re very popular here. All things cinnamon are popular here!

Zeusthemoose · 02/10/2019 10:59

Honestly op I think he's made the right choice. He's only 26 and these opportunities don't come along often. It's sad for you OP and I really do feel for you however I don't think you should put a downer on it. Tbh I think you becoming a full time carer at 26 as prob made the decision easier for him. I know your also studying aswell but putting it bluntly how old is GM? You could be tied down for years. Potentially you could find yourself in your late 30s with lots of qualifications but no experience.

Perisoire · 02/10/2019 11:53

Maybe OP is getting free room and board at her grandma’s enabling her to to her PHD?

She hasn’t said that grandma needs round the clock care.

Breakfast1nBed7295 · 02/10/2019 12:38

I have friends that live on different continents & are in a relationship. They both work & meet up in various places to spend time together.

It's the ops choice to look after her relative

It's the man's choice to go abroad

Older people need more care as they get older
Op how will you feel if you are in the same position at 36, 46, not working, given up your life for someone else ?

justmyview · 02/10/2019 16:35

How did it go last night @Raven11? It's a tough situation to be in. If he wants to go, I think you have to support that. You don't want him to stay here and resent you for it

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2019 21:40

Yes please come back and update @Raven11

Hairyfairy01 · 02/10/2019 21:58

How did your talk go op? I think this thread has derailed a bit. Every family and every situation is different. Personally I admire and respect op for looking after her grandmother. We don’t know the full situation and i’m Sure there are benefits for the op in looking after her grandmother as well, and I don’t just mean financial ones. Wishing you all the best op whatever happens.

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