Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP moving overseas for three years

199 replies

Raven11 · 01/10/2019 09:33

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 10:56

@Myriade
DoctorAllcome, except that even wo the fact she is a carer, she STILL wouldn’t have been able to go as she wouldn’t be able to get a visa.

Wrong. Immediate family of immigrants on a work permit type visa CAN get a visa. There is also no limit to these family visas so if he has a work visa, and they are married she will 100% get a visa.

Even if she can’t. She can live in the US for 6mos with no visa. So she could accompany him,see how it goes and try and get her own independent visa or marry him or return to UK for 90days and then go straight back to US for another 6mos with no visa.

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 10:57
  • even if she can’t marry him now I meant.
Geronimo8 · 01/10/2019 11:00

End it on good terms. If you're both happen to be single in three years then see how you feel. It's not a proper relationship having all been done long distance. You still don't know how it would be to live together. Send him on his way and wish him well. He likely will find an American to marry and won't ever be back anyway.

Yabbers · 01/10/2019 11:01

Could you take your family member with you? Or would that not work at all?

Said nobody who has cared for a disabled person ever. 🙄

Yabbers · 01/10/2019 11:02

I think those saying he chose the job over you are wrong. You could equally say you chose the UK and caring over him

Because caring for a family member is a choice🙄

Samosaurus · 01/10/2019 11:03

So sorry OP what a heart-breaking situation for you. Realistically given your ages and length of time you'll be apart it is very unlikely to work out. You are both still only mid-twenties and you may not even be the same people in three years time. I don't think you should try and be happy for him - for the sake of your own mental health, and if he is expecting you to celebrate with him, then he is being very insensitive.

WonderWomansSpin · 01/10/2019 11:04

He's been sending you mixed signals and I think the fact he sent you a text to tell you something that impacts on you is either a sign of cowardice or that he's already pulling away.
I'd be tempted to end the relationship. You can maintain a long distance friendship and see where you both are in 3 years.

justmyview · 01/10/2019 11:05

@DoctorAllcome I think that scenario is very different because soldiers were sent overseas, they didn't leave voluntarily

tweedledeedo · 01/10/2019 11:09

@Yabbers lots of eye rolling there but the OP said it was a choice she made. A decision

"he's been so supportive of this decision to care full time"

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 11:09

@Yabbers

I think you’re being overly sarcastic.
First, while agree taking a disabled person to the US is probably not a good idea it’s due to healthcare costs. Many disabled people do in fact travel and live in other countries. Being disabled & needing a carer doesn’t always mean you have to be housebound in the same house for life.

Second, yes, being a full time carer for a family member IS a choice. Especially since families tend to have more than one person who can take on that caring role. No one should be forced into that role because they are female, unmarried, young. This is not the Victorian era where parents would pick a daughter and force her to dedicate her life to caring for them in their old age. Care can be divided between family members, turns can be taken and also family can crowd fund a paid carer.

Standingatthedoor · 01/10/2019 11:10

Caring for a family member and electing to be their full time carer at 26 are not the same. If the OP didn't do this full time then something else would be sorted out, and she could still be very much involved in the caring but without it being her actual job. Her future prospects are reduced by doing this full time as well, and to have a job or college course or whatever would benefit her in the long term. I know plenty of people with disabled children who still work and this is the right choice for them.

Grandmi · 01/10/2019 11:10

I actually feel torn for both of you . He obviously needs a job and struggling here ,but you are committed to looking after a relative which is a massive commitment for you . How will the arrangement work if you meet someone else ? What a dilemma !

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 01/10/2019 11:11

End it, let him go and re-assess your own future.

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 11:12

@justmyview
I think that scenario is very different because soldiers were sent overseas, they didn't leave voluntarily

Except for those that volunteered. Not all of them were drafted. Every Red Cross nurse that went also volunteered. I did state it’s different scenario, but point still stands that it is possible to marry and wave goodbye for 3-4yrs and still have a good relationship after that.

Original poster
Raven11 · 01/10/2019 11:15

Thank you all. You've made me realise that it's okay for me to feel hurt and I don't have to be happy for his new chapter.

I'm going to go see him tonight and have a sit down conversation with him. He should go for this opportunity, he obviously wants to do it and maybe when he gets back in three years we can see where we are. I've done relationship in other countries before and they've never worked. It will get to the point where we have nothing to talk about. We'll both make different friends and as the months will go on the communication between us will dwindle to almost nothing.

There's always going to be an elephant in the room that he's going. How can we plan things when he's going to be living another life in a few months.

I live and care for my grandmother. She just said to me "the cheek of him, thinking he's going to come over here again to have sex with you just to roll out if bed to go to America".

OP posts:
BeUpStanding · 01/10/2019 11:16

Tonight's the night to end it unfortunately Flowers

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 11:18

My two cents is that ending it now is giving up at the first hurdle.
This is sooooo common in married couples. The fact it happened now is just timing. In every couple there is always the job offer falling in your lap where you go home and you say “honey, how do you feel about Japan?”

You work it out. You don’t give up. And I disagree that you don’t have a proper relationship (you do) and I disagree that 18mos is not enough time to be ready to marry (it absolutely can be with right person).

I don’t think he accepted this job thinking it would be a deal breaker and a future without you. I think very much he is hoping there is a way to make it all work out.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/10/2019 11:21

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Standingatthedoor · 01/10/2019 11:22

I'm not a grandmother but I am old enough to be your mum OP and I would not want a young woman to give up her life to look after me. She is concerned about the cheek of your boyfriend but there is an element of that in her behaviour too. I'm quite sure you won't accept that but you are in a position that is really curtailing your future. What job will you do when, a long time in the future I hope, your dgm isn't around any more?

Span1elsRock · 01/10/2019 11:22

Don't drag it out. Tell you're happy for him, but it's not going to work and then completely end contact.

Protracting it out for a few months is futile and is just prolonging the hurt.

It's crap for you, but he's made this choice willingly. Flowers

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 11:23

He sent you an online message to tell you he was leaving the country for 3 years and expected you to celebrate it?

Don't waste any more of your time, it will be just 3 years gushing about how grand life is for him, how much he's grown blah blah blah. Then the ol' 'I've changed' 'We've grown apart', etc.

Would say no to any proposal, too, it's just putting you and your life on hold and then they'll be 'We've drifted apart' 'I met someone else'.

Spare yourself heartache and cut him loose. You are not obligated to be happy about this or to celebrate it so do not be guilted into that.

CinnamonMentos · 01/10/2019 11:23

It’s very hard but if I were you, I would end it, at least for now. You both need to to move on with your life, you can’t be in limbo for the next 3 years. After he’s back, you can always see if you can start things up again, provided you’re both still single. A lot can happen in 3 years.

MindyStClaire · 01/10/2019 11:25

Oh that's awful.

DH spent two years working in the US. It was hard but we made it work, as it would enable him to stay working in our home city in the long term. If he hadn't gone, realistically we would've had to move and we didn't want that. We bought a house just before he left, and by the time he was finished it was done up. We visited for a week every three months.

However. We made the decision together, completely. It was the best long term option for us, and for both of our careers (I would've been able to get a visa but it was very unlikely I would've been able to get a job that would develop my career over there). If I had said no, he wouldn't have gone.

If he had just presented it as a done deal with celebratory emoticons I would've felt very very differently.

everyonecaneffoff · 01/10/2019 11:25

I live and care for my grandmother. She just said to me "the cheek of him, thinking he's going to come over here again to have sex with you just to roll out if bed to go to America".

I like Grandma!
I also think he would be cheeky to expect you to hang around waiting for him for 3 years.
Things like this can work out, but more often than not, don't.

He has chosen the job over you. He was talking about marriage and kids and all of a sudden he's off to America with no discussion.
I would end this - that's me talking as a 42 year old of course.

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 11:27

And I also agree with Standing there is zero way on Earth I would let my young granddaughter become a FT carer for me and curtail her future for my benefit. That's like something out of the 1950s where the girl gives up her life to be a carer and never gets a life of her own, man, that is wrong. Honestly there a lot wrong with that set up.