DP moving overseas for three years

[Raven11]

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

@WellButterMyArse
Yes, well we need some optimism to balance out the LTB cause he’s choosing fun in the USA over you pessimism on here.

Whether breaking up or not is a mistake only time will tell. Only OP and DP know the depth of their feelings for each other. If it’s casual, then yeah so what if they break up. But if they end up being “the one that got away” then it would be a mistake. My points are simply that it can be worked out if OP and DP have a desire to stay together

Living the life of a Victorian spinster to care for a selfish granny will never be fun

Except the OP has been quite explicit that that is not what she is doing. She agreed to move in with Gran, she has (or had) a relationship and she is studying. Even if she wanted to give all this up to go OS - and there is nowhere where she has said she really wants to do this - she could not easily get a visa. Studying is good because it will hopefully lead to a better job and/or a career she is passionate about. She is doing something for herself. Chances are if she wanted another relationship she could have one - she's not a 'spinster' (although there is nothing wrong with being one - that's a bit of a value judgement).

Is there no-one else in the family who could look after your grandmother? It really shouldn't be you putting your life on hold for that.

@aarghcobwebs
Jesus you again. It’s not called a “cohabiting partner visa” first off. It’s a partner visa. You only have to cohabit while in the US. You don’t have to be cohabiting before being in the US. You just have to supply evidence of a relationship. Lots of ways to do this. You can even apply for it after your partner has their visa by submitting a copy of the visa and their passport with your visa application.

You can’t say the OP doesn’t qualify for a partner visa because they are not cohabiting. Yes, she might not get approved but that’s with any visa application and not a reason to not apply.

People just don’t seem to get that the OP doesn’t have a choice about going to the US with her boyfriend for 3 years. Not because she is looking after her grandmother but because she wouldn’t get a visa. If she somehow did manage to get a visa she couldn’t legally work to support herself. Regardless of Granny the OP can’t go to the US.

Well is it a job or a higher ed course he’s been accepted for?

Either way, you doubt you’re eligible for any kind of US visa, so can’t go with him. He’s decided to go anyway. Neither of you can afford regular travel.

Relationship is v likely over!

FFS - where has the OP said that she feels she is putting her life on hold for her grandma - maybe she wants to look after her

No we don't drallcome, especially if it's the sort of optimism that requires you to ignore several of the things OP has told you in order to sustain it.

Because caring for a family member is a choice🙄

Of course it is a choice. How many 26 year old grandchildren care full time for their grandparents? Almost none! It may be it works well now as you get the money, can study and so on. But I would be wary of statements like 'my grandma doesn't want to go into a home' because it may be that very shortly it will be more than a full-time job to care for her and she HAS to go into a care/nursing home. The option can't be you and only you if she is very ill, becomes more disabled or needs more specialist care.

You decided to become your grandma's carer (which is very career, location and life restricting at 26) after your boyfriend made his US application-so he could argue you chose her first. You may be happy with your choice.

i wouldn't want my children to become a carer to my mum or me at 26- if you are doing a Masters this might work, but after than you will need mobility to pursue most good careers (e.g. if you do a PhD you need to go into university, attend conferences, network internationally).

If you are 26, your grandma might only be late 60/70s? She could live to 100 so I don't see this as a long term solution to be honest.

Everyone commenting about OP’s partner studying in the US, it may be a research role in a niche field. You do have to apply for those roles and within the UK you need to be published in journals to be seriously considered. It’s possible that this role, whatever it is, has less stringent criteria than in the UK.

@Raven, I’m another that thinks it may be best to call it a day on the relationship. You might be able to remain in touch as friends, but don’t hold out hope of this working as a long distance thing

3 years is a LONG time, he could come back and you could move in together only to realise you have both changed as people and it doesn't work , he could meet someone there or you could meet someone... then what?

Id end it tonight and tell him to keep in touch as friends if he wants to!

@WellButterMyArse
No we don't drallcome, especially if it's the sort of optimism that requires you to ignore several of the things OP has told you in order to sustain it.

Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine. Similarly I could say we don’t need pessimism that requires you to fabricate negative assumptions about the OP or DP and their situation including the feasibility of a LDR

@aarghcobwebs is correct. No B-2 domestic partner visa for the OP as they are not co-habiting here. That’s a pre-requisite. LDRs can work. We were long-distance (US and UK) for 4.5 years and are happily married and have been living together in the USA for 3 years now. But you have to want it to work abd I don’t think OP’s bloke does.

I’m curious as to the visa type. An H-1B would allow a spouse H4, if they were married. It can’t be an L visa as he’s not being transferred. O-1 unlikely as she says he’s being paid a pittance. Possibly J-1? But that also had a spouse derivative so if they married she would be able to go.

You cannot “live” in the US in 6-monthly installments. Even 2 x 90-day VWP visits in a year is likely to cause problems, especially with a love interest here (CBP will always consider that to be a stronger tie than anything back home). There’s also the IRS issue to consider with a 180-day or more presence here each year. And healthcare - she wouldn’t qualify through the market place., so... she would need a good travel insurance policy. Seriously, if it was possible, we wouldn’t have been long-distance like we were for 4.5 years. I visited over 40 times during that period but never more than 2 weeks at a time. I was in secondary only once.

All-in-all it seems like an odd situation and I’m not even sure it’s kosher. Work visas have certain regulations regarding salaries and cant be used to bring in people to pay them less than an American would be paid. It’s not exactly human trafficking but it bears a string resemblance (the quote about being paid a pittance). If it’s a study visa he can’t work off-campus at all for the first year.

Does he actually have the visa sorted? Unfortunately I see a lot of people who’ve been “offered my dream job” over here but the employer is clueless as to the requirements for visas and that’s as far as it gets. A job offer without a visa approval is not even worth the paper it’s written on. Getting a job offer is easy. Getting a visa is the hard part.

You decided to become your grandma's carer (which is very career, location and life restricting at 26) after your boyfriend made his US application-so he could argue you chose her first. You may be happy with your choice.

This is an excellent point.

You could doctorallcome, but you'd be wrong. Because the things I have said are not fabrication, whereas your job falling into lap comment was the opposite of how OP has told us it happened.

As for ray of sunshine, you seem to get a tad sniffy when challenged yourself...

Wait on a second: we don't know that OP's DP has any inclination to invite her to join him anyway, do we? Talk of visas etc is a little premature until he has said he wishes she could come, too, surely?

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Like others have said, he has moved on and was doing that with or without you. By the sounds of it he expected you to just slot in with his plans. If this doesn't suit you, it is best to cut ties now and make your own future plans. Three years is a long time and enough time for either one of you to become 'firm friends' with so do else.
I would walk away now and build my life. I am no ones second choice

@Drallcome - the FAM is quite clear:

fam.state.gov/fam/09FAM/09FAM040202.html

FAM 402.2-4(B)(5) (U) Cohabitating Partners, Extended Family Members, and Other Household Members not Eligible for Derivative Status
(CT:VISA-778; 05-13-2019)
(U) The B-2 classification is appropriate for aliens who are members of the household of another alien in long-term nonimmigrant status, but who are not eligible for derivative status under that alien's visa classification.

@BritWifeinUSA
If your partner is a US citizen or permanent resident, the rules are different from what the OP would fall under. It’s completely different saying you are accompanying a U.K. national who is on a 3yr limited stay to saying oh I’m just visiting my American fiancee.

I wonder what it is you really want from him OP. I think if my DP decided to take on full time caring obligations towards granny when I was applying for overseas opportunities with the implication we'd be going together, I'd think that they weren't that serious about me.

Tbh I don’t think there’s much hope of this relationship working on either side.

It’s very easy to suggest that the bloke is in the wrong, that he’s accepted a job without considering the OP, but that works both ways.

OP currently lives with her grandmother who she is caring for? So how would that work if she and her partner wanted to move in together? Get married? Have children? Reality is that it wouldn’t, and truth here is that currently it is the DP having to make all the sacrifices, do all the travelling for him and OP to see each other, he would have to be the one who moved and then moved in with the OP’s disabled grandmother.

That’s not a solid basis for a relationship either, and I do think that the OP needs to consider her options with regard to her caring responsibilities and where those responsibilities place her with regards to having relationships in the future. Because if it’s not this bloke, it will be someone else, and the OP’s circumstances are such that they will affect her relationships in the future. And expecting her to be a full-time carer at 26 and for the foreseeable future is very unreasonable.

And with regards to the DP, OP said he started the application process quite a long time ago, so presumably when the relationship was far less established than it is now. And having not been able to find the same work here, he is not unreasonable to turn down the offer in favour of moving in with the OP and her grandmother, with no future job prospects for him here.

I would consider this relationship to be over, but through circumstance not through anyone’s fault. Right person perhaps, wrong time. If it’s meant to be, then in three years time you may both be in the right place, but as things currently stand you’re not.

turn down I meant accept the offer.

Agree withAquamarime1029.

OP I wouldn't take it as personally as some PPs are suggesting.

Yes he's "chosen this over you" but it doesn't sound like it was an easy decision for him or that you aren't important to him. I think it would be incorrect to assume he doesn't care about you.

I've been in a similar scenario but I had been with the guy for 6 years. He wanted to apply for a job abroad and I told him I couldn't deal with a long distance relationship like that. He ended up getting that dream job and we both separated. I never took it personally, he's a great guy and I didn't want him to forever resent me for stopping him living his dream and I truly wished him all the best.

Of course you're allowed to be sad OP. It's not very nice thing to deal with at all for both people

Many disabled people do in fact travel and live in other countries. Being disabled & needing a carer doesn’t always mean you have to be housebound in the same house for life.

Indeed they do. But lifting a person who has caring requirements, probable healthcare requirements, to another country because the carer's boyfriend takes a job, is quite different to someone with a disability deciding to travel and live overseas. The logistics required are so complex it really isn't so easy as "take them with you"

I speak as a parent with a child with CP. We have looked in to moving even just within the UK and the process of doing so, in order to ensure she has the right team around her would be incredibly complex and even then we couldn't guarantee we'd have there what we have here. And that's within the NHS in the UK. Add in the complexities of private healthcare and a pre-existing condition and it isn't something you'd consider unless it was for the benefit of either the carer or the caree. And this isn't.

She said it was her choice

Uhuh. And we all know that making those kind of "choices" is entirely free will. I'm amazed so few people understand that.