DP moving overseas for three years

[Raven11]

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

He had already applied to go before I started caring full time.

I doubt you went from doing nothing for her to a full time role though ... which is why I wondered if this influenced his thinking around the commitment you'd be free to make

As PPs have suggested, you might want to revisit what you're taking on, especially as you're already hearing the usual "don't want to go into a home". It's a shame this particular BF hasn't worked out, but there'll be future opportunities both personal and professional, and the fact you've already given up one of them just might lead GM to think this will be repeated

It's absolutely your choice to make of course, but at 26 maybe this is worth thinking about?

A word of warning about the B-2 visa, I lived that life for a couple of years as a trailing unmarried partner. You have very few options on that visa, you cannot work under any circumstances, you are limited in what you can volunteer for, you cannot study any accredited form of education, and if immigration get even a hint that you might overstay, they can refuse you entry, or refuse to extend the visa (tbh they can do that for any reason they like, US immigration are a law unto themselves). You will need to show that you and your partner are a solid, long term relationship, and that you still have strong enough ties to the UK to stop you overstaying. You might also have to demonstrate that your partner can support you financially, or that you are independently wealthy enough to fund yourself for the duration, given you cannot work yourself.

As a spouse to someone on a student visa, it is a little easier, but you still can't work, unless you can obtain work authorisation, and that will depend on what kind of student visa your DP has.

could have, would have.

I think the real p-taker here is your grandmother. She doesn't want to go into a home but is fine with a 26-year-old woman to give up her life to enable her.

Wow.

That said, your boyfriend's on a different trajectory in life now, your paths have diverged.

Is he doing a PhD in the States then? It's not clear. First you said he was going there for a "dream job". Now you are talking about him studying.
He could have studied closer to home.

How on earth can she expect to put your complete life on hold to care for her?

Unfortunately it happens, and the older and frailer they get the worse it can become - even if, when younger, the person's insisted "I'd never expect anyone to do that for me"

Not, perhaps, an ideal situation to be entering at 26 ...

You're 26! Go! Do it.

could have, would have.

Yep OP, if you're doing a masters and then a PhD, you're going to have to sort that out! Jeeze, a single "would of" in your dissertation is going to really let you down!

I agree 26 is too young to be living with and caring for your grandmother

I wouldn’t necessarily end it over this. It sounds like a great opportunity for him that he can’t get by staying here. And 3 years isn’t really that long. If you stay together throughout his time in the USA you will know for sure you are a strong couple with a future and will both have excellent qualifications to embark on the next stage of your life and careers together.

If you were in your late 30s and keen to start a family ASAP I might think differently but at your age you still only be touching 30 by the time this enforced separation is over. If you really like him I would give it a go and see what happens.

Ultimately, he's taken the job over you.

I don't think this is necessarily true. He may have thought he could have both. You didn't know yourself when you started the thread that this was a dealbreaker for you, so he may well be hoping it isn't.

Like pp, I also feel sad that what's standing in the way of this relationship is an elderly relative expecting to be put first. It would be different if grandma had a terminal diagnosis, but this is an arrangement that could go on for many years. I'm surprised at the assumption that you'll put your life on hold indefinitely and I can't blame your DP for not wanting to do the same, especially when the caring arrangement postdated his application for the job/course/whatever it is.

I think DP's motivations and priorities are not the key thing here, so much as your own. If you're decided that your studies in the UK and your commitment to your grandmother and your disinclination to have a LDR are more important than your relationship with this man, that's fine, of course, but I don't think you should think it's not a choice.

I think the real p-taker here is your grandmother. She doesn't want to go into a home but is fine with a 26-year-old woman to give up her life to enable her

Doing one degree is not giving up a life. It is potentially building a new career. Sounds better than following a man across the world to me.

Your GM sounds dreadful.
I have 3 GC no way would I want them to give up their lives to care for me, she has the opportunity to go into a home.
She is being selfish.

I would wave goodbye.

Let's face it, he's not going to be sitting in a trench being shelled as per  @DoctorAllcome he's going to be around lots of young American women and, aged 26, unlikely to stay celibate for 3 years. Most LDR fail because there are too many temptations closer. I'd send him on his merry way and get on with my life. I feel for you OP, it's very hard, but I couldn't hang around waiting on someone who may or may not decide to return and make a life with me.

I would end it tonight. If he really loved you he wouldn’t be choosing this job over you. Let him go, wish him lunch but tell him you won’t be waiting around for him.

I was dating someone a while ago who suddenly decided they were moving away to work, he expected me to sit around and wait for him and to travel to see him, as much as it hurt to end it, I think it was the best option as I didn’t want to be the person stuck behind hoping he wouldn’t find someone else.

Maybe the OP is getting carers allowance

Maybe the grandma is bad on her feet and needs general help day to day.

Maybe the OP offered to move in with Gran, do her day to day stuff, be paid whilst also studying a degree then masters.

Maybe it's not that bad a thing and the OP and Gran are working the system to their benefit

Gran (IMO) doesn't sound like hard work.

And where or where does the OP say SHE WANTS TO GO WITH HIM??? She just knows he does want to go and he is going

I don’t agree the issue is the grand ma at all.

When you want to get married, you are planning to siens your life together. And that starts with planning HOW and WHERE you will live. The OP’s dp didn’t say a word about it to her. Never explored how being in the USA could be managed etc....
So either he isn’t I retested in getting married and he dangled that idea to the OP knowing that’s what she wanted
OR
He is a prick that thinks that whatever he wants goes and he can decide what’s best wo any discussion with his partner.

Either way, I wouldn’t want to be with him.
And certainly wouldn’t plan my life to try and see him/spend 6 months in the US/find a job near him when he has never indicated he wanted me to be in the US with him.

I just read what you wrote about GM not wanting to go into a home.

yeah, she's being selfish here.

You're studying online. Are you having any social life at all?

^My two cents is that ending it now is giving up at the first hurdle.
This is sooooo common in married couples. The fact it happened now is just timing. In every couple there is always the job offer falling in your lap where you go home and you say “honey, how do you feel about Japan?”^

You work it out. You don’t give up. And I disagree that you don’t have a proper relationship (you do) and I disagree that 18mos is not enough time to be ready to marry (it absolutely can be with right person).

I don’t think he accepted this job thinking it would be a deal breaker and a future without you. I think very much he is hoping there is a way to make it all work out.

This all seems rather optimistic. I certainly agree that people can sometimes be very committed after 18 months, DH and I had agreed to marry by that point and we were younger. But this is a decision that was taken unilaterally by OPs partner rather than through discussion, which is totally fine but is pretty good evidence of where they're at in their relationship. He actively pursued the job, it didn't fall into his lap. And he thinks an appropriate way to tell OP is by text, whilst expecting her to be happy for him. None of that suggests she's making any kind of mistake here.

If he goes and you don’t I’d assume the relationship was over.

@YetAnotherSpartacus I agree up to a point, the difference is at 26, following a man across the world for the hell of it could be a fun adventure, and when you’ve had enough you can just come home. Living the life of a Victorian spinster to care for a selfish granny will never be fun.

FWIW I dint believe the DP when he said to the OP he wouldn’t go the US anyway.
You don’t go through a lengthy selection process if you don’t intend to take the job!

If he had been clearer and hadn’t just said what he thought the OP wanted to hear, maybe they would have been able to plan something together. But after pulling something like this, it would be hard to trust/believe him now....

@Myriade
When you want to get married, you are planning to siens your life together. And that starts with planning HOW and WHERE you will live.

What? Didn’t for me and my DH or many other couples I know. We didn’t agree to marry based on a magic plan of a spot on the map where we would live happily ever after while married. Marrying IS planning to spend your life together, but what you discuss is the reality of change and how to mesh priorities. You may have an idea where you want to live now, but you recognize that will change over time. Heck, DH and I are in a decades ongoing conversation about where would like to retire and we haven’t even decided if we want to retire to one place or he globe trotting silver foxes.

In our case, both of us has “followed” the other internationally and cross country for opportunities. We did not have any inkling that these would occur or where we would go before marriage. It’s been the same with my siblings. My brother moved to Ohio with SIL for her graduate degree and then SIL moved to Silicon Valley with my brother when he landed a dream job with Apple. My other brother moved to China to be with his wife when she got an amazing opportunity.

He could of got a similar role and paid for his course through student finance in the UK but it's more fun to be a student in the USA at our age for the experience than him living as a student in UK

You said in the original post that he'd got his "dream job" . Now you say he is actually studying there and having fun . Big difference. .You may as well break up now - he is putting "study and fun" before you .

DoctorAllcome, the B-2 6-month visitor visa for common-law spouses/partners of US visa holders is for co-habiting partners (members of the visa-holder's household), and you have to provide proof of this at interview. The OP doesn't live with her partner. It also doesn't permit you to work, so she would be entirely financially dependent on him.

Well, I’m an American with immigrant family members and she absolutely CAN live here for 6mos on a tourist visa. It’s not “immigrant intent” if you have a return plane ticket and you not only intend to leave the US but you actually do leave after the 6mos. She would only break the law if she overstayed.

Yes, she would break the law if she overstayed. But US immigration aren't obliged to wait until that happens; they're perfectly able to make an informed decision about the potential risk of an overstay and deny the applicant a visa, or entry to the country.

Having a return ticket is not exhaustive proof of lack of immigrant intent (I don't think you can even get into the States, as a visitor, without a return flight or onward travel booked). Having provable residence and commitments overseas can help to demonstrate you don't have immigrant intent... but none of that guarantees anything. If they're worried you'll overstay or work without permission (and having a partner in the US is prime red flag for this) they can deny you entry at any point, and they don't have to explain, prove or justify anything.

The OP doesn't qualify for a B-2 cohabiting partner visa, and will almost certainly be declined for a standard 6-month B-2 visitor visa (as the 90-day entitlement of the VWP is considered more than ample for someone of working age). Then, if she's declined for a B-2, she will experience difficulty using the VWP and may not be able to visit the US at all. If she makes repeated or lengthly visits on the VWP, she may also get flagged for concern.

The fact is, if you're not married or co-habiting, the options for accompanying a partner with a US visa are limited, not to mention financially draining, and it's worth knowing the reality of the situation before you make an expensive mistake.

If it were me, the lack of honesty and discussion would have killed the relationship. I mean, the OP states he told her he wasn't going - the OP might have been in denial, knowing deep down he very likely was going to go, but he can't see what's in her mind and if he really wanted things to work out that badly, should have at least broached the subject and discussed whether there was anything they could have done (although OP also says she doesn't want a pen pal, which is essentially what he would become when he leaves).