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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

258 replies

Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 19:47

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 19:49

For the context I was extremely shocked by his attitude and comments since he never made these in the last 9 months and is actually supportive at home...

OP posts:
OnTheBorderline · 29/09/2019 19:56

Is there any way he could have cheated on you? This sounds like guilty behaviour to me. I don't mean to cause you any extra upset though so sorry if it comes out that way.

Ihatefootball86 · 29/09/2019 19:56

Wow... I'd be furious! Certainly don't beg him or try to make him stay. I'd tell him to crack on with plans to separate and see how he reacts.
But I have quite a low tolerance for this manchild behaviour tbh. Good luck

OnTheBorderline · 29/09/2019 19:57

To clarify I mean the first night he was out.

Ihatefootball86 · 29/09/2019 19:58

Oh @OnTheBorderline yeah that crossed my mind too. sorry OP

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2019 19:59

Seriously, he should move out
He's a knob

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/09/2019 20:00

Wow that’s a big leap- sure there’s not more going on with him?
As for the holiday you need to take it in turns to have some peace, when she naps the other one goes off relaxes - sometimes men don’t offer this you have to say I’m doing this

Original poster
Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 20:01

I don’t believe he has cheated he’s more of a if I’m not happy I’ll leave and not cheat and I appreciate that. He was downstairs in the bar of the hotel I could see him from the room. The other 2 nights he went to a club didn’t hide it I knew. Obviously wouldn’t want to even imagine him cheating on me, seems unlikely but hey...
he spent the whole day today in the hotel room as if he’s miserable and sad. But I didn’t feel anything for him since he saw DD crying and didn’t dare offer to help regardless of our argument...

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 29/09/2019 20:02

I really don’t understand why he’s going out alone drinking when he’s on a family holiday.
I would just keep it as calm as possible for the rest of the holiday and see if he either sees sense or what he does next. To be quite honest if that’s his expectation of life with a baby then I wouldn’t want to continue the relationship.

Windydaysuponus · 29/09/2019 20:02

When we took ds 9 months away it was a meal out, ds slept in buggy til we walked back to the hotel. Film and early night!. He isn't 18 and you aren't in Ibiza.

EdWinchester · 29/09/2019 20:03

This is not OK.

You are both parents and should be parenting together, getting the baby to sleep and then having a meal/drinks whatever - together.

He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole.

gubbsywubbsy · 29/09/2019 20:03

How old is he ? Sometimes holidays show up issues you didn't realise were there at home . Maybe he has been feeling trapped since the baby and it's all come to a head now ( not saying he is right to but could explain it )

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 20:03

I have to say, you were pretty accommodating at being fine with him roaming the resort alone and staying out until 4am! No way would I have been happy with that for a start! If you need to stay in the room because of kids then you either stay in together or take it in turns for a brief walk and maybe grab some drinks on the way back.

I don't know what to say about the rest of it. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2019 20:03

Why did you think it was fine for him to go out without you? He should have wanted to sit in the room, have a glass of wine with his wife, something like that.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 29/09/2019 20:03

He's obviously expecting to holiday like a single bloke on his family holiday. What a knob.

Who's he out with til 4am? He's not partying on his own, is he.

stanski · 29/09/2019 20:04

I'm Sorry but disregarding all the rest, surely you should be taking it in turns to have a night out?! When do YOU get a break

Original poster
Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 20:04

I get that some men need to be told to help but surely he’s seen her being clingy sometimes and me needing a little break but hasn’t made a difference.
To be honest I’m not even feeling like engaging with him anymore in the last 2 days we got left here. It’s awful to say but I find him to be so childish for making these comments when I’ve done my best to raise our baby girl for the last 9 months without much help from him... I feel like if he doesn’t appreciate that why the hell would I make a step and apologize to him, I feel like he pushed my limits. I rarely swear but this was just too much for me...

OP posts:
OnTheBorderline · 29/09/2019 20:04

Maybe he got a taste for single life again and has decided that he resents you, and is now projecting onto you when you've done nothing wrong. It's hard to say but he's acting really badly Flowers

mankyfourthtoe · 29/09/2019 20:04

Tell hi he'll be looking after your daughter more if you split up so he'd better get used to it.
Get dressed up and have your night out tonight

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/09/2019 20:05

What a twat . Ok don't fall for this manipulation, he's trying to scare you into being submissive .
He's showing you who he is , men like this tend to show their true selves once a baby comes along .
Is there any way you and the baby can change your flights and come home. I'd be calling a supportive friend or family member and id be setting those wheels in motion to leave.
This was me 5 years ago and my ex used those kind of shock tactics to keep me biddable. I really feel for you op, I will never forget what that feels like

stanski · 29/09/2019 20:06

Secondly and others may disagree, but babies sleep in prams. There is nothing stopping you from Both together staying out for a quiet drink near the pool or something whilst baby sleeps... it's probably the only age you can do it.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/09/2019 20:06

I can't imagine going on a family holiday and then going out on my own and staying out until 4am. To me that is not normal.

Why can't you have a drink together in your apartment, or you put DD in a buggy (if she will sleep in it) and go out together (obviously not getting too drunk so you are incapable of looking after her)

user1480880826 · 29/09/2019 20:06

He sounds like a first class prick.

You seem to be partly blaming yourself by saying you know you shouldn’t have sworn at him. I totally disagree. It’s ok to get angry and, from what you’ve described, he absolutely deserved it. Don’t let him make you feel that any of this is your fault.

Tell him you’ll help him pack his bags when you get home.

Cloudyapples · 29/09/2019 20:06

I’m sorry but what kind of man goes on holiday with his family and goes off drinking and partying on his own every evening?!

hammeringinmyhead · 29/09/2019 20:07

This is a weird one - unless he did cheat, feels guilty and is now being awful so you will end it. I have to say that I wouldn't have been happy with my DH wandering off until 4am on holiday for more than one night, let alone 3 in a row. Why should he get to escape responsibility more than you?

I'd say he's trying to relive holidays from your child-free days but even then, surely it's a bit shit clubbing on your own.