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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

258 replies

Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 19:47

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 29/09/2019 20:36

This is ludicrous! You are on holiday, it should be 50/50- 50% him doing care, naps, changes, whilst you relax and vice versa. And doing care and going out, just for fun! Unfortunately you have a real problem on your hands.

SittingAround1 · 29/09/2019 20:37

Yep, it's not normal he goes out every night without you on a family holiday. In Spain parents take their children out with them and they sleep in the pushchair. Alternatively he could have asked the hotel if they have a babysitting service and you go out together.
Morning lie-ins should be taken in turns, the other parent can then have a siesta after lunch.
One child is quite mangeable if both parents are sharing equally.

I think I'd go home early and pack his bags if I was in your situation.
This man is awful.

Jezzballs2000 · 29/09/2019 20:37

I’m sure he said it in the heat of the moment but it’s really infuriating behaviour. You’re entitled to be very upset xx

TheABC · 29/09/2019 20:39

I am not going to jump to "Leave the Bastard", but this has been a good wake-up call for you.

If he stays (and that's your choice too), he does 50% of the housework and 50% of the childcare. If he goes, he gets 100% of the housework and 50% of DD's contact time. Including nursery costs on his time.

I am glad to see you are on maternity leave: don't give up that job!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/09/2019 20:40

Jelly bean has summed it up : hes the one that's done wrong yet he's the one " punishing " you.
Put like that it sounds absolutely nuts doesn't it?
But when you are in the middle of it you don't know what's hit you

Interestedwoman · 29/09/2019 20:40

It sounds like he has a problem with binge drinking both on holiday and at home, and enjoys it a bit too much. The staying out etc isn't something most women, at least with young children, would put up with.

Span1elsRock · 29/09/2019 20:40

He's 35 and clubbing, leaving his wife at home with a baby?

He's an adult, not an Inbetweener but seemingly hasn't left that stage of development.

Do yourself a favour, get a flight home and leave his sad arse there, pretending he's still 18. And drive home via a Solicitors office.

Sallyseagull · 29/09/2019 20:43

You're on a family holiday ffs, in what way and when has he acted like that is the case?

God knows what's going on with him but he is SO in the wrong and trying to make you think you're the wrong person here.

Original poster
Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 20:43

Your comments are Real eye opener. Really appreciate

OP posts:
Butterbeeeen · 29/09/2019 20:45

This is not normal OP. My DP and I have been abroad with ds1 as a baby and he slept in the buggy while we ate out and also when DC where 5 and 6 and we all went out to eat together, did the kids mini disco and then went back to our room as a family. Just to add we have family members in the location we were staying in and they had arranged a VIP ticket for a band my DP likes in a club on his birthday while we were there and he refused to go as we went as a family and he wanted to stay that way. I think the most sensible thing your DP has ever said is that you should split. You absolutely should.

Queenoftheashes · 29/09/2019 20:45

Obviously he sounds dreadful. Could he be on a massive comedown?

AnyFucker · 29/09/2019 20:45

I think it is a good idea for you to split

The combination of a doormat and a pisstaker is never going to be a useful one

iluvsummer · 29/09/2019 20:48

What a dick!! You’re on a family holiday not a singles holiday! He should WANT to be spending time with you both! Yes you said for him to go out but any decent father/husband would have said no or gone for a few pints and been back at a decent time!

We’ve got 3 children- 19 months, 3 and 9, my husband works stupid hours and when we go on holiday it’s family time. We’ve been taking the kids away since they were 4 months old and they sleep in the buggy when we have food or go for a walk, we don’t stick to rigid sleep times. The afternoons my husband has a long siesta BUT he takes the 2 youngest as well and I get time by the pool to relax whilst the eldest swims. Your first mistake was giving him the green light to act like a single man and the second (and no disrespect meant) was that you haven’t been taking the baby out in the buggy in the evenings and leaving them drop off whilst you have food or go for a walk etc. You’ve every right to be upset and if this was me I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship, you’ve already got one child you don’t need a man child too!

Jengnr · 29/09/2019 20:49

Let him go. You’ll be grateful in the long run.

LittleFishSwim · 29/09/2019 20:49

Is it worth asking the hotel if they have another room for him/you to give you some space? You may find flights back earlier are expensive due to Thomas Cook people rescheduling.

Benes · 29/09/2019 20:52

I really can't believe what I've just read. You're on a family holiday and he's going out in his own every night?
This is not normal behaviour.

We've been doing similar holidays since DS was tiny and we used to take him out in the pram and we'd take turns settling him. When we'd had enough we'd take a drink back to the room. Neither of us would leave the other to go clubbing until 4am.

Your husband is a dick.

InfiniteSheldon · 29/09/2019 20:53

I went on holiday with my dh and baby in our early twenties and neither if us went out drinking on our own because we were a team. Your standards are too low raise the bar and tell him to shaoe up. However if hes staying out til 4 and in a foul mood all next day keep your head down till you get home as hes clearly taking drugs and wont be in any sort of reasonable head space.

TheFairyCaravan · 29/09/2019 20:53

Me and DH have just come back from Menorca. In the evenings we were surrounded by families having meals in restaurants, babies ants toddlers would he sleeping in their buggies. We stayed out later but when we got back to the hotel plenty of kids were still up, with both their parents, watching the evening entertainment. It wasn't men propping up the bar while the women were sitting indoors looking after the kids. He's having his cake and eating it too.

Honestly OP don't stand for this nonsense. He's being an absolute selfish prick. You're not the nanny, you're his equal and you deserve a holiday too. He should be doing 50/50.

breakfastpizza · 29/09/2019 20:53

He's shown you who he really is. Cut your losses and start making an escape plan.

museumum · 29/09/2019 20:54

When my dc was 9mo we pretty much stayed in and had a couple of quiet drinks together in the evening on holiday.
When he was a bit older we’d take it in turns to do bedtime while the other took a book to the bar but would come back around 10pm. Either way we’d both be up at 7 with dc.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/09/2019 20:54

Yanbu sounds utterly hellish

Sorry to be another one to say this but this...
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.
Obviously???? Wtf???

This is b for bonkers....
Why on earth would he want to do this in the first place? Why would you not relax and have a drink together on the balcony or just... spend time with each other...?

I read this aloud to my DP who was like “what??? Why he would leave? And why would he go drinking alone???”

he sounds awful and this is not normal, if anything you sound too relaxed

Butterfly84 · 29/09/2019 20:54

Definitely not normal for a man who is a husband and a dad on a family holiday going out on his own till 4am every night. I don't know anyone who would do this OP.

He does not respect you or your DD. Awful dad. Awful husband. Sorry.

You need to leave him when you're home OP.

VioletR · 29/09/2019 20:57

This is not normal behaviour!!! A decent husband and father would never act like this! Honestly the fact that he left you and the baby alone in the hotel while he drank until 4am is bad enough - but everything else is just bonkers. You and your baby deserve better.

Belfield · 29/09/2019 21:00

Luckily you are on ML so have a job. Your DH has outlined that you can stay in the house so I’d just tell him you have had a thought about it and he is right. I’ve never even heard of a man going clubbing on his own on a family holiday that’s how unusual it is.

itsalwaysunny · 29/09/2019 21:01

I'm so sorry what an awful first holiday for you all. If he wanted an all inclusive holiday to go out on the piss all night then maybe he should have booked one on his own, but he didn't he went away on holiday with you and his child so should be there to enjoy it all which includes being up early with your dd and doing everything to makesure you are having a good holiday as much as him. I don't think he's cheated, but I do think he's behaving like a part time dad, is there when you ask him to help but otherwise its your job. that's not fair, he might work hard,

I'm sure he does but you work harder believe me I've done both being a sahm and work and work is the easiest option by far. Looking after a child is the hardest job in the world and I would be hurt if my dh didn't support me and help when I needed it. I think he needs to realise that his role as a father isn't a part time one he can just dip in and out of when he pleases it should be full time, just like you. What happens when your maternity ends? Is it still you doing the majority at home as well as working? He needs some serious stepping up to do. For now enjoy your last few days, ignore him whilst he's asleep and hungover do fun things with you and your dd it's still your holiday and don't even mention it to him, he will soon feel left out and want to join in!

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