Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

258 replies

Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 19:47

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/10/2019 08:16

He’s an utter disgrace.

No decent man would behave like that. A family holiday is just that - not an excuse for one to go partying leaving the other with the baby.

He may not have cheated but he’s had his head turned. Mark my words.

stanski · 04/10/2019 08:30

OP you're in the right and we're all with you. You deserve a break too, otherwise what's the point of a holiday in the first place.

Onescaredmuma · 04/10/2019 08:59

That sounds awful OP the problem isn't even the put drinking it's that he doesn't realise that he's completely wrong and this is not how a dad should act. It's only possible to move forward from a problem when the person who is wrong knows this and genuinely wants to change good luck to you and your dd

BrusselSprouts12345 · 13/10/2019 08:46

How are you OP? X

Original poster
Sophi10 · 16/10/2019 07:55

Thanks all for your replies it has been so helpful. Well returned from holidays and I told him to follow his plans and get his bags and leave. I couldn’t take it anymore. Hes apologized and realized the mistake but it hurt me way too much to just forgive like that. I told him that I need time to forgive. He’s left and comes every single day to help with the baby and hoping we can Move on from this. I still feel very hurt I want to forgive him but I need time and he needs to realize fully the extent of what he did and his words.
I secretly hope inside me though that we can overcome this. He’s been stupid and he knows he has...

OP posts:
NewStart571 · 16/10/2019 08:23

@Sophi10 I am sure you can get through this if he displays the correct attitude and desire to make it work.

I hope things work out for you all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/10/2019 08:27

Do you think counselling would help, it would give you both a safe place to talk about why this happened.

averythinline · 16/10/2019 08:29

actions not words.....coming everyday to help with the baby is one thing - having her overnight so you get some time off is something else.....you are still doing most of the donkey work part of parenting..

What is his solution to his behaviour whilst you were away.....he should be coming up with an apology but also what he is actually going to do about it.....

ShopoholicIn · 16/10/2019 08:36

OP, it's good to knows that he realises his mistakes and trying to take the ownership of his actions and be a better dad. I hope you guys can make it work. All the best.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/10/2019 08:36

It’s funny how they’re always sorry after the opportunity to behave badly is gone. Sorry when the holiday is over so he can’t go out on the piss anymore; sorry when they’re kicked out and can’t play up anymore; sorry after they’ve been court out doing whatever they’re doing. They’re never sorry before the chance to be a twat ends. Do remember this OP.

Dinoctoblock · 16/10/2019 08:45

I would make sure you discuss your expectations of family holidays going forward. Gone are the days when he can go out on the piss all night and lie about all day. I think you might have rethink your own ideas of what he should be doing when your together as a family too OP - you mention a lot about him “giving you a break” during your holiday. No, the parenting should be 50:50 when your together having family time.

NearlyGranny · 16/10/2019 08:46

Sorry is as sorry does! I'd be inclined to ask him to go for screening at the STD clinic before even considering sleeping with him again as he's essentially been on a lads' holiday with you and his previous DD parked in the room like excess luggage!

I suggest couples' counselling to discuss the role and responsibilities of parenthood to get you on the same page.

If he won't commit to both, don't commit to him. What a fool he's been!

NearlyGranny · 16/10/2019 08:47

Precious DD, not previous! There's a world of difference.

coconutpie · 16/10/2019 08:57

He treated you appallingly while on holidays. He's now got the easy bit - he comes and goes and just looks after his DC during the day for a few hours. Now he can play the role of Disney dad and not do any of the drudge work you have to do. What was his excuse for behaving like such a prick on holidays? I would also consider getting a STI screening at your GP surgery. He was quite possibly cheating on you while on holidays.

HungryForApples · 16/10/2019 08:59

Oh dear OP, this mess feels so avoidable to me. Your big row on holiday was almost certainly worse than it needed to be because you were both so sleep deprived (& hungover for him).

Unlike most other posters on here I don't think the plan of him going out for a couple of drinks without you was an inherently bad idea - my DH did this a couple of nights on our recent family holiday. The real problem was that he stayed out too late (4am is ridiculous!) and it stopped him supporting you the next day. That's unacceptable, but I don't really understand how this went on for multiple nights - didn't you discuss it after the first time? Why did you let your anger reach boiling point instead of communicating with him while you were calmer?

Sushiroller · 16/10/2019 09:01

Agree with others it's easy to come everyday and play with the baby or have some cuddles.
When is he doing the night shifts?

I'd want to see him doing the hard yards.

You are going to be much better off long term if you either get him to understand he must pull his weight or get him out of your life.

Bellringer · 16/10/2019 09:10

Obvs he won't be up at 8 if he was up till 4, esp drinking.
Do a rota for childcare. Include family time and some time off each. If you want early swim or lie in factor it in, he will have to get up early and sleep later or come in by midnight or spend evening together. Compromise

Bellringer · 16/10/2019 09:19

Just seen you are home. Don't let him come every day and don't help him, go out or let him take baby out for couple of hours. Make it awkward as it will be going forward separately. Take him back if/when you are ready with strict rules unless he can be fair and flexible. I hope he is still paying his share. I get he spent more on holiday than you did.

Bellringer · 16/10/2019 09:41

Bet, not get. Poor baby, poor you. Hope he can listen in future and be a team player.

Bellringer · 16/10/2019 09:48

Not all babies sleep in pram, but we put him in pjs before going out for dinner. He would stay up a bit late and straight to bed when we got in. One of us could go out for a short while, if baby slept in could go for early walk or sleep longer. Flexible but fair, everyone gets alone time, family time and baby time.

Bellringer · 16/10/2019 09:50

I have ex partner who did the 4am or overnight heavy drinking. No kids but still couldn't hack it. Occeasionally but not as a routine. Good luck

ohfourfoxache · 16/10/2019 09:55

Ok so NOW he’s sorry.....

After relaxing on holiday and having a spiffing time of it and leaving you with the donkey work

It’s very convenient that he’s sorry now that you’re back, but he wasn’t sorry enough on holiday when he could have actually given you a break

cherrypiemay16 · 16/10/2019 09:56

I think when you go away with a baby you both end up doing 'shifts' so you can both have a break and then spending the rest of the time together as a family. In my opinion the Dad always tends to get more time off but that's life I guess. You're OH is being totally unreasonable, he should've just gone on a lads holiday! I hope the rest of the week is better 🤞🏻

EKGEMS · 16/10/2019 17:51

Hungryforapples What a load of shit. The man left his wife and baby the entire family vacay almost to party with total strangers and then gave verbal abuse to his wife. It most certainly wasn't because she's sleep-deprived.

Pandaintheporridge · 16/10/2019 17:57

What a tosser. Is he planning to book a new holiday when you can actually have a holiday, as part of his repentance? Can he give up drink for a while? He can say sorry now as he's already had what he wanted.