AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

[Sophi10]

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

I think giving each other an hour or two to snooze on a lounger or read a book is fine. I don’t think it’s ok to go out drinking on your own on a family holiday. If he was committed to you and your dd, in love with his little family, he would be settling into the hotel room at 8pm for a drink on the balcony with his wife, some tv or a book, knowing that this is how holidays were going to be for a little while.

He sounds like a waste of space.

He's a selfish knobend! He's on a family holiday, not some sort of lads holiday where he can stay out till 4am drinking? Who is he drinking with? Is he just out drinking on his own?! And why does he get to skip out on parenting and leave you to it? That's his child too - he's just as responsible for putting her to bed and looking after her as you are. I fucking hate manchildren who won't parent their own children.

Sorry OP, he's a prick.

Maybe show him this thread and bring him into the real world. Then make yourself some good plans to leave as he was probably trying to scare you into letting him do what he wants. Call his bluff OP and tell him if he doesn't want to spend the rest of the holiday as a family then you won't be a family any more as there's no point.

I don't think it's so much the going out. It's his general attitude. He went for broke and he is unrepentant.
I still wonder how come men help with their children wtf?
Call his bluff and don't back down. It's make or brake.
His behaviour was just awful and I can't believe he thought you were going to do all the child care. Pointless so called holiday.
Be brave and don't apologise.

I wouldnt be happy him heading out every night. When ours were small like that. We got them to sleep in a buggy, usually watched show at hotel or took a walk. Quiet drink at hotel then in our room for 11ish. Then we would take turns getting up with DC (usually early morning walk around resort) thennhave breakfast together. But we only each had a couple of drinks if that each day

Also he shouldn't just be giving you a break from childcare on holiday; he should be doing it as a normal part of his life back home. My DP works full time. He also takes my DD in the mornings before work so I can have a lie in, every single morning, and for hours at the weekend so I can have an even longer lie in (today and yesterday I snoozed until 10, which was glorious) and when he comes home from work every day. He wants to spend time with his daughter and he knows it's hard looking after her all day so wants to help me out too because he loves and cares for us.

Dads do not 'help out' with childcare. They do their fucking part because it's their child. It's not helping. It's being a parent.

What a pig.

It sounds like he's realised how life changes once a child comes into it and he's trying to cling onto what he had. Well that's tough.

What’s sad is that he’s behaving this way and being a totally useless parent and you are asking if you’re BU!

This is not normal behaviour. DH would never dare do this. I’m so sorry this is happening.

Sorry OP, but he’s shown his true colours. No going back, however remorseful he may later become.
You will be better on your own with your DD. He is clearly a waste of space.

I bet the new “friends” he is spending all night, every night, are talking about him behind his back. Questioning how he is treating his family.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I'm sorry your holiday is so awful. I hope you can have some good fun with your DD despite your OH's behaviour.

Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax

This did jump off the page at me too. I really don't see what is obvious about that or why you accepted it so unquestioningly.

You need to raise your expectations of acceptable behaviour from your DH. You go out together in holiday. DD goes with you, all in her pyjamas and ready for bed if you wish. She sleeps in the buggy when tired and while you eat. You take turns at rocking her or wheeling her around until she does off. You certainly don't volunteer to stay in the room with her so that DH can go out drinking until stupid o'clock. Whatever made you accept that?

Dump the twat when you get back. His behaviour is disgraceful.

Until she dozes off!! Stupid autocorrect.

Absolutely unbelievable. What the hell is he playing at, leaving you alone all evening? What was the point of coming on holiday with you? He may as well have stayed at home. Useless.

Op in one of your posts you say you 'can't believe you allowed him' to go out every night. It isn't a question of 'allowing', he really should not be wanting to behave like this when he has family responsibilities. At 35 he really does need to grow up. Unfortunately this may be such a massive betrayal of trust and respect, I suspect you will find it a very difficult and rocky journey to stay with him.

Wow!
We stay with friends who have a villa in Menorca, we regularly drive and walk past a family orientated AI hotel nearby, and at night, the outside lights are on on loads of balconies where you see young couples sat down enjoying a drink on the balcony.
My ex was a monumental cunt, and it didn't even occur to him to do this on holidays when our DDs were young. They came out with us later than usual, and if they needed their bed, we'd share a drink on the balcony.

I would enjoy the last day with your DD and leave him to his own devices.

Then when you are due to go home, pack yours and dd bits, make sure you have yours and DD passports and leave him to sort himself out. He wants to separate then do it.

Make him sleep in the spare room/on the sofa when you get home, he needs to get a taste of what separate/divorce means. Do not do anything for him, get legal advice.

Because I can almost guarantee when you are all back home and in your normal routine he will claim it was the 'drink' talking, he didn't mean it, and any and all hogwash until YOU forgive him and sweep all his words under the carpet. Until next time he does this again and there will be next time.

If you split now he’d want some contact with his DD presumably. Whatever you went for from 50:50 to EOW he’d be doing more parenting than he’s doing now. That tells you all you need to know.

Sophi
You have very low expectations of your man. Lift them - he is now a parent and consequently he should be acting like one.

Tomorrow - you go out in the evening as a couple with baby in the buggy - no leaving you in the room alone. No going off to a bar / club by himself
Let in drop in conversation that 50:50 shared care for divorced couples is now the normal - so not only does he have to look after your DD at night 50% of the time but he has to make arrangements in the day time care as well.
Do not take this sitting down OP.
There is no way I would have tolerated the father of my DD taking himself off to bars and clubs on a family holiday. It would have happened on one evening at most before I called time.

I really feel there is a need for the equivalent of the NCT classes for child care. Women need to be primed to involve the father and men need to know what is expected of them - yes sadly we do need to spell it out to the poor dears as they are not so good at picking up hints.

I am just back from a holiday with my 4 month old and husband. Once she was in bed at 8 we chilled together on the balcony having a couple glasses of wine. No way would he have stayed out drinking till 4am! Hope you and your daughter enjoy your last couple of days

Your husband needs to face up to the fact that he has behaved in an immature and unreasonable manner.

When you get home, make sure he knows it.

He may be genuinely sorry, we don't know at the moment. He may not be.

Re-evaluate your marriage when you get back.

I think his behaviour and words to you after the argument were horrible.

However, I get the impression that you didn't clearly communicate your expectations of the holiday beforehand. It doesn't make sense to me that you told him you were fine for him to go out every evening on his own drinking even til 4am was fine but yet you then expect him to get up after 4 hours sleep and look after the baby - that doesn't seem reasonable to me. You say you would like 'an hour or two' a day to have a break which feels as if you didn't have the confidence to actually ask for a fair even split of 'chill out time'. Surely you should have had some afternoons or evenings to yourself too. You could have let your baby sleep in the pram/sling so you could have gone out for the evening together. I wonder if your communication came across as 'I don't mind you going out drinking every night til the early hours- I'm not in need of this break myself. But then you complain when he as expected wants to sleep in which comes across to him as very unreasonable. I don't say this to criticise you - but I'm guilty of completely underplaying my own needs but then getting fed up when my own needs haven't been met so I recognise the pattern.

He’s right you aren’t compatible he’s a selfish pisshead and you are a responsible normal parent , my husband would help me out e baby to bed then we would sit on the balcony together and have a drink he would t go out partying .

He’s an arse! DH and I have taken our DD on hols from 9 months and we’ve always done everything together. Got up in the mornings - first up got the teas made and DD fed. Then we used to get stuff sorted between us and go to the beach. DH loves the water so would take her in there. I would do the warm up cuddles and go for walks looking for shells etc. Why on a family holiday does he(and you ) think it’s ok for him to be out on his own? Babies are adaptable - get your big girl pants on and put your foot down. Either he’s in or he’s out (and mean it). He’s taking you for a fool.

I think if he hasn't been unfaithful, he's been thinking of it since that first night. This isn't normal behaviour.