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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

258 replies

Sophi10 · 29/09/2019 19:47

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

OP posts:
Boireannachlaidir · 29/09/2019 21:52

Don't blame yourself by saying you allowed this to happen. He made a choice to go out.

You're doing a great job all by yourself so far & you dint need to put up with his shit as well as your DD too.

I'd call his bluff & take him up in the divorce /split too. He's not a good parent or partner to behave like this.

Sorry your holiday is so shit at least you've seen his true colours sooner. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you getting any time to relax or enjoy your time abroad.

Iwrotethissongfor · 29/09/2019 21:56

it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax

As others have said, these two jump out at me because 1) it’s not just a question of nice time for him to help you out but a longed for opportunity on the FT working parent’s part to spend time with their baby and their partner and b) there’s no obvious about your husband leaving you in the room alone at night.

I’m really sorry it’s turned out like this. In terms of what I’d expect. Well It’s a family holiday. You might have a chat with some other folk beside the pool but their not anything compared to your own family, who gives a shit about making small talk and drinking with randoms. And they’re either not actually very nice if they think it’s a good idea for dad of baby to do this or they’re looking at him thinking what a dick I’d never do that if I had a young family.

I’ve been on AI holiday twice with toddler (who was baby the first time) and during the day we might divide and conquer at times to get some relaxation time, or go for spa, gym, cycle etc but largely we’re together. at night we bath them after pool/beach, eat around 6.30/7, Back to room around 8.30 and then one puts child to sleep whilst the other gets drinks from the bar, watch something together downloaded on laptop or lie next to each other reading.

We’re far from perfect though and have had some awful arguments. Parenting is very hard and can be v rough on relationships. I hope you resolve it but he sounds very self- entitled and detached. You sound like a lovely mum.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 29/09/2019 21:59

I wouldn’t be surprised if he regularly cheats on nights out at home, (it is not normal for married men to regularly go out and stay out all night with their friends OP) or if he has someone else at home. Your h has clearly checked out of your relationship. It sounds like he is either pining for someone or he has his eye on someone and is angry that he is with you and your baby instead of with her.

Decent men do not abandon their partners and get hosed/ stay out to 4am whilst their partners and dc are alone in a hotel room! My dh sees holidays as a time to be together, when our dc were tiny we would pop them in the pram and go out for a walk/ enjoy the local entertainment for a few hours before returning to our accommodation together. We would spend all day with our dc having fun, making memories, being together as a family! Then our evenings re connecting as a couple!

Your dh is not happy in your relationship and he owes it to you to tell you the truth about why! You will find out soon enough when you get home and go your separate ways. Unfortunately I bet another woman crawls out of the woodwork very quickly.

MrsEricBana · 29/09/2019 22:01

Poor you. This is not how loving husbands and fathers act. I do seem to remember that 9 months old was a point of maximum exhaustion for us when ds was tiny which may explain your exhaustion levels and his need to let his hair down BUT his behaviour is 100% unacceptable and you probably do need to consider your options when you get home. Sorry.

Boireannachlaidir · 29/09/2019 22:03

Please don't show him this thread either. I hate it when posters suggest that.

He's clearly not going to take kindly to bother reading it and if he's got half a brain, he'll realise you've had some very sensible advice for the future in your favour, not his.

I can't imagine a man who thinks it's okay to get shitfaced until 4am on a family holiday with new baby daughter will suddenly see the light after reading this threadConfused

ShaunaRae · 29/09/2019 22:03

Please don’t question your actions for shouting and swearing at him, he is being very unreasonable. You sound like a very understanding woman but this is too far. Where is your free time? What do you do past 8pm and DD has gone to sleep? He needs to grow up and put his family before his own needs.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/09/2019 22:04

He sounds an absolute arsehole. How dare he behave that way? He is not a single man but he bloody soon will be with that kind of carry on.

pumkinspicetime · 29/09/2019 22:07

Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax

There is no obviously about this statement. Your DH is behaving like a total tool. Which hopefully is clear by now.
If you want to continue in a relationship with this bloke be very, very clear that he needs to start pulling his weight, acting like an adult not a teenager and step up and parent his dc.
Don't tolerate anything like this again and make it very clear that this is the last time this nonsense will occur.
( a few hours doing individual stuff is fine but this isn't that)

CampingItUp · 29/09/2019 22:14

DH never ever went off like this on holiday!

The most would be, he would sit under a tree in the shade with a book with baby Ds asleep in the buggy while I swam. Or I would have a siesta while Ds napped and DH had a beer.

Evenings on hol we have always stayed in together with a drink on the balcony, or taken the kids and let them sleep in the buggy while we ate.

Never either of us disappearing til 4am... THREE NIGHTS RUNNING!

N0tmyrealname0 · 29/09/2019 22:30

Sounds like he's been thinking of leaving for a while. You don't just come up with a "plan" after a minor argument.

He is trying to make it your fault. Don't let him, he's a 30 year old man. So am I, I want nothing more than to spend as much time with my babies and wife when I'm not at work (also work full time).

Let him go, sounds like he isn't nearly as invested as you are. You and your baby deserve much better!

GlitterSparkle85 · 29/09/2019 22:36

Sounds to me like hes feeling pushed out by your attention to the baby and acting up guys surprisingly act like babies around babies!and ifs it's your first holiday with baby then you cant do couple things together I'd sit him down when your both calm and chat it out x

Darbs76 · 29/09/2019 22:37

Bless you OP. This man doesn’t seem ready for a relationship and being a father. This is not how your first family holiday should be. Holidays change once babies come along, I’m sorry but I can’t see what this man brings to your relationship. I’d take up his offer of a divorce and ask him to leave when you get home. He won’t change. Things will only get worse

Maddison12 · 29/09/2019 22:43

Sorry you're having such a shit time on holiday OP He has done this every night? Honestly this is not normal behaviour. I would be on the first flight home if I was you⚘

INeedAFlerken · 29/09/2019 22:45

"When do I get a break?"

That is the only question you should be thinking about at this point.

He's a selfish arsehole who has clearly checked out of being a parent and a loving husband.

I would plan to get legal advice when you get home. Immediateley. And take stock of where all the money is.

simplekindoflife · 29/09/2019 22:48

Why is he out till 4am on a family holiday?! That's so weird! He should be with you! Baby asleep in the pram, romantic meal out, few drinks then you all go back together. All up together, spending time together?!

Are you 'allowed' to go out on the razz till 4am??

He sounds like a selfish twat.

YellWat · 29/09/2019 22:51

What a tosspot. This is not normal on any level.

Maybe you should raise the issue of child maintenance with him... I really think some men have no idea how expensive it is.

I cannot believe he's 35 and behaving like that.

MoviesT · 29/09/2019 22:56

I’d be getting a flight home and leaving him to it. At least ignore his antics until you go home. Don’t let him blame you for the break up, it’s clear he has checked out. It is not normal for him to expect to go out on the tiles without you. It is not right for him not to want to make some memories and spend time with his family. You and your child deserve better.

Sotoes · 29/09/2019 23:00

What the hell have I just read????

Why is this happening? Does he think he's on a lad's holiday?

I've never heard of anyone acting this way, it's beyond shocking.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 23:01

When I read your OP, I thought your husband was around 22 and hadn't grown up. It's extraordinary that he could have reached the age of 35, be holding down a job, and taken the decision to marry and have a child, without working out that that would mean he had massive responsibilities to parent his child.

I don't really know what to suggest, apart from sitting him down and pointing out that most 35 year olds know that their families should be their priority; and saying that if he won't parent his child and won't be there for her or for you then it's not a question of him wanting to part, neither you nor your child need him in your lives any more.

LagunaBubbles · 29/09/2019 23:04

Is he like this at home?

Passmethecrisps · 29/09/2019 23:05

He would rather go out on the town with randoms than stay with his wife and child? He had made his point so take it.

You are quite capable of managing alone - he clearly offers nothing to your family. Go home and leave him to his clubbing.

For the record, we took our 9 month old on holiday. She wouldn’t sleep in the buggy so we did bath and bed then sat together on the balcony drinking rose wine. He would get up every morning and let me sleep. I say this not to upset you or brag but to show you that your husband’s behaviour is poor

EKGEMS · 29/09/2019 23:09

Mother of god I'd have myself and child on the first plane back to Britain and I would taxi to the closest attorney and file for divorce before I took my luggage home. What a motherfucker

Skittlesandbeer · 29/09/2019 23:12

Ring his mum.

He needs to hear about how wrong his behaviour is from someone other than you. Any adult son of mine tried this nonsense, I’d rain down holy hell on him.

stucknoue · 29/09/2019 23:14

I don't understand why you don't just put your baby in the buggy in the evening. It's what the Spanish do, it's what we did. I can't post from my phone but my kids asleep in the double buggy in a jazz club in San Francisco is one of my favourites. They slept through everything

Rtmhwales · 29/09/2019 23:28

Maybe their DD doesn't sleep in prams. Mine wouldn't fall asleep in a pram or car seat from about 5 months on. He will only sleep in his cot. Drives me nuts.

I'd call him bluff. Every time he says divorce etc I'd just calmly say "okay" or "yes, we should start sorting the logistics and finances then".

Also.. go out when he's alone with DD. Just say you're popping out for a quick errand and be gone all day. Let him see how much fun it is.