AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

[Sophi10]

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

Do not go blaming yourself for swearing at him. He's the guilty one going out every night!!

He is being an arse and you are being played for a fool. I've never heard anything so ridiculous as going on holiday with your dp and he stays out drinking til all hours. Even worse, he's left you holding the baby! This is NOT ok!

Obviously he’s acting like a complete dickhead here - but why on earth have you gone on holiday with a child when you’re not prepared to deviate from her bedtime? 8pm and no plans to leave the room?! Madness.

None of that warrants his response though of course.

He was going with people we met at the resort. Nice friendly people. He’s 35, works very hard, doesn’t go to clubs back home just to see some friends sometimes overnight and I’m fine with this..
But yes you’re all right I thought he could go out at night as DD only settles with me at night. And in exchange I’d relax during the day ( so I hoped)

His idea of a divorce sounds excellent.

What on earth are you getting from this relationship ? He sounds bloody Awful. Take up his offer and leave. Plenty of decent men who will love a family holiday and share the experience with you.

OP I guess it's time for your nights out now leave him to it and have some fun, he's being a dick

Fathers don’t “help” mothers with children. They co-parent. She is both your child & both your equal responsibility.
I’d be thinking seriously about ending the relationship so my dd didn’t grow up thinking it’s normal for a woman to be treated like a doormat.

I'd be fucking furious op. I think you're being way too soft on him. There's no way I'd accept he goes out in an evening without your or dc.

For example we've just come back from 2 weeks all inclusive. Both me and dh would sit on the hotel balcony having a drink, playing cards and nattering whilst the dc slept. He'd never dream of going out clubbing whilst I stayed looking after dc. He would entertain the dc whilst I had a siesta each day. Your dh is a lazy, selfish arse!

I don’t really know what to say that will help. It sounds ghastly.

Hindsight is a powerful teacher and a hotel in Spain is not ideal with a baby unless you’re prepared for them to sleep in their pushchair whilst you go out to eat. It doesn’t sound terribly well though the out and you both stuck in a hotel room keeping quiet for a baby isn’t much fun either.
Too late for that though. I think you’ve been very patient and restrained. I’d have more than sworn if my husband went off around bars on his own until the early hours. I’d wonder what they’d been doing and who with. No normal person sits on their own drinking into the morning leaving a partner and baby at home unless they are very unhappy or out to find comfort elsewhere. I might wonder whether I needed an STI check - guilt can make people very unpleasant.
It sounds like he’s struggling with the responsibility of parenthood and is wanting to run away back to boyhood.
I’d be sore tempted to tell him to get another room and leave you and the baby alone. Is there a baby club where you could get a few hours respite?
I’d be thinking about what I wanted from the relationship in both emotional support and practical support and when I got home I’d be clear it was my way or no way. If he cannot step up to being a supportive husband who keeps his wedding vows, I’d wonder if I wanted to be with him.
Consider marriage counselling via relate as a new baby is hard on relationships but don’t become a doormat.
Sorry, it must be miserable.

You're better off without him OP he is taking the absolute piss. For whatever reason he has decided he doesnt want to be in a relationship and he has already checked out.

To be totally honest, it sounds to me like you had pretty low expectations of him anyway (help you for an hour or so a day, rather than going 50 50, and 'obviously' it's you staying in all night) and he has fallen way way below them. He would rather spend his evenings alone or with strangers drowning his sorrows than with you and the baby or taking it in turns.

He doesnt even want to try. He has told you how he feels and shown you as well. I bet your next holiday alone with the baby or with a different partner will be a lot more enjoyable

I’m sorry but what kind of man goes on holiday with his family and goes off drinking and partying on his own every evening?!

^this, he is being a terrible husband and father.

AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

YADNBU and you definitely don’t need to apologise to him.

I know some people are saying you don't have to stay in the room and have a super early night , but when it's your first time abroad as a new mum- you just have no idea how things are going to pan out! But these are things you need to work out together as parents- as a team!
Right now he thinks he's a single man ...and you are what? The Nanny looking after the baby ?

I would be at the airport with DD taking the next plane home and his stuff would be in bin liners waiting for him to return and i wouldnt tell him I am going either...fuck him OP you dont need that shit in your life.He sounds like a complete waste of space.

Yep, get a divorce. A husband doesn't help with his child, he is doing childcare.

And I don't see why he needs a break in the evenings and you don't.

He's a pathetic childish arsehole and you and your DD would be better without him in your house.

I'd take him at his word. You've been a single parent on this holiday anyway. Tell him you've thought about what he said and you agree. Can he leave as soon as you get home?

It isn't normal to go out until 4am / late every night on your first holiday with your partner and baby and I'm presuming the people he is hanging out with , that are so preferable to your company don't have babies?
I thought he was a kid but then you said hes 35!

I'm so sorry. He sounds awful, incredibly selfish and immature. I think you will be well rid frankly. This is who he is. He could have made this a lovely break for all of you. You could have relaxed together in the evening on your balcony with a botyle of wine. For me it would be over.

I'd be letting him leave when I got back home. Seriously. I don't understand men who 'help' with their own child, it's called being a parent.

I agree with what a pp said, the way you say you expected an hour or so to yourself, and that 'obviously' you'd stay in a night makes me sorry for you, this isn't what a relationship should be like.

What? You stuck in the room with a baby and he goes out? On his own? back at 4 am?

So that's where I show I am a wind South Mediterranean savage but I would have detached his scrotum with my bare teeth after the first night.

You are a family and if the baby settles with you only, he stays with you till the baby is settled.

Then, baby asleep in the pram you two can walk to the bar and have a lovely evening looking at the moon on the sea. If not, his scrotum gets bitten off, spat out and fed to the local rats.

“how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?”

Tell him that most women split the work with their husbands.

I’m doing literally all the childcare home

Why? Even on mat leave, my DH would come home and spend the evening with the baby. And weekends we were splitting the childcare.

how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all.

Why does he think women should do it all?

How does his penis stop him giving a baby their bottle, or changing a nappy?

Are you going back to work after mat leave? Does he think you should continue to do all the childcare then too?

God i would dump him .

When I’ve been on holiday with OH and young baby etc , the only time he’s left us is when he wants to have an hour in the gym ( he loves his weights and tends to go early when we are still in bed ! So it doesn’t affect our family time .

He has NEVER wanted to go have drinks or go clubbing by himself . I’d be shocked if he did that but I appreciate that may be normal for some

Wouldn’t even go watch his big football match as time difference meant he’d be leaving us in the room alone late at night .

I do tell him to go out and have a good time but it’s rare that he goes , so for special occasions which are rare , he will spend ( max ) a weekend away with his best friends ( I know and have contact with all of them ) .

When he comes back , he always has a plan to let me have some time off to myself too ...

Your man needs to grow up . You both made this child .

If he wants to dump you then let him. You can’t let him gaslight you into living like this .

Nasty man, trying to threaten you into behaving yourself with "divorce".

Whatever happens OP, I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

He has shown you clearly what he's thinking.

Get yourself protected, pronto.

I wonder if you are over estimating how much he does at home because you are a SAHM and he’s at work. How much does he really do?
Here’s what an equal parent who doesn’t help but parents does:
DH and I both work, he wakes up the kids and makes breakfast. I get ready. I come down and make packed lunch. DH gets ready. He does almost all the laundry and ironing and all the gardening. I do all the cooking. Whenever he is home he does bedtime solo so I can get on with work (I come home a bit early so the kids are not in childcare for long hours). Cooks, cleans and gives me a lie in on weekends as I solo parent when he travels.
When we go on holiday he wakes up with the kids, we eat an early dinner and then when the kids are in bed we’ll have a cockta (or two) and a chat on the balcony. I have always thought that this was normal. I cannot imagine staying out till 4 am on a family holiday and then doing it repeatedly. It’s absurd.

My best guess is that he’s less helpful than you are making it seem at home and his sense that you ‘the woman’ need to manage the kids works at home when there is an unequal balance but has been shown up on holiday.

When your wee one sleeps you should be enjoying time together mostly. Either with her in buggy sleeping having a nice meal or sitting on balcony with a drink. Maybe a few pints one night for both you and him if you fancy.

Tbh with this attitude / laziness / selfishness you'd be better rid off him.

The more I read the more I realize it’s not right that he just goes out every night... and I allowed this...

I think the biggest problem is that your man isn’t helping you with the childcare .

That’s not good