To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

That is pretty mean of her.

Selfish fuckers. You sound like an absolutely lovely Sil and so supportive of your bil and his wee family. I’d be tempted to suggest to your bil that you have a lovely lunch or dinner together or even drinks on Christmas Day.

I just don't understand it. It's very out of character for MIL. This is the type of thing she would take immense pride in providing for and doing an amazing job of it.

Yanbu

Well she's never really spoken much about them at all.. She speaks about BIL but never mentions his partner and her DC

His allergy isn't so horrific that he can't even touch anything containing nuts, he just cannot eat them

I just don't understand it. It's very out of character for MIL.

^There is obviously more to it then if this is out of character.

That’s mean !

That is massively selfish and unfair.

I think the only reasonable thing to do is host a nut-free Christmas yourself, and left MIL know when you can manage a brief visit at some point over the festive season. It would be very unreasonable to accept her hospitality knowing that part of the family isn't invited.

If it's out of character I'd investigate further...perhaps she is very anxious about harming the boy? Or perhaps something else has gone on as to why they arent inviting BIL? Can you try and get some answers about it from anyone?

She speaks about BIL but never mentions his partner and her DC

Sounds like she doesn’t like him being with someone who has a child.

Definitely mean.

Nasty bitch, how would she feel
If she was not invited somewhere when her dcs were young because they had an allergy.

I would fake illness on Christmas day rather than sit around her with her smugness

I would be tempted not to go. As the mother of a toddler with allergies it is heartbreaking to see your child being left out purely because of their allergies. There is absolutely no reason why she couldn't take your BIL and his partner shopping with her to help identify suitable foods. Or even if they was happy to supply their own food, that's what I often do.

You do not have to eat nuts to have an Anaphylactic shock @sweetm just being near them can trigger a reaction, and i have seen plenty to know how serious it gets very quickly.

She has no wish to view your BIL’s DP and DS as ‘part of the family’

Selfish fuckers. You sound like an absolutely lovely Sil and so supportive of your bil and his wee family. I’d be tempted to suggest to your bil that you have a lovely lunch or dinner together or even drinks on Christmas Day. wink

That’s what I’d do, I reckon. I’d not feel happy about family being deliberately excluded and I wouldn’t play her game.

Monty As far as I'm aware, his isn't that serious. For example, I'm almost 100% sure he doesn't even have an epi pen

This is all a bit naive. To be truly ‘nut free’ you’d have to have no nuts in the house at all and scour the entire kitchen from top to bottom to get rid of any traces.

Any ready made food bought from a supermarket could contain traces of nuts.

I can understand why MIL doesn’t want the responsibility of someone with a life threatening allergy at Christmas.

Xpost. How would you know about the epipen?

That is mean. Surely the boy can eat nut free food, ie not have Christmas pud or mince pies? Your brother and sister in law will be hurt if they're not invited.

I would be terrified to do a massive meal for someone with a nut allergy. I don't think YABU and if it means that much to you, you offer to host them.

It's very sad, as BIL is happily and heavily involved it's his parents who will miss out.

I’d think you were talking about my MIL if DH had a brother!

I’ve got a nut allergy and she constantly buys things with nuts in and then claims to have ‘forgotten’ I’ve got an allergy, she eats bags of nuts in front of me making a big show of how delicious they are and how it’s such a shame I can’t have any, made a 2nd Christmas cake when I’d made one because ‘it’s not the same without the nuts’ and buys DH mountains of Reece’s peanut butter cups and Toblerones for Christmas even though he’s not that bothered about them - DH said she was never bothered about nuts before and he can’t remember her eating them much before he met me.