To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

Tat my brother in law has a nut allergy but he actually has to consume them. He doesn't have a pen as he gets plenty of minor symptoms before it gets worse so has time to get himself to a hospital. We all just do a smaller nut-free version of anything he can't have but it's all put together on the same table. By the sounds of it, there is no reason this little boy can't be easily catered for. So sad

It sounds like she's scared...

It’s more likely a mixture of reasons. She probably used to do things in certain way and doesn’t want to learn how to do them differently. She probably scared as well and also annoyed that her son couldn’t find “simpler” partner.
I’ve met a couple of older people like this and tbh I can’t understand it. The point of Christmas is get family and friends together and have fun. Why does the food matter so much? And nut-free Xmas is very easy nowadays.

why didn;t you call her out on it.

What do you plan to do, just go anyway and sod anyone else, if you held your ground and said you were then going to spend it with the BIL you were so looking forward to spending it with then she might quickly change her mind, Perhaps she just needed some reassurance with nut allergies.

My son has a tree nut and egg allergy. He has low level allergies to various other things to. People are always kind and accommodating. Your mil sounds mean. How bad is the allergy? What level. 3/4? Or 5 and above?

Is there a bit of a golden child/scapegoat dynamic at play there? Does MIL sometimes has trouble with boundaries?

so OP what are you going to do now?

I felt bad seeing the amount of hostility for your poor Mil.
Her home her rules whatever the reason.

Why don't you make a change and host Christmas yourself?
That way you can invite everyone and give PIL a break from the work?
A simple solution all around. Its spending time together which countsm

It does seem a bit mean but then if you are so invested there is nothing stopping you inviting them all to yours.

I think a lot of people have an idea that nuts is 'the really bad allergy', the one that kills you. Which is wrong on two fronts - not all nut allergies are that severe, lots of other allergies can also be life-threatening - but a lot of people hear 'nut allergy' and freak out. I had a friend at university who had a nut allergy where she was ok so long as it wasn't an actual ingredient in the food (ie cross-contamination wasn't an issue) and a lot of restaurants would just outright refuse to serve her food once she'd said the word 'nut allergy'. A friend of mine with an actually much more serious dairy allergy never had that problem, but did have a lot of people who assumed that dairy just gave her an upset stomach and she was being a bit precious even when she explained that any trace sent her into anaphylaxis.

You should announce you’re now vegan!

@Cherrysoup you’d think so, but no, she couldn’t be more welcoming and loving, she showers me with gifts and will do anything for me. She just can’t get over this one thing.

Yeah that's a shame

I think she is being mean if i am honest .When we flew back off holiday this summer there was an announcement by the cabin crew that there was a nut allergy suffer on board so they would not be serving nuts and would people not eat them if they had them .And the air is recycled on a plane so if it can be done on a plane then surely she can do it .There is more too it than the allergy.

Babybel, UnderHisEyeBall, you have both reminded me of being pregnant with DC1 and invited to dinner with FIL and his wife.

In advance, we were informed it would be a takeaway. As you're pregnant, is there anything you don't want? they ask.
The only thing I don't eat at the moment, I say, is curry. Under ordinary life circumstance I LOVE curry, but it is the one food turning my stomach at the moment in pregnancy. Think they were considerate for asking.

Get there on the night. Takeaway must be ordered and picked up - rural.

Oh, the PRESSURE for an Indian. "Well, we could have Chinese, but the Indian takeaway is SO GOOD, isn't it, dear? Have a look at this menu - what would you like?"

"I really can't, I'm afraid. It's the one thing I just can't eat - or smell - without feeling sick. I'm so sorry,"

"Well, I SUPPOSE we could go to the Chinese instead, or get fish and chips perhaps, but ..." blah, blah, blah, 10,000 reasons why it should be a curry or nothing, on and on for about 20 minutes.

FFS! You asked. I told you. Now you're pressuring me to agree to the ONE CUISINE I CANNOT EAT? WTF is up with that?

I was part baffled and part raging with pregnancy hormones - layered on top of a difficult relationship with FIL and his second wife anyway. And also REALLY HUNGRY.

Very very odd.

I haven't read through all replies but thought I'd update on something interesting that happened tonight...

MIL sent a text to ask what DS would like for his birthday - I said he really didn't need anything but a voucher for a place he loves would go down well. I also said it's also BIL partners child too just a few days later, how about a joint voucher for something like that?

She replied minutes later with "This is about my special grandson! So what else can I get him in addition to the voucher?" She then said some other stuff I won't include as it's irrelevant and just about general chit chat

In no universe would I have someone else's nut-allergic DC over for the one lunch of the year where the fixed menu is filled with nuts in everything from the turkey stuffing to the sprouts to the chocs.

So... don't fill the menu with nuts? Radical, I know.

Stuffing: make it nut-free
Sprouts: make them nut-free
Chocolates: don't offer them to the DC.

Also - the nut-allergic DC will have a responsible parent around. He's not going to be scarfing Quality Street green triangles, is he?

If MIL wanted to include them she could... she could ask her son's DP how she manages and go from there. She doesn't want to.

Op - agree with other posters - YOU must play host this year! I’m sure you’d do it brilliantly. Give the PILS a well earned break and sort the nut free home. You can do it! Your chance to ‘show off’ and beam. Enjoy!

This is about my special grandson!

Well, there you have it.

You have procreated with her son, and so your child is a "special grandson"

Your BIL has got together with someone who already has a child from a different father. He'll never be her "special grandson" even if her son treats him like his own.

How about a kinder grandmother? I'm sure it's a gift he can use

Jakers your MIL is a prize. So a special grandson blood thicker than water and all that. She sure is skipping around what could turn into a huge problem.

OP imagine your BIL`s partner on here heartbrokenly telling us that her future MIL was excluding them from family events. I have read tales like this on here. The MIL will be hung out to dry. This is a nasty one your OH really needs to deal with his mother not you.

NoSquirrels That breaks my heart, it honestly does. I was taken in by my step dad completely and know him as dad, his family are my family and I called his mum my Nan from day 1...

If that's how she really feels then sod it and their poncy Christmas. Because the boy will have a special aunty and I a special nephew. He's lovely!

@sweetm....so is the step grandson estranged from his maternal grandparents and his biological dads parents? Does he not get any cards etc from them? I agree your PILs need to try and get to know their step grandson but I also can’t help but feel that you’re determined to paint them as bad. Surely you could facilitate more and bring them into the modern world stead of slagging them off.

MIL obviously hates partner. What a bitch

tell MIL I have hosted nut free (and vegetarian!) christmasses for 25 years now, it's perfectly possible