To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

Tat I've asked her before if he had one and she shook her head and said no, then said something else about it but I can't remember now as it was over a year ago I think

He's been to our house with no troubles or previous mention of prepping beforehand. He just didn't have any nut products. I didn't cook them or have them in anyway but it deidnfleh wasn't brought up by BIL or partner at all so it cannot be that serious otherwise I'd have thought you'd be extra careful

You obviously don’t like your MIL. I think your DH is right, keep your nose out of it.

Are there varying degrees of nut allergies then?

NoSauce I don't dislike her

I think she's a woman with a lot of brilliant qualities but I just think this is all very mean

I agree, Tatiana.

Yanbu but I think your MIL’s response reveals her true colours. Something similar happened in my own family and despite it seemingly was ‘out of character’ I think it showed what my family member actually Was like.

Does she normally have DB, his partner and the boy round for a meal, Sunday lunch or similar? Sounds very odd to me.

I think it sounds as though she doesn’t see/doesn’t approve of bils relationship and won’t ‘approve’ it by inviting her and her son to be part of the family at Christmas.

Which is horrible and sad for all involved.

Sorry posted too soon. In my family it was ‘I don’t have a present for them’. I think the nut thing is a total excuse!

I think this is more about the relationship with the child and his mother, than his nut allergy. Do PILs know/like BiLs partner? The allergy thing sounds like an excuse to me. Very mean of them .......

Tower Sorry to hear that, it's very sad

maybe its an intolerance rather than a full blown allergy? does he have eczema?

I think people are being abit OTT calling her bitch etc. - OP says this is out of character, so I would start from a position of giving her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't trying to exclude BIL's family because she doesn;t see them as real family. Better not to go in all guns blazing and cause a family fall out when the nut allergy reason may be true.

I would assume it is coming from a place of fear because of recent cases in the public eye suggest to her that she contacts your SIL or BIL and asks what provision needs to be made for the little boy so that he is safe and what precautions need to be taken. If his allergy is not severe then maybe nuts will be OK as long as he doesn;t actually eat them. If not then a nut free Christmas won't be the end of the world. I imagine his Mum is the one who will be best able to decide whether this is a safe environment for him and will keep an eye on what he is eating. (Or even bring a Christmas dinner for him that can be heated up at MIL's if she prefers)

If she still wants to exclude even when it has been explained to her, then it may be there is a different underlying reason. Then it would be more reasonable to be cross with her and arrange a Christmas for just your family and BIl's.

Yanbu if the allergy isn’t severe.

If they are going to throw this “grand” Christmas dinner, they’re going to have to clean beforehand right? It wouldn’t be hard to make sure to inform your BIL’s partner what her son can’t have. If it were an adult guest, would she be acting the same way?

Hmm, I can't say she's ever spoken badly about the partner. Nothing has ever really been said in the first place

They live about an hour away from us so we don't see them a great deal but they love spending time with and treating my DC so we go up often enough

We also invite them down too but it's often just met with 'Oh just come to us! We will do everything'.

MIL doesn't like the partner, thats glaringly obvs. Maybe something happened between them that you don't know about? Does BIL's partner even like her is another thing to consider...

My daughter has a nut allergy, my boyfriends parents didn’t bat an eyelid when we have gone to stay for the weekend! That’s truly awful of her.

My answer would depend on how severe his allergy is.

We're an allergy family. And it is bloody hard work. And my kids only get hives, rashes and are in agony with their stomachs. They can also clear a room during a reaction

But it wouldn't kill them. I don't think I'd willingly cater for an anaphylactic reaction

Offer to come over then, sweet, since you're so much nicer, completely scrub her kitchen (pay someone to professionally clean the oven and cooker because it needs to be totally blitzed), go through her larder and make sure there is not a trace of nut (blitz that, too, take everything out and scrub and steam the hell out of it), scrub all her appliances, too, and then offer to cook his meal for him (but you'll need further advice on how to ensure it is not cross-contaminated before serving).

It is really mean and unfair. Solution would be to host a nut-free Christmas yourself. If MIL doesn't like it, tough.

Emmi Oddly enough from what I know, I don't think they've ever been invited to PIL's...

They arrange something every so often but last time I heard anything about that, they arranged it at a nice place out to eat and PIL traveller to them, going against their usual 'Oh come on over and stay!' lines

Does she object to the fact that they're not married and the lady has a child already (and possibly not previously married)? I suspect your MIL considers her a poor moral character that would bring down the tone of the day.

Were you invited before you were married? I'm not saying its right but I know several people who still disapprove of children out of wedlock.

But BIL won’t go to his mums on Christmas Day if his partner and her son aren’t invited.

Would MIL actually risk that just to not have them come round or could she be actually concerned?

I think she’s being awful. Is your Bil the scapegoat of the family?
Personally, I’d be giving her “family Christmas” a miss because if you attend you are condoning and supporting her nasty behaviour.

Start a new tradition with Bil and his new family.... maybe don’t include Mil see how she likes it 😜

I have a nut allergy, no anaphylaxis so no need for an Epipen, however it's still horrid, frightening and very painful to have a reaction.
Bowls of nuts at Xmas dos have me going home.
And so many Xmas foods have nuts in.

But it's not that hard to not serve him any and not have any hanging about the house on the day.

Why dont your family and Bil family have Christmas together.

Ahhhh. I hope I don't offend anyone or yours, OP. But is the partner from a different class/background? You know like other side of the train tracks type thing? 👀