To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

Honestly, I’d stay out of it. It’s possible your BIL’s partner and her son would actually hate the Christmas Day extravaganza you describe and prefer not to be invited.

Consider what you're doing.
I'm an allergy parent. I would have absolutely no issue at all with someone saying they can't cater for us. I would say that of course I wouldn't want to put that pressure on them, why don't they pop around ours or why don't we meet another day.
It wouldn't cause me any offence at all.

So if somebody started a family argument on my behalf I'd think that person was a little twattish and a bit of a drama llama.

You could end up burning all of your bridges when there is actually no issue.

I might be a similar age to your MIL. I'm a Grandmother.

I've seen friends treat stepchildren as bio Grandchildren, only to be left devastated when they split and they never see the child again.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I now don't see the child and if a similar situation happened again, I'd protect myself by not thinking of the child as a blood relative, until it was clear that the relationship would last. Bonfing with a child then losing the relationship with them, when you've done nothing wrong is heartbreaking. It is worse as you get older, you don't bounce back as well.

Do you really want the boy to ne as regarded as your DS by your MIL?

Does the boy have wider family? Sometimes it can work out unfair because the stepchildren have more people buying for them, than the bio children.

Traditionally you can be someone's aunty and not be a blood relative, it doesn't work the same way for Grandchildren. If we still lived by the mantra of family being important, then I'd agree with you.

But people on here are so quick to say that grandparents and wider family can be cut off for no real reason, what chance do Step grandparents have of a lifelong relationship?

This is there first year as a family. Are the living together? You don't mention that.

Are you getting your DS and this boy joint presents? Why should MIL? It's early days yet.

It's for your BIL to sort out.

The way you speak about her as a showoff, is unkind.

I would be terrified to do a massive meal for someone with a nut allergy.

I was thinking exactly that as I was reading, @timshelthechoice.

These allergies seem to be so easily triggered that I'd be bricking it for fear that a bit of nut might escape from a Quality Street or box of chocs and trigger a reaction. I mentally went through the things I would have to be really careful about: nut-free Christmas cake and pudding, no chestnut stuffing, no walnut oil in my salad dressing etc. And so much stuff has a disclaimer that they can't guarantee that it might not be totally free of nuts (I noticed this on a packet of crisps or something only the other week).

Christ, we've got a hazel tree in the garden and there are hazelnuts all over the lawn atm, the whole house is probably contaminated by nuts where traces have been trodden in.

I don't think I could bear the worry, tbh.

Oh come on. It’s not about the allergy. It’s in the op this woman goes above and beyond to cater for everyone. Name it and it’s yours. Why would an allergy be any different?
I bet if op said to her that she’s going carb free, mil would cater for that.

Ok she might not like bils partner. Wouldn’t you play nice so you could see your son and grandchild?

Since when has it been reasonable to exclude a child?

Plus mil knows the allergy isn’t serious as they’ve eaten out.

I have severe allergies and I would prefer for people who weren’t confident cooking for me not to cook for me as one tiny mistake could kill me.

My immediate family will cook for me but they all find it very stressful. It’s easier if I do the cooking at their place although they all have signature dishes and ingredients they know are safe and often will cook these when I am there.

I wouldn’t be confident cooking for someone with a severe allergy different to my own - I know the risks and I have seen how horrific it can be to get it wrong.

no-one reading this thread knows the Mil and we have no idea how skewed the OP's opinion is.
The thread comes across very spiteful on the whole against a woman yet we don't know her side at all.

Why so much one sidedness?
At least can the OP give us her Bil's view on the matter?

Maybe BIL and his partner and DS don't WANT to go to this massive Xmas do. Have you asked him?

Sorry it's her choice who she caters for it's your parents home who have kindly done it every year, to be fair to them I'd probably feel the same incase I made the boy I'll, they could do separate meals but are probably terrified of the boy coming in to contact with nuts. If it bothers you so much either get involved with your parents and help take the stress out or why dont you offer to have them at yours ?

Shes a bitch
Tell your bil to do Christmas with his family of partner and her son