To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

YANBU but I think there's more to this.

On the one hand you say your PIL are massive show offs and then you say she's wonderful and her behaviour is out of character?

Without asking her outright she may be worried about the allergy or she may not like the idea of a child in the family who isn't blood.

It also sounds like BIL wants a quiet Christmas with his partner and child.. could it be sour grapes on MIL part as it doesn't seem as though she actually has much of a choice, much less have the option to give out an invitation.

Lots of speculation and contradictions in this post.

I do agree that if it is a case that she is worried about providing food then the mum will be used to providing seperate food. If anyone is looking for nut free food for xmas or any occasion there is a facebook group called nutfreeliving guide which lists safe foods. It's great if you need to provide a nut safe meal and honestly it isnt as hard as you expect you just need to tweak what you cook slightly.

This is something I could not forgive even if MIL was lovely, she is being mean, the child is innocent here and she knows exactly what she's doing, she is showing her true colours here. Have Christmas with BIL and his family and exclude them, they will soon learn how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot.

It's one of two things, really.

She either doesn't like BIL's partner and her child because of the child not being blood/partner having another relationship and child before him so has grasped onto the nut excuse as a handy get out of jail card.

Or

She doesn't want to compromise on her grand, showing off affair regarding Christmas. This could be easily sorted by the PIL saying to BIL to bring something nut-free that's suitable for the boy to eat and they can warm it up at the house. Similar to what a lot of vegans do when they're having a family Christmas with those who eat meat (they'll typically bring a nut roast or similar and just prepare it for themselves when they arrive).

You could explain to MIL that the nut thing is easily resolved and you'll soon know the real answer through her reaction. If she says that she never thought of that then you know she was just nervous about the allergy. If she continues to say no, then you know she just doesn't like his partner and her child. I'd probably give Christmas at hers a miss if it's the latter.

She doesn't like the fact her son is shacked up with a woman who already has a child. My MIL told me she would never have accepted her son marrying someone with children and I believe her. She's bad enough to me and I ticked all her boxes.

She's being spiteful.

What does your husband think about it all?

Is the allergy so severe the child can't be in the presence of anything containing nuts. Had a friend who had to request airlines to unload anything food wise before entering the plane. Had someone just unwrapped a food the DD would have an anaphylactic shock. Did you ask MiL if this was a huge worry for her. Perhaps you and MiL could speak with the mother together to get the measure of whether or not MiL could manage situation. Or, there may well be some other issue lurking and MiL is using the allergy situation to avoid having them for Christmas.

You can't force someone to see a child they're completely unrelated to as family, or to treat them the same as a blood related child.
The little boy has a father, paternal grandparents etc already, even if he doesn't see them, they are his family.
Some people don't agree with children out of wedlock, or raising another mans child as their own.
If she doesn't feel feelings for the boy, she doesn't feel them, she can't force it and shouldn't have to. She's entitled to her feelings and opinion, even if it isn't a popular one.
You were different as you came in to the family childless, and then provided a biological child. This woman, whatever her circumstances, now has a child already before meeting your Bil, and while he is open to accepting the child like his own, he will never be related to your Mil as he's not blood, to some blood is the important part.

I'm not saying i agree with any of this, but Mil wants a family christmas, and this little boy is not her family. Maybe she's worried Bil won't provide her with a biological grandchild as he now already has a child to fill a father role to, and may not need/want a biological one also.

Not much annoys me more in life than a parent who feels entitled to a grandchild and expects one, just because THEY chose to have a child they feel that child has a duty to have one also for their benefit.

Christmas is plagued with nuts. I can see her being worried as well as conscious that chestnuts in the sprouts, any chocolates, the Christmas cake, Christmas pudding and the various bowls of nuts would be a no-no. It depends how severe the allergy is (it could be that he just can't eat nuts so wouldn't affect anything else). Someone probably just needs to talk her through her worries.

Perhaps BIL has already told her they won't be spending Christmas at the IL's and MIL is using the nut allergy as a red herring because her Christmas Day invite has been rejected and she's embarrassed?

I can see why people can feel nervous about catering for allergies. My son is allergic to peanuts and often people look terrified when I tell them. In reality though, because he thankfully only has a mild allergy, it's just a case of not giving him something that definitely contains peanuts...snickers, Reece's, peanut butter, crunchy nut etc. Even then he just gets an itchy rash (although reactions to peanuts apparently tend to get worse each time they occur so we would never risk it.) He can eat products that state 'may contain peanuts', we can eat peanuts around him, we can touch him after eating peanuts. I appreciate that each person reacts differently and we are lucky that his is mild....But it's not hard to ask! Find out how you can cater for them, ask if they'd rather provide their own food etc.

'I think expecting your elderly mother in law to deal with a nut allergy for the biggest family event of the year is kind of selfish.'

Did I miss the word 'elderly' somewhere in the OP or is this just an assumption?

You do not give the ages of these people. Would you be brave enough to say that you prefer a small Christmas gathering and DPIL deserve a rest after all their efforts in the past, and would they not rather have Christmas with you and save all that work? It may be just what they are wishing would happen. It cannot be easy each Christmas and it might be that three more people is the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. You could then invite those who have been left out in other years. Gradually each year you could reduce it down to entertaining just a few people on each day and not the whole day.

As I say, MIL is absolutely in her element when catering for people and putting on lavishings of food and get togethers. It's as if she lives off of it, it's her favourite thing. She's always planning this thing or that... Lots of get together with friends at her house, family events, an engagement party was held at her house... FIL isn't that fussed and is a very quiet man, I think he finds it all a bit eye roll in all honesty but he thoroughly enjoys his Christmas.

My MIL is definitely not elderly, for what it's worth. And she's as fit as a flea.

I would go as far to say a her being incredibly upset if I tried stealing the show for Christmas. She adores planning it all and I'm not sure that woman could let anything slip! She even had little Christmas printed Dove soaps last year in the guest rooms

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

Hehe but allergy. Very immature of me but I did giggle. She sounds unreasonable.

OP Did you mean to say the child can not INGEST nuts rather than DIGEST peanuts?

@sweetm - so what are you going to do?

"She adores planning it all and I'm not sure that woman could let anything slip! She even had little Christmas printed Dove soaps last year in the guest rooms"

Well, I think she sounds great Tell her about Reastie's Christmas threads

Haven't read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned

I think there's a small sample of that generation who just don't get allergies at all!

Could you relieve your MIL of the responsibility for the catering of your BIL SS. Offer to check all the labels and provide alternatives so she doesn't have to think about it since she does so much for you all at Christmas?

Your mil clearly is not keen on bill's partner and her ds, hence not accommodating them. I wouldn't get involved, if the relationship progresses your bil will need to tall to his parents about their behaviour.

By the sounds of it I don’t think MIL likes the new girlfriend or kid as that sounded like a excuse not to invite them. Could you not host Christmas and not invite MIL/FIL? We have a very dramatic family and are always fighting so I know it’s hard

Think there is a depth being read into this that just may not be there. One ref to 'special' isn't evidence. If you don't know what other conversations have taken place don't make assumptions. I have a relative who is allergic to gluten, dairy, eggs... it's very stressful for her eating somewhere she doesn't control the prep as it's a severe allergy. Often she makes her own. Maybe this has been suggested and it's gone down badly. Who knows?

I would either talk your MIL through what is really required to accommodate the little one (maybe as others have said she is daunted by the responsibility for not killing him.) Or host Christmas at yours with your BIL's family and invite your PILs too. I have a niece and nephew with nut allergies and their parents are scrupulously careful with them. I know how much they appreciate other people understanding their situation and supporting them in handling it how they think best. I think maybe you can intercede here and find out how careful your MIL would have to be - ie can there be chocolate in the house? and help your MIL work out how to accommodate the little fellow safely. If necessary BIl's partner can bring his food along herself, but at least you can all be together.

Unless your MIL wants to never invite your BIL for a meal again she is going to have to come to terms with the nut-free thing. She may as well do it now. My brother and SIL were absolutely strict about it (they have egg allergies too) but once we understood the rules it was easy to follow them, and it's not a big deal any more.

Try to bridge this gap if you can. You are a lovely in-law for caring so much about all of them and there is no reason you can't help facilitate a happy Christmas together for all.

Well, before anyone calls her names, she obviously has encountered a problem that she is not sharing. Not nuts.

I would just say that you are very uncomfortable and sad and you love BIL and partner and son, so you wont' be attending her Christmas you will be hosting BIL, P and S at your house and you will catch up with them on Boxing day.
That will sort it - trust me!