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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

260 replies

sweetm · 26/09/2019 19:43

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm Hmm"

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad Sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

OP posts:
Smelborp · 26/09/2019 23:17

Ah. So it’s not the nuts, it’s just not wanting to host a child she’s not related to.

I wouldn’t go unless they were all treated equally and welcomed.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 26/09/2019 23:20

That breaks my heart, it honestly does. I was taken in by my step dad completely and know him as dad, his family are my family and I called his mum my Nan from day 1...

Do you think you might be projecting a bit here? Your DH, the only one who knows everyone involved, clearly thinks so. Everyone is assuming the boy considers your brother a dad, but you didn't actually say that - you just said he was very involved in his life - does he?

Original poster
sweetm · 26/09/2019 23:20

MIL has no reason to dislike partner as far as I know. She's a warm, loving and very beautiful woman. Her son is less than the angelic face so she should be so lucky such a lovely woman has entered his life.

OP posts:
poppycity · 26/09/2019 23:38

Your MIL sounds dreadful. I cared for my friend's DS for a few months during a hard time for them and he had a severe allergy, yes it meant I didn't serve nuts but Christmas is a very easy meal to eat nut free. Also it sounds like she's making an excuse and it's not the real issue. Personally I'd have BIL and family over for Christmas Day instead. I can't tolerate unkindness and exclusion of a child is a very low thing to do.

goldfinchfan · 26/09/2019 23:39

why don't you have a talk with your Mil ?
Find out the truth and then act as you feel is best.
If you object to her unfriendliness to Bil's stepson then you do the hosting.
Invite Bil and partner and new stepson.

Why are you on here rubbishing her? Won't you feel bad going to Pil's for Christmas now after saying all this about her?

phoenixrosehere · 26/09/2019 23:44

Do you think you might be projecting a bit here? Your DH, the only one who knows everyone involved, clearly thinks so. Everyone is assuming the boy considers your brother a dad, but you didn't actually say that - you just said he was very involved in his life - does he?

Her DH could also be blind to all this because it’s his family. We see it here on Mumsnet all the time. We also don’t know how well he knows his brother’s partner. He doesn’t want to get involved nor thinks OP should from the sounds of it because it’s his family not hers so she should mind her business and leave well enough alone as to not disrupt the family dynamic. I bet his brother’s partner already has an idea that his mum doesn’t like her from what OP says.

StoppinBy · 27/09/2019 00:38

I think she may be scared to get it wrong and cause a bad reaction.

Is the child allergic to peanuts (which are not actually a nut) or to actual nuts?

I think in this situation it may pay to open up a line of communication so everyone is actually clear as to what this allergy actually means for this child.

NoSauce · 27/09/2019 06:30

All of this yet you still haven’t pulled up your MIL on any if it.

Why is that OP??

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 06:57

@timshelthechoice

Offer to come over then, sweet, since you're so much nicer, completely scrub her kitchen (pay someone to professionally clean the oven and cooker because it needs to be totally blitzed), go through her larder and make sure there is not a trace of nut (blitz that, too, take everything out and scrub and steam the hell out of it), scrub all her appliances, too, and then offer to cook his meal for him (but you'll need further advice on how to ensure it is not cross-contaminated before serving).

What??

The MIL is clearly excluding her son’s new partner and using her child’s allergy as an excuse not to invite them.

Your solution is for the OP to go over to her MIL’s house and scrub it??

The nut allergy isn’t severe and it’s just an excuse because she doesn’t want her there.

Ladywillpower · 27/09/2019 07:07

I agree with PP that you could change the dynamic & offer to host Christmas this year. Ask everyone to bring a nut free dish (so the responsibility dosent fall on one person) & focus on the fun element of Christmas when you have young children.

Frankola · 27/09/2019 08:12

Yeh...this isn't really about the nut allergy...

greenlynx · 27/09/2019 08:24

Is your son the first and the only grandson? It’s might be the reason for her saying special. It’s not healthy dynamics, of course, but you may have more children and he’ll still stay a special grandson for your MIL.
It’s a pity because it’s such a lovely idea. But the joint present might be too much and too soon for her: it didn’t sound from your post that she saw this boy a lot. I wouldn’t assume straight away that she’s nasty bitch.

Maybe have a chat with your BIL about what his expectations are and give him your perspective.

2Rebecca · 27/09/2019 08:28

You sound overinvested in this. You could choose not to go to your inlaws if you think they are being mean. MIL seems to be getting a lot of flack, FIL could persuade her to invite them. You can't control who other people choose to invite for ant meal, even xmas.

2Rebecca · 27/09/2019 08:29

any meal not ant meal

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 27/09/2019 08:35

I think I’d weigh in there. Text her back and say they’re both her grandsons now, and BIL is going to be very upset if she doesn’t treat his partner and son as fully part of the family. It’s not an argument I’d stay out of!

Could you host a joint birthday family tea for your son and nephew? Invite MIL and make a big thing of how wonderful it is for ds to have a cousin?

GPatz · 27/09/2019 08:40

No Sauce. Did you want the OP to keep her nose our of it or not?

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 08:41

The nut allergy isn’t severe and it’s just an excuse because she doesn’t want her there.

The OP thinks it’s not severe and she thinks he doesn’t have an epipen. But it doesn’t sound like she really knows.

Either way the ignorance wrt severe allergies on this thread is actually quite shocking.

Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2019 08:44

As someone with a mild nut allergy, I have survived 29 Christmases at various people's houses, some of whom didn't know about my allergy (or forgot is probably more appropriate). I don't carry an EpiPen and am usually fine unless I eat an actual nut, then my lips and tongue burn like hell and can swell a bit. I usually get a rash on my arms too but I often have a rash on my arms so hard to know if that is linked.
Your MIL is being a drama queen. If his nut allergy is mild then he can cope, plus his mum will be there and they both will obviously check that what he consumes is safe. I think people just assume nut allergy sufferers will just blindly eat what people put in front of them and don't take any responsibility for their own health.
At work once, someone made a huge song and dance about not bringing in a cake because I have an allergy and they'd hate me to eat some as it contained nuts. While I did thank them for their concern, I've had this condition my whole life, I don't just blindly eat whatever is in front of me. When in doubt, I just don't eat it...

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 27/09/2019 08:51

This is all a bit weird. Of course DC/adults with allergies should be included in plans and adjustments made but your posts are odd to me. See, some of the things you say make them sound thoughtful and kind, yet it's reported as though they are terrible, wanting to get your DS a good present, welcoming to you, and as for this:

"hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing."

The absolute bastards!

Evilspiritgin · 27/09/2019 08:54

Have you ever thought that bils partner and bil would rather do Christmas on their own and that they’ve already told mil this

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 08:57

I'd invite bil and family to yours as you don't want them to be alone.
Your mil isn't happy about the relationship but has been quiet about it so far, her actions are showing now.

Michaelahpurple · 27/09/2019 09:05

Well, to be fair, your son is her grandson and your BIL's child isn't - not unreasonable for her to consider one "special" and the other not.

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 09:06

As someone with a friend who died of a nut allergy in their 20s, who didn’t even survive 29 Christmases, the grasp of severe allergies on this thread (irrespective of whether this child’s is life threatening) is fairly dire.

NoSauce · 27/09/2019 09:15

No Sauce. Did you want the OP to keep her nose our of it or not?

After all the little drip feeds I’m surprised the OP is standing by with her wide eye faux concern and not pulling her MIL up, yes.

NoSauce · 27/09/2019 09:16

I think I’d weigh in there. Text her back and say they’re both her grandsons now

You’d be wrong there then. You can’t force someone to accept someone else’s dc as their own grandchild Hmm

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