To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

Were you invited before you were married? I'm not saying its right but I know several people who still disapprove of children out of wedlock.

Yes, I was praised like the Queen of truffles

Why can't mil ask sil to bring a nut free meal to be safe..?

Offer to come over then, sweet, since you're so much nicer, completely scrub her kitchen (pay someone to professionally clean the oven and cooker because it needs to be totally blitzed), go through her larder and make sure there is not a trace of nut (blitz that, too, take everything out and scrub and steam the hell out of it), scrub all her appliances, too, and then offer to cook his meal for him (but you'll need further advice on how to ensure it is not cross-contaminated before serving).

Wtf? I’ve hosted several kids with nut (and other) allergies and never had to do any of that. I’ve looked after kids with allergies severe enough to warrant carrying epi-pens at all times, but no one has ever said I need to scrub my kitchen and ‘professionally clean’ my oven.

I’d be willing to put money on this not being about nuts. If the girlfriend and child attend, she needs to treat them like family. She needs to buy gifts on par to the grandchildren. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do that. If I were BIL, I would want to know what is really going on. If they get married, will Mil consider them family or will she always keep this child separate because it is a step-grandchild?

There are allergies so severe that if a child touches an item that has previously been touched by someone consuming their allergen they could react.

But OP would probably know about it by now if he was THAT allergic. Those poor parents barely get to go anywhere and pretty much have to let everyone know how bad the situation is.

I think your DH should stick up for his brother and his new family.

And so should your BIL

I think it is a sad situation, and bugger all to do with nuts

I think you could ask your Mil if it is just the allergy isue or you could say that you are sad for them.
If she doesn't want to tell you anything else it is her business really.

Or you could talk to Bil but it is not something you can change. It is her home and her hospitality.
There might be another reason she doesn't want to share with you.
If it was me I would talk to Bil and Mil separately but be prepared to back off as it is not you hosting.

It does sound rather more a case of MIL disliking/disapproving of this woman and her son, and using the nut allergy as an excuse.
Is your MIL the sort who thinks that an unmarried mother must be a total slag? Or is BIL's partner the sort of person who MIL would clash with for other reasons?

Hmm you can’t leave it there. I’d either prep mil before speaking to them ‘I was thinking about Xs nut allergy and I’m sure it’s not a really dangerous one and we can make it work, I understand it’s scary though! I can talk to sil and see what the options are, Christmas will be lovely :)
or, tell her after - I was thinking about what you said about his allergy and I was sure it wasn’t terrifyingly dangerous but you’re completely right you can’t be too careful so I checked with sil and these are the options.. Christmas will be so lovely! Brightly, like you simply couldn’t compute that mil might not actually want to invite them.
If it turns out she doesn’t want to have them then voice a polite objection, if nothing doing have bil and sil and ds over for whatever meal suits them and go to pil for the residual.

Merely speculating here but I wonder whether it’s because she doesn’t know how to react to the child? Possibly because they’re not blood related or maybe just nervous about making an impression?

Maybe she just doesnt know how to manage a nut allergy or thinks that all her christmas food would have to be nut free.?

I would assume that she's finding Christmas too much and contact your BIL to say so. Work out which of you wants to host and split the work between you, then invite the PILs. They can come, or not, whichever they prefer.

I can see MIls point of view, obviously theres lots of nut based things around at Christmas and a child could easily eat something that contained them by accident. She obviously doesn't want a potential accident to happen.

I'm totally with MIL. In no universe would I have someone else's nut-allergic DC over for the one lunch of the year where the fixed menu is filled with nuts in everything from the turkey stuffing to the sprouts to the chocs.

It's Xmas day, would you be happy waiting for the one ambulance in the county?

BabyBel90 my MIL does that about prawns! (I'm allergic to shellfish). They traditionally have a fish pie with prawns in on Xmas eve and have an ENORMOUS song and dance about making me a separate one without prawns going on, and on, and on about how they just couldn't eat it without prawns. Until at least Boxing Day. Tis weird.

I do think this is genuine worry about the nut allergy. There has been so much awareness raised about the poor lovely girl who died from the invisible sesame baked into the bread from Pret......a lot of pre prepared Xmas foods are by their nature quite nutty. The only way to tackle this if I was the host would be if the lads mum told me explicitly the extent of his allergy - if he accidentally came into contact with some nut-based product.
It could also be that at Christmas the ILS like to go and buy their favourite food stuffs and working around the nut thing is a bit of a head scratcher for them cause they're stuck in their ways.....but mean well. We have a vegan in our family and that always throws the carnivorous older family members.
OP I do find your opening tone towards your inlaws uncharitable. These people go to a massive effort each year to undertake all the shopping and prep...work and expense that YOU don't have to do, I'd be bloody delighted. Instead, you're kind of snidey. Talk this through, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the mum could bring the lad his own food...Christmas is about being together.

The nuts are an excuse. She doesn't like Bil's partner or doesn't approve of her/the child.

She simply doesn't want them at Christmas dinner and is using the nuts to excuse herself.

If she sang your praises from the start then she seems to dislike bil's partner. Is she usually judgemental?

I wonder if she's just set in her ways with her Xmas routine and doesn't want to have to change the things she buys/cooks as it would be more difficult? (Not defending her at all).

Why not suggest that you do Xmas at your house so they all are able to come? Or pick a local restaurant that you could all go to?

Could you suggest to mil that she says to them “I would really love to have you for Christmas but I am incredibly anxious about inadvertently causing an allergic reaction! Would you perhaps bring special food for ds to have as I would feel terrible if anything happened”

Anyhoo, OP YANBU. There are a couple of anaphylactically nut allergic individuals in my family and family events do have to be nut-free but we do manage and they have never had a reaction at Christmas!

There is absolutely no need for nuts in a traditional Christmas Dinner, have a traditional sage and onion stuffing and forgo the poncey chestnuts for once. Stuff some cranberries and kumquats up there if you want to make it look like you tried. Brussels sprouts are revolting whatever you put on them and surely a homemade Christmas pudding with no nuts is properly poncetastic and hostess extraordinaire. Plus the child will want a chocolate Yule log instead of Christmas pudding anyway… Bowls of nuts can cause some issues for my family, but they can be put away for the day and replaced with some grapes for the cheese.

And as for the Christmas cake, see the point about Yule log above and be careful with the knives. Put some festive red tape around potentially contaminated utensils if you must.

Boxes of Quality Street are easily avoided (and should be because of the palm oil) and you could find the boy a nut-free selection just for him as its Christmas couldn't you?

Your MIL is trying to make a problem...

The type of severe allergy that some PPs are talking about, are as far as I'm aware, quite rare.
I have a nut allergy myself. It is anaphalyactic, and I have an epipen. However I would only have that bad a reaction from eating them. Touching nuts massively flares my eczema and I want to rip my skin off, but won't kill me. Being in the same room as nuts is fine, just freaks me out a little when the smell is strong. A close family member and two friends of mine have the same allergy and the same sort of severity (ie only the super serious reaction from eating them).
Either way, if your MIL is freaked out by the nut allergy, surely the thing to do would be to ask for more details on his allergy, not don't invite him.
Maybe you could try and gently press on her how much it would mean for you BIL to have his family there all together, and offer to help her navigate a nut free meal. If not... Fuck em and invite BIL to yours.

Your mother in law doesn't like her son's partner. She is too reserved to actually come out and say it. That's all there is to it.

Well then surely her son will choose to stay at home with his partner and stepson at Xmas, not go to his mum’s? Own goal if she’s using the nuts as an excuse to cut out the mum and child

Sounds like she's making excuses.
Maybe you should break with tradition, when do you see your family.
Every year is a bit much, I wouldn't be doing it tbh.

Do you think that MIL views the partner as 'soiled goods' as she has had a previous relationship which resulted in a child to Another Man, and views BIL as chasing after the wrong woman?
Unpalatable and not PC, but a possibility?
Hence not welcoming into the family home over Christmas. If MILs blood related grandchild had an allergy, I bet she'd move heaven and earth to cater correctly!