To think in laws are bloody unfair regarding Christmas?

[sweetm]

MIL and FIL host Christmas every year. My BIL has been with his new partner for just over 3 years now...

The woman has a DS from a previous relationship. BIL adores him and is very involved in his life, he doesn't see his dad. The first year they were an item, they spent it desperately (she spent the day with just her boy). The following year was spent together, they saw PIL's day after Boxing Day I believe. This Christmas is the first that I know they're definitely together as a proper little family and I remember BIL recently mentioning it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day.

PIL's are big show offs and absolutely make a huge deal of hosting Christmas Day and getting everything in, from the grandest of turkey to the very littlest details such as every guest's favourite beverages, any drinks they like, they insist nobody contributes and they take great pride in providing the whole thing.

I had a long chat with MIL today and I asked if Christmas was as usual, she beamed and said of course. I then said it would be lovely for BIL and partner, etc, to be there this year and she said "Mmmm "

I asked if there was a problem and she told me they weren't mentioning an invite to them, as after all, the boy has a but allergy and their stuff might contain nuts!

I said couldn't she have a nut free day? She said no, it was simply very demanding and probably a lot more complicated than 'one would think' since lots of things contain nuts.

I left it at that but AIBU to think this is bloody well outrageous and mean? Surely one day isn't that hard?

I feel so sad

DH thinks I'm being OTT and overly invested but I haven't actually said anything...

Maybe you were praised because you weren't a threat to her christmas day

Has the MIl ever criticised the BIL's partner before this?

I am allergic to nuts and fish. Not once has it ever been an issue at Christmas. I don’t eat Xmas pud, mince pies or Christmas cake and I am careful about desserts and Xmas chocolates but apart from that it’s fine. I am still here after 48 Years having never had a reaction at Christmas. Your MIL is being ridiculous as is everyone else who says they would not cater for an allergic child. The child’s mother would be there to ensure the child was eating only those things that are safe anyway. My in laws still always keep packaging to show me in case I am worried about something they are offering when we are there. I don’t ask them to as I trust them . they have known me over 20 years but they still do it anyway for peace of mind for them rather than me I think.

Sounds to me like your mil has probably made a mistake re: the boy’s allergy before and is now too scared to cater for him. She definitely knows something you don’t - it’s even possible the partner doesn’t want to attend because of you! I agree that your DP - stay out of it

It's not about the nuts. I would hazard a guess MIL either doesn't like the woman, or the fact they are unmarried.

Can I be there when MIL tries to hide Christmas

Bloody hell @Supersimkin it is really not that hard to have a nut free Christmas. Make your own stuffing. Make or buy nut free mince pies. Omit marzipan on the cake or make fake marzipan etc.

I’d definitely stay out of this. THe nuts could be an excuse. You don’t know what the relationship is like between your MIL and BIL partner.

I'd also suspect she is not accepting the child. And consequently the mother. I'm surprised your husband is not wishing to get involved. Most siblings who care about each other would talk to their parents about that.

So they've not yet had a Christmas Day with MIL since they've been together?

Do you think MIL is annoyed that they have done their own thing & not automatically gone to her?

Still, as pp have said, if you want to see them on CD, then host!

Give MIL a break.

Teddybear where the utter hell did you get that from? Are you on glue? WTF??

Why are you even getting involved? Does your bil even want to go for Christmas?
For someone who isn't doing any of the work you seem very keen to dictate.
As others have said why not organise a nut free boxing day meal at yours so that everyone can be together?

The nut thing is her excuse.

She doesn’t accept BIL’s partner and child.

It’s your MILs way if not including them.

Yes there are actually ...

@Teddybear45 What the hell?!?!?!

When BIL said "it'd be nice to all be together this Christmas Day." Did he mean his own little family of three or did he mean them, your family and the in laws? It really is a bit vague.

Maybe it is a nut thing, I’m sure op said that pil always go to the bil , maybe she is scared to cook, it’s alright people saying it will be alright but what if he has an allergy that get worse with each contact?? Could you imagine how they would feel if he had his first anaphylaxis episode at their house

She is clearly not on board with her son taking on this boy as his own. If it were her grandson she would forego the nuts.

Clearly the nut allergies is an excuse and she doesn’t want him there.

Bloody hell, @Babybel90, does your mil really hate you or something?? What a bitch!

Could you imagine how they would feel if he had his first anaphylaxis episode at their house

Can you imagine how a little boy feels having his whole family excluded from Christmas over a food allergy he can't control, and is entirely manageable with a little forethought?

My DD is severely nut and egg allergic. Carry 2 epi pens and antihistamine everywhere.
She actually had a reaction at MIL’s last Xmas from a cracker. MIL said she had checked the box and I relied on that information, however she missed egg as an ingredient.
It was truly awful, my DD was very ill. MIL was embarrassed in front of her relatives, upset that we had to leave and I was angry at myself for not double checking. Completely ruined the day and I’m now super anxious about this year (we have been invited back though). It’s going to be the elephant in the room all day.
I think it’s fair enough not to have the confidence to accommodate an allergy. Especially in a child when she is not familiar with the severity of the allergy.

Perhaps she is scared, or does she simply not approve of him dating someone with a kid? Host yourselves perhaps

I don't.

If the child was her actual grandchild, instead of her son's 'step'child so to speak, I bet she'd be a bit more lovingly inclusive.

I wouldn't attend if they're not all invited. I'd offer to spend it with BIL and his girlfriend and child.

The nut thing sounds like a lame excuse. (Most people with nut allergies thankfully don’t have the extreme reaction you read about in the press). Your MIL clearly doesn’t like your BIL’s partner. I bet it’s snobbery of some sort, such as class/race/religion or the fact she is ‘2nd time around’ and already has a child. There are infrequent threads on here where PILs treat step-grandchildren or potential SGC terribly because they are not their own blood. It is so cruel. I suggest you make alternative arrangements to include your BIL for Christmas Day to show your support, or try and talk your PIL round first, as they are being really foolish.