Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

‘He took her kids and didn’t say where he or they were!‘

OP said that he texted her and told her where they were. And they’re his kids too.

I think this thread is an excellent example of weird Mumsnet hypocrisy towards men. Most of the time posters are criticizing men for not basically doing exactly the same jobs as women in the home and having the same amount of responsibility with the children - and rightly so. But then when a father takes his children out for the day, presumably to spend some time with them after a horrible row, maybe to give each other time to cool down, maybe to give his wife a break, maybe because he’s worried the kids heard the fight and wants to give them a nice day afterwards - he’s suddenly abusive! If a mother had taken her children out in the same circumstances there’s no way she’d be being called abusive by posters as presumably it’s her job as a woman to take control of the kids and as a woman they’re somehow more her responsibility than his?

But then when a father takes his children out for the day, presumably to spend some time with them after a horrible row, maybe to give each other time to cool down, maybe to give his wife a break, maybe because he’s worried the kids heard the fight and wants to give them a nice day afterwards - he’s suddenly abusive!

I’ve asked another poster this with no reply - if that’s the case, why not tell her where he’d taken her SEN toddler and baby? Why ignore her texts all day?

I honestly pity you if you think this is the actions of a loving father.

people like me are highlighting the fact that parents are equal, kids do not belong to the mother, and taking care of them or out for the day is a right and responsibility for both parent equally.

All of that is of course true. But what is also true is that, unless you are a totally inconsiderate arsehole, when you are married to someone with PTSD you let them know what your plans are when you do that, and you don't ignore all her attempts to communicate.

There's a weird thing on mumsnet where almost 100% of threads will have at least one person saying "if the man and woman were switched people would be responding differently" when in actual fact, they probably wouldn't.

One parent taking the 5-month-old baby and 20-month-old autistic toddler out before the other parent wakes up, with not even a mention of it beforehand and without leaving a note or anything, is STRANGE. When that one parent rarely takes them out and when they've had a huge row the night before out splitting up, it is even more concerning. It doesn't matter whether it's the mum or dad! I'm sure a dad in that situation would feel just as worried (if not more so) that his wife had left him and taken the kids.

Let's just put this in perspective here. A father took his two young kids to the park. He texted back 2 hours after she texted him. OP herself took 2 hours to text asking where they were. Maybe he had legit reasons why it took him a bit longer than usual. He said where they were. He brought them home again.

When you are busy with two toddlers you aren't on your phone constantly. Especially if you aren't always a hands on Dad and aren't used to multitasking!

Yes he was probably being a bit of a dick. But he's probably also feeling crap himself having just lost his job, and OPs health issues could have been worrying him for months too, there could be loads more going on here.

We are just saying it's a big thing to jump straight to saying how massively abusive this guy is, from relatively little information about a brief one off occasion.

But NoIDontWatchLoveIsland you’ve conveniently missed out the part about one of those children being SEN, and needing his mother - do you honestly think he felt he was doing the right thing by his children, knowing that one of them has separation anxiety? Honestly?

@FrauHaribo Some posters having an opinion about what a parent should or should not do is one thing, we are all allowed to have one.

Of course you are. Opinions are like arseholes. Very much like them, in some cases.

Let's just put this in perspective here. A father took his two young kids to the park. He texted back 2 hours after she texted him.

Let's just put this in perspective here. A person who never usually takes the kids out alone and usually always lets their partner know where they are took both baby and autistic toddler with separation anxiety out before the partner had even woken up. With no note. The morning after a huge row about breaking up. Then did not answer phonecalls or respond to texts for two hours.

Of course some of these things are normal individually. But most adults are capable of seeing the full context of a situation.

I don't think it was the best thing to do, but ive personally experienced my DH underestimating how much impact separation anxiety can have (I mean many 20m olds get this, autism or no). People often doggedly ignore it a bit because they are hurt that the child seems to be rejecting them for the other parent. We just don't know what this child's relationship is like with their father in reality. I just feel like abusive is a big word.

OP you have some very difficult things to deal with right now with the PTSD and two tiny children, one of whom requires a lot of additional support from you. It is no surprise that you panicked today. However, I'm a little concerned about the wellbeing of your DP. He's not coped at work and has ended up being sacked- out of character. He has refused the offer of another job and has made an excuse, despite knowing you are unable to work right now. I think the last few months have hit him really hard and he knows he is supposed to be the solid, dependable one as you are struggling but I think he's struggling too. You two need to talk. Sometimes one partner's needs are so great that no-one notices the other partner falling apart- and if they do notice they don't make allowances for it because one has to be the strong one, which isn't always possible.

DriftingLeaves
feel free to leave the thread, no one is asking you here.

And I know I'm gonna get utterly flamed for saying this, but there's a shitload of parents on the SEN boards desperately fighting for ASD diagnoses for older kids who would kill to know where on earth OP lives that diagnoses at 20m, even with family history and severe symptoms. Many of the hallmarks of autism are common in babies/toddlers, the reason its often not diagnosed til later is that a lot of kids catch up developmentally eg the late talkers etc

@FrauHaribo It's not a philosophical debate.

This is a woman under great emotional strain who was separated from her very young children in a cruel and distressing way, and has posted for support.

There are plenty of threads where you can exercise those debating skills of yours that you hold in such high regard. I suggest that you go and find one. You're not helping anyone here, least of all the person who started the thread.

Meerkats does make a sound point there too. OP has had a shit time, it doesn't mean she's the only one.

I just feel like abusive is a big word

But he didn’t just go off in a fit of pique because he didn’t understand the separation anxiety - he took them away all day and ignored his wife’s concerns and his child’s needs. What do you consider abusive?

I would never leave the house with H sleeping wo telling him where I am going, let alone if I was taking the dcs with me. If I knew he was exhausted and wouod prefer to sleep, I would leave a BIG note letting him know.
I would also always tell him where I am going.
And the same goes with him.

I mean isnt that just basic politeness??

The fact he REFUSED to say where they were, told the OP they were coming back 'soon' and soon became 2 hours etc... is telling me he was on a power controlling trip, doing his best to create anxiety in the OP (and knowing she would be more likely to take the bait because of the PTSD). Thats rubbish tbh.
It also means he has shown his true colours :(

who would kill to know where on earth OP lives that diagnoses at 20m, even with family history and severe symptoms

So, he’s not abusive because the OP is lying about her son’s diagnosis? Otherwise what are you suggesting here?

Rubicon80

I am as allowed as you to express my point of view and disagree that it's all a "red flag" "alarm bell" as some posters would have it.

If you cannot bear my opinion, I suggest you scroll past my posts and ignore them.

In a lot of homes the mum is the main carer. If dad is at work then obviously it's mum who takes the kids out on her own. This is normal for the kids.

If dad decides oneday that he's going to disappear with the kids when it's not usual for him to that isn't normal and would be worrying.

Yes dads can take their kids out whenever or where ever they want. But first there is usually a discussion with the mum to let her know his plan to do so.

Dads disappear with their kids all the time and unfortunately it doesn't always end well. Especially after rows and arguments about separating. Don't be naive. 🙄

I would never leave the house with H sleeping wo telling him where I am going, let alone if I was taking the dcs with me.

that's my point, I have and so has DH. When whoever wakes up in an empty house, s/he usually grabs their phone and asks where the other one is. Sometimes there might be note, other times, not. Such a non issue.

I don't know anyone who feel they have to justify and explain every single little thing they do. I wouldn't even wake up DH if I am leaving the house with the kids in it, would you?

that's my point, I have and so has DH.

But the OP’s partner doesn’t. Ever. He’s never taken both of his children out before. So this was unusual behaviour from him.

Yes dads can take their kids out whenever or where ever they want. But first there is usually a discussion with the mum to let her know his plan to do so.

I am sorry, but I find this very scary. How can this be true?
Even with our first baby, DH has taken him out whilst I was asleep, for a walk, to grab breakfast, for whatever outing he felt like. None of us would have needed to discuss our plans in advance! I would have thought leaving someone to sleep was the kind thing to do!

OK, there was a big row in the OP, so things are different, but some of the reasoning behind what is unacceptable for a father to do is just odd.

On so many threads, the advice to a woman having an argument with husband (coming home drunk, being late, nothing abusive) is to take the kids and go away for a day or more!

Actually, most often the advice is to go out and leave the kids with him.

It is utterly ridiculous not to see this for what it is, especially as he came home in a shitty mood and is unapologetic.

I have a great relationship with my OH, he has a great relationship with our DD. They spend as much time out doing things themselves as I do with her. If we had a row where we talked about splitting, and I woke to find her had taken her off, and he was vague about why or where or when he would be back, I would be deeply worried, and he knows that. It isn’t a possession thing, nor is it a man thing because I guarantee he would be the same if I did it to him.

And that’s with a ten year old. To do so with a baby would be even worse.

Stop being all politically correct and wilfully ignorant about what most people see as exerting control.