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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

299 replies

Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:01

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:29

Amouse1
it's more than understandable to be upset because someone lose their job, but threatening to leave him if he doesn't get a job is a bit harsh!

DianneWhatcock · 25/09/2019 16:31

YANBU

he has done this to unnerve and scare you, he sounds such a dick, I am sorry

the relationships board might be a better place to talk this through x

Dillydallyingthrough · 25/09/2019 16:31

I don't get the previous posts. He clearly did this to scare the shit out of you. It's clear that this unusual behaviour as OP says they normally tell each other when they are taking the kids out. He's a dick OP.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 16:32

Ok the dh is back now.
He was out of order and all those saying nothing to worry about are you on glue?
Children have been taken and killed by their father after a row where splitting up has been discussed.
It happened to someone I know, and I've heard of a couple of other cases. It happens.
He was an utter cunt for letting her worry like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2019 16:33

I would be really unnerved if my dh did this to me, did you try to call him?

milliefiori · 25/09/2019 16:33

You are both having a really stressful time right now. Two young hcildren, your serious health scare. He must have let the stress get the better of him at work and now has job loss to add to the stress.

Be nice to each other! You don't need to apologise but I think it's worth making a cup of tea and saying: we've both had a shit time recently; let's work together to sort this out.

Jellybeansincognito · 25/09/2019 16:33

He sounds abusive, I definitely think you need to continue speaking about splitting up.

You argued about him not putting your kids first and he went out this morning and did the same, leaving an autistic child without his mum just to spite you.

What a prick.

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:34

If he had left for the day without taking the kids, he would have been called a lot worst by some posters! Just read recent threads...

Leaving the house for the day because you need to cool down and taking the kids with you doesn't sound like such an issue, sorry. Unless there's a massive back story, it's just an argument between 2 partners.

Jellybeansincognito · 25/09/2019 16:34

Sorry for saying his- you didn’t specify.

EmmiJay · 25/09/2019 16:35

@Drabrani I was just about to comment that!

Boobiliboobiliboo · 25/09/2019 16:35

Our 20 month old is autistic

Eh? Confused

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:35

Children have been taken and killed by their father after a row where splitting up has been discussed.

FFS get a grip, it's not a soap opera, it's real life (ish). Is that sort of stupid comment really necessary?

saraclara · 25/09/2019 16:35

I don't get the previous posts, either. He's lost his job, they had a row where splitting up was mentioned. You do know how men can react when their world is threatened, surely?

I'm normally the last person to over-react to things, but I was so relieved to read that he was home with them, and it wasn't going to be another father and kids murder/suicide.

AnneKipanki · 25/09/2019 16:35

Sounds like you are all stressed.

BigFatLiar · 25/09/2019 16:35

I'm currently maternity leave and have been diagnosed with PTSD after almost losing my life having DC2, five months ago. My physical and mental health is shit. We was rumbling along ok until he decided to start shouting and swearing at work.

People don't tend to decide to start shouting & swearing. If this wasn't his normal behavior it may be that he is also having problems. You mention that you almost lost your life having DC2, could the shock of almost losing you be hitting him?

saraclara · 25/09/2019 16:36

ah...cross posted with others.

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 16:36

OP, I think you should ask for this to be moved to relationships.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2019 16:36

@FrauHaribo
I don’t think you should be taking the kids out if you need time to cool down. Better to do that alone. Especially considering he unnerved op by leaving no explanation and not getting in touch.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:36

The relationship has been rocky for a while.

However It wasn't the fact he lost his job, it was how he behaved to get the sack in the first place, then deliberately turning down other work opportunities and being an arse about it when there is no time to be.

Our DC could lose their home because 1) he behaved appallingly and lost his job then 2) because he's refusing other jobs because he doesn't want to sit in an office.

I'm now forced to intervene and try to fix things whilst I'm far from recovered and ready to go back to work myself.

There is no doubt in my mind he did this today to make a statement.

I tried to call him and he ignored me then didn't reply for two hours to my texts.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 25/09/2019 16:36

Yes , I agree with you @saraclara .

RagBagMag · 25/09/2019 16:38

Gobsmacked at these replies. Of course he was doing it deliberately. Not many men would take an autistic toddler and a 5 month old out for a nice day out by themselves, not without expecting a medal and a parade. Mum wakes up and there's nobody in the house, no explanation? Come the fuck on.

OP, I'm concerned about you and your children. Coupled with the out of the blue shouting and swearing at work, your DH sounds unhinged

Jellybeansincognito · 25/09/2019 16:38

How are the children OP?

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:39

The children are fine, I mentioned DS having autism because he's very dependent on me personally.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 25/09/2019 16:40

Abusive. It is like a threat, he did it to make you more anxious and punish you by the sound of it.
Do you want to stay with him ? Why was he shouting and swearing at work, is he normally verbally aggressive?

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:40

I don’t think you should be taking the kids out if you need time to cool down. Better to do that alone.

but it's fine when the mother does it?

When people complain about the "mental load", "wife work" and men not taking responsibilities, they should have a look at this thread and see that a man is being called abusive, or at risk of killing his child (WTF!!! Shock )because he took his kids for the day!

This thread is absolutely insane. Classic MN, but outrageous nevertheless.