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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

299 replies

Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:01

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 25/09/2019 16:07

He is BU. He is acting like a child.

Zebraaa · 25/09/2019 16:10

Yes he has probably tried to unnerve you but he has told you they are with him and you know they’re safe. They are his children too.

MaPaSpa · 25/09/2019 16:10

he is their father, unless you have reason to think he has malicious intent it is weird to worry about your children being with their father. does he usually never spend any time with them?

Windydaysuponus · 25/09/2019 16:12

Unless he is used to having them for long periods of time I bet he won't be in a hurry to take them again..
Have a bath op. Recharge for when they get back. He will hand over pretty quick imo.
He sounds awful..

OkayGo · 25/09/2019 16:13

God I’d be fretting really badly if that happened to me. It’s not ok to just take children and not let you know.

Lazypuppy · 25/09/2019 16:13

He is their dad, he can take them out for the day. You know they are with him so safe.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2019 16:13

How would he feel if you’d done that? Appalling behaviour used to punish and scare you. Horrible. Can’t imagine you’re minded to make up now.

CoffeeRunner · 25/09/2019 16:14

What was the argument about?

For example - were you saying that DH doesn’t spend enough time with the DCs or help enough with them? If so, maybe he’s showing you he can be involved. Albeit in a rather childish way.

keepingbees · 25/09/2019 16:18

Assuming you've tried contacting him, could you contact his family or friends where he might've gone? This would make me uncomfortable in the circumstances.

ChicCroissant · 25/09/2019 16:19

I was thinking the same as Coffee, was the argument about him not spending time with the children or you not getting a break? Was he due at work today?

I am slightly impressed that he managed to get himself and two children up and out of the door so quietly that you didn't wake up, though!

Hope they all get home soon!

AnneKipanki · 25/09/2019 16:19

Can you text back and ask about time ?

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:19

I honestly don't think I - or DH - leaves a note if we take the kids out in the morning. Might, but most of the time, neither of us would bother.

I imagine you'd text or whatsapp asking where they are.

Unless there's a huge concern, there's nothing wrong with a dad taking his kids for the day. I can imagine any side doing the same after a row.

It would be a lot more annoying if he just decided to go for the day and leave you the kids without help (when he could have given some).

YANBU to be annoyed after a row, YABU to have an issue with your partner taking his kids.

AlunWynsKnee · 25/09/2019 16:20

Is he responding to messages or is he totally blanking you?

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:20

could you contact his family or friends where he might've gone? This would make me uncomfortable in the circumstances.

how would you feel if your husband was doing that to you when you take the kids out?

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:20

The argument was because he has been fired, through his own conduct at work, and put our home in jeopardy as a result of it. My DB offered to get him work with his team and DP refused because he doesn't like the type of work, or where it is.

I told him he's being selfish and not having the DC's best interests at heart and say that unless he grows up pronto we will be forced to separate because we will lose out home. He was stomping about the place telling me to shut up etc.

Then I wake up to that.

He's just arrived back now, with an appalling attitude.

I understand he's the DC father and I have no problem with him having them obviously but I really so believe today was designed to unnerve me.

OP posts:
painauchocolat84 · 25/09/2019 16:21

I don’t think a father needs permission to spend time with his children regardless of whether he’s had an argument with their mother or not. If you had been the one to take them out you wouldn’t think you were being unreasonable would you?

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:22

In the nicest way, do you have a job? Could you support the family whilst he's looking for something and taking care of the kids?

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:23

It's the done thing in our house that we keep each other posted, IE "just popping to town with the kids" or "going to be out today see you later on"

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 25/09/2019 16:24

Why are people being so horrible to the op. Her husband was a cunt it was done deliberately to upset her.

clarinstunic · 25/09/2019 16:25

painauchocolat84

He took her kids and didn’t say where he or they were!

Nothing to do with rights , it’s to do with frightening the shit out of someone.

BottleBeach · 25/09/2019 16:26

I’m assuming as you don’t mention it that you’re not breastfeeding the 5 month old?

How were the children when he got home?

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:26

I'm currently maternity leave and have been diagnosed with PTSD after almost losing my life having DC2, five months ago. My physical and mental health is shit. We was rumbling along ok until he decided to start shouting and swearing at work.

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 16:28

Why are people being so horrible to the op.
no one is being horrible.

How long did it take the DH to reply to the OP when she asked him where they were? (and even then, I would cut some slack if it wasn't instant as I wouldn't expect a parent to reply when they are driving or busy with kids!

bibliomania · 25/09/2019 16:28

It absolutely can be a tactic of abuse. To all those posters say "Well, my DH takes the dcs out and doesn't leave me a note", it's totally different where there's happiness and trust between you.

My exH used to do this frequently in order to punish me. It escalated to the point where he would physically remove DD from me and not let her go to me - for a period of 24 hours on one occasion. It was hideous. Thank God he's an ex.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:29

I'm not BF anymore no, the kids are fine. I don't doubt his parenting capabilities.

I did however worry that he wasn't going to bring them home because there was talk of splitting up last night, we didn't resolve the argument and he's still in the foul mood now.

I asked him whether he intended to worry me and he said no, I asked then why didn't he let me know and he said "dunno"

He knew what he was doing.

OP posts: