Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP said that he texted her and told her where they were.

He said they were at the park - for a whole day in the pouring rain? It was clearly not the truth and he knew she would know that.

Reading all of the replies and very grateful for the supportive ones, which is most of them so thank you.

I am receiving support I have medication, a fab GP and a fab therapist who have all been wonderful.

When you go from the capable supportive one to being the one in need of support it can suddenly show an unequal relationship.

I realised that the very few (3) times in my marriage that I had really needed support I’d got nothing. In fact there were tantrums and drama and attention seeking to restore the who does the supporting.

It’s a lightbulb moment. Pay attention. I got rid.

@Rubicon80 you’re so fucking rude. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. I bet you’re one of those “I just say it how it is” people

No. Rubicon was spot on. Not all opinions are equal.

Rubicon80
likes to make a thread about them, best ignore posters like that who are just trying to be goady to gain as much attention as possible.

When people can't articulate an argument but have to use insults, you know where you stand. It's MN after all.

My parting shot on this thread is just going to be this.... to the people saying OP is looking for support...

This is AIBU. I rest my case.

Well said @Rubicon80.

Frau
Are you Amouse's partner? Only I'm really struggling to understand why you're failing to understand her concerns.

Of course he has a right to spend time with the children. That's not up for debate. But the context and the circumstances are worrying. I don't have kids but sympathise totally with the mother.

My parting shot on this thread is just going to be this.... to the people saying OP is looking for support...

Oh please don’t let that be your last post, you still haven’t explained why you’re so reluctant to call the OP’s partner abusive while insinuating she’s lying about her son’s SEN diagnosis! I’m so keen to know!

Sorry but autism is on both sides of my family too and my son has been flagged up to possibly be on the "mild" end of the spectrum and high functioning with high IQ. He is 4 and they won't do any official assessments until he is at least 6 as they have scrapped the ones done at the earliest (at 4) that they used to do because they were so flakey. Even privately they won't do it. He goes to private school, has private SLT and tbh all the traits that lead everyone (HV, paediatricians, teachers, family) to think he may be autistic, seem to be ironing themselves out at disappearing. It seems to be more of a S&L thing rather than an autistic thing.
I'm sorry but no way would a 20 month old be diagnosed autistic. When my son was 20mths old there were things that would make us take a step back and go "this isn't normal" but no way would ANYONE diagnose a baby with autism - not unless there were other severe conditions that meant he was seriously delayed. My cousin is SERIOUSLY autistic and they fought for a diagnosis until they finally got one when he was 7.
Having separation issues and being extra clingy to you is probably more to do with the anxiety disorder you have projecting onto him than it is anything else so... just saying 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's just my experience though and I could be completely wrong!
As far as your husband goes though... he's a prick and I'm sorry he has behaved like that. It is clear it was to trigger you and to gaslight you - I mean, he can turn it right back round on you and say "what, am I not allowed to take my babies out - I was giving you the day off!" But you and he both know what he was doing... it is abusive and the backstory of him shouting and swearing at work, being aggressive like that, is something to be concerned about. If you want to be with him, then obviously you need to help him as he may be (probably is) having a mental breakdown. If you don't particularly want to be with him or don't care either way (does sound like you aren't in the best relationship and don't like each other that much anyway) then make some calls to women's charities that can help get you out of there or give you the best advice on how to get him out.
Don't carry on fighting with him though as he could snap and you clearly don't know how he will react at the moment as he is being so out of character.
Just be careful and calm.

I've just read your updates - I take back what I said about the autism. It's clear there are developmental things going on and I am sorry for jumping to conclusions and telling you you are wrong. It drove me mad when I thought there was something wrong with my son and no one would listen and everyone would give me their pennies worth - I shouldn't have said anything and I'm sorry. I hope you get the right help for your son in the future and the correct diagnosis, whatever that may be.
This thread should be about your husband's actions, not be derailed by idiots like myself that think they know it all and don't.
I stick to your husband being a prick though z

Why should he have a job he would hate?

Because in grown up land shit needs paying for and if your partner (male or female) is too ill to work then it falls to you. In fact in this situation having to be asked to get a job is terrible in itself.

My partner was too ill to work at one point, he didn't need to ask or pester me to take on more work and earn the extra money needed. I got off my arse by myself and did it because it needed doing.

If a woman was posting that her husband was trying to force her into work she would not enjoy then you would all be saying he is controlling.

If they have kids and a house to maintain and he was unwell then no, he would be talking sense. If they were minted and he insisted for the sake of it then yeah, that would be controlling.

you nearly died but

Are you also "not racist but"...?

*x

I must be a terrific liar if I'm lying about my son's autism, because the stringent people at the DLA department seem to believe me in accordance to the paperwork evidence they've seen and examined.

As do the people who run the special needs playgroup he attends every Friday, his paediatrican, health visitor, GP and speech and language therapist.

Somebody on MN must be right though, as qualified as they are, because they've spent 0 hours in his company and haven't seen him

Don't be so bloody daft and needlessly provocative.

Trolls and goady posters aside, I agree with the sensible ones who agree the behaviour displayed by your partner today was completely unreasonable and horrible.

I would say the same if a mother did it in the same situation.

As parents we should never use our children in a controlling or fear inducing manner. The OP’s partner is very aware of what the resulting effect his behaviour would have on her and chose to do it. It sounds very much like a red flag to me.

Before I began typing my response out I ran the situation by my DH and he agrees that the behaviour is completely out of order. I’m glad your lovely DC are home and safe @Amouse1 I hope your situation improves one way or another with your partner. In your shoes I would be livid

Jeez, these comments are not where I expected this thread to go. How anyone can read the context and think it was ok behaviour needs this

This is AIBU. I rest my case

That's ok StinkyBumFace my above post wasnt directed toward you, no offence taken. I hope your son gets the support he needs and deserves, I know it can and is a minefield for alot of parents.

Yes you nearly died but it will have affected your husband hugely too

Did you keep a straight face when you typed that out hmm hmm hmm

When was born, I was rushed in to emergency surgery after losing over a pint of blood as the worked to keep both of us alive.

When they whisked me away, my husband was left in a room which was covered in my blood, holding my suitcase and not knowing whether he would see either of us again. He was there for ten minutes before a passing auxiliary saw him and led him to the parents room.

Only an idiot would suggest that wouldn’t have had some effect on him.

My lo was diagnosed with an evolving social communication disorder at 15 months old, and shock horror is a girl

Diagnosis can absolutely be made at a young age due to severity of signs and symptoms. My lo has displayed self injurious behaviour since just over 12 months old which is how we came to be under the care of neurology who in turn diagnosed our young toddler. I have a friend who’s lo gouged our her own eye during the night at 22 months old having been diagnosed at 19 months and is now classed as visually impaired.

Just because some others have a more complex presentation making diagnosis more difficult doesn’t mean that others who have an absolute clear cut presentation can’t be diagnosed at a young age.

(Op your ‘d’h has behaved appallingly, don’t let this drop, but do try to communicate in a calm way, for your sake if nothing else).

@Amouse1 as previous posters have mentioned your partner took your children with the sole purpose of upsetting you.

To make it clear to those such as Frauharibo who are being deliberately obtuse, my ex would pull similar stunts after arguments with me. For context, I had a year of mat leave, but ex didn't have a job for the majority of the time so we were both at home. After I went back to work her looked after our daughter whilst I worked. He was a reluctant dtay atbhome dad. When I was at home, it would default to me looking after our daughter. Very rarely would he voluntarily take our daughter out, never without being asked.

Ex was feeding daughter at the weaning stage (enjoyed the novelty of feeding her/always would like to appear to do things when staying at my parents) and it was dinner. Ex was trying to force feed her more food even though she had eaten a lot already. My mum and I had said she has had enough, especially before bed. He then took her away from the table, then stormed out with her in the pram. He didn't come home until 11pm and wouldn't answer his phone. It was a cold, wet autumn night and our daughter should have been wrapped up in bed.

After arguments at home, ex would snatch our daughter off of me (we were playing/cuddling). He would then sit on the sofa on the other side of the room. He would cuddle her for five minutes, but then place her down next to him but then take notice of her, instead looking at his phone. It was purely to take her off of me.

There have been other occasions where he just took off with our daughter for a few hours in the day, also after arguments. Like I said before, he would never take her out off his is own back, if I was there too under normal circumstances.

I must be a terrific liar if I'm lying about my son's autism, because the stringent people at the DLA department seem to believe me in accordance to the paperwork evidence they've seen and examined.

It’s great you have been able to get a diagnosis so young and that your son is getting the help he needs. I think the scepticism is solely because that is definitely the exception rather than the rule.

StinkyBumFace M-CHAT is designed for use at 18 months old in children who've already been flagged due to first degree relatives or at earlier general developmental screening. 18 months is the point at which children with the form of autism which used to be known as kanners syndrome typically go through a language regression at around 18 months, having aquired vocabulary at 12-16 months they tend to lose most of their words - this form of autism is often fairly obvious to professionals with relevant training and can be diagnosed early. Other forms may not be apparent until school age.

Obviously autism screening is complex, but it's possible to be on the way to a formal diagnosis at 18 months+

@Amouse1 the more I think about it the more I could kick myself for actually saying the kinds of things people used to say to me. I truly am sorry - I regretted sending it as soon as I pressed "post" and, while you say it's ok, it really isn't. Especially not coming from someone that has cried in doctors surgeries, spent hours and hours googling and researching in the middle of the night, cried watching him be "different" to all the other kids in nursery and now school, and cried her eyes out when finally someone listened and said they could see it too. It was then that the ball started rolling and the help he needed got given. Whether he is autistic or not is still to be determined, but he definitely struggled/struggles and he definitely needed help.
As I said, I am sorry. Thank you for accepting my apology after me being so quick to judge. I really hope your son is getting all the help he needs and I hope you are getting all the support you need now and moving forward x