Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

I think it's obvious lots of us (me included) don't have much experience of dysfunctional relationships where one partner doesn't regularly care for the children alone & isn't trusted to do so ad hoc. Of course children often have a primary care giver but equally in many modern homes, mum or dad take the kids out spontaneously without any issue. If this situation happened in my home, I would interpret it as DH trying to appease me after the row with a lie in and some hands on parenting.

it doesnt matter what you all do at home, OP knows their own life.

He’s abusive, of course he is. People like Frau only highlight how low the bar is for shit fathers to be considered fantastic parents.

He did it for revenge, and for spite.

So next time I argue with Dh and take my kids with me if I leave the house makes me abusive, put my kids at risks?

If it's unusual for you to care for your children on your own for long periods and you disappear unexpectedly for a whole day while refusing to communicate with your DH where you are and when you'll be back as a result of a blazing row, then yes, I would call you abusive.

I wouldn't say and haven't said you would be putting the children at risk though.

GabsAlot
I can't agree with calling someone abusive, a dick, putting his kids at risks and so on because he's the father. Got it?

Keep going with the double standards though - on MN if a DH doesn't wake up when a baby is involved, he MUST be lying, but if a wife doesn't wake up the DH must have sneaked out ...
so yeah, keep going.

If this situation happened in my home, I would interpret it as DH trying to appease me after the row with a lie in and some hands on parenting.

Even if you asked where they were and when they would be home after a few hours and he refused to tell you?

OP what he did was NOT ok, I know it, you know it, and all but a few hugely unempathetic posters get it.

I'd be fucking distraught if that happened to me and if I did it to my DH I'd expect him to be upset and worried too.

I hope you can find a way forward. I can't believe he's still being a dick. Any chance you can have someone mediate while you discuss like grownups?

People like Frau only highlight how low the bar is for shit fathers to be considered fantastic parents.

ahem, no people like me are highlighting the fact that parents are equal, kids do not belong to the mother, and taking care of them or out for the day is a right and responsibility for both parent equally.
Trying to pretend that it's a woman right and job is bringing us backwards.

He is an absolute bastard to do that and I would not forgive him for it - not to make a point, but to put it quite simply my trust in him to be a good responsible parent and a team player with me would be gone.

His modus operandi is to sulk and be silent until I brush it under the carpet and change the subject to something breezy and light.

Then this time, don't. Make plans to leave him.

Every parents worse nightmare! If I was in your position I would of thought the worse to! Glad their home. Hope your okay and your nerves have calmed now OP 💐

The gaslighters are out in force today, trying to say that there's nothing wrong with this. It sounds terrifying. And abusive. And threatening.

Boobill Autistic children don't like change of routine and he doesn't like being separated from his mother which the OP stated

YANBU, of course he did this with malicious intent. There’s no way he suddenly decided to take a toddler and baby out for the day (without at least leaving a note or texting you to let you know his intentions) and thought he was doing a nice thing. He did it unnerve you and try to control you, what a prick.

It’s abusive and was done to frighten you by taking the kids. To highlight what he ‘could’ do if you split.
The fact he’s still sulking emphasises he’s not sorry.
From your OP it sounds like he has a poor attitude at work too.

I honestly can’t believe the replies on this thread.

The op’s dh clearly did this to scare her. If he did it to clear his head or spend time with the kids he would have replied or left a note. On what planet of abuse fuckwits is this ok? I would be livid if dh used our children to scare me. In fact I’d be packing his shit up for when he returned.

Timandra
you haven't, but some other posters have been near hysterical and so unhelpful.

Row or no row, if I wake up in an empty house, I don't wait 2 hours to text Dh and asking where he is with the kids either. 2 pissed off against each other adults can be just as bad as each other.

Can you honestly not picture the reactions if the OP has stated they had a row, and DH left her with a baby and a toddler alone for the day?

The gaslighters are out in force today, trying to say that there's nothing wrong with this. It sounds terrifying. And abusive. And threatening.

some posters are so irrationally bitter and angry that they have lost all sight of what a real abusive and threatening relationship is. It's actually quite scary.

Of course this is abusive, it’s incredible that so many people are defending him We all know that fathers who disappear with the kids, without notice, after a big fight, sometimes do very bad things. This was a deliberate ploy to frighten the OP, and people trying to paint him as a caring and involved father are either being incredibly naive or purposely disingenuous.

I can't wrap my head around those posters questioning the autism diagnosis!!!

@FrauHaribo
Is it crack you smoke??? Why do you insist on ignoring all context and twisting the OPs posts to suit your own thoughts..

“I can't agree with calling someone abusive, a dick, putting his kids at risks and so on because he's the father. Got it?” Nobody is calling the father abusive, a dick, etc SINPLY BECAUSE HES THE FATHER. They are calling him that because he has acted out of character in getting up early, taking the kids out while Mum was still asleep without her knowing and deliberately ignoring all messages and calls. This would cause any Mum distress. Not because they would immediately jump to the conclusion the father was a risk to the kids, but because there may have been an accident etc.

Normal practice in THEIR household is for either parent to let the other know they were popping out, etc. It’s common courtesy, not control or belief that the kids belong to the Mum only.

Oh, and admitted himself that he should have told the OP.

A nice try at taking the moral high ground but it’s not to be today. Go find another thread to troll on.

The baby is only five months old, for crying out loud!

His modus operandi is to sulk and be silent until I brush it under the carpet and change the subject to something breezy and light

That sounds like massively hard work. Has he always been like this? If I had to hazard a guess I'd say pre children, you were able to accommodate his needs and whims and sulking, so maybe didn't notice quite the extent of the one sided nature of the relationship, but now you have children you can't put all your emotional effort into him any more, so he's stropping more and more.

If he was in any way reasonable maybe you could talk things through with him. I'd like to think this was possible, but to be honest from what you've described so far I wouldn't be holding out a lot of hope.

I guess it'll come down to whether you think you can put up with 20 years of him behaving like this, or whether you can make plans to leave. How dependent on you is your older child? Can you get specialist nursery provision for him, or are you going to need to be his primary carer till he's school age?

Some of the responses early in this thread are baffling. Don't people read the context of a thread before replying?

I don’t think a father needs permission to spend time with his children regardless of whether he’s had an argument with their mother or not. If you had been the one to take them out you wouldn’t think you were being unreasonable would you?

Of course a father (or mother) doesn't need permission to spend time their children. But taking them out before the other parent is even awake, without telling them beforehand, is a bit weird! Even more so when it's "unusual" for them to take them out alone and there has been a huge row the night before. And even MORE so when one of them has autism and doesn't like to be separated from the other parent.

But yeah, OP this is all totally normal and he's done nothing wrong at all.

OP we can all call him a dick till the cows come home.
The most important thing is YOU KNOW he did it on purpose to upset and scare you.
Please don't brush this under the carpet.