Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

He’s panicking and knows if you split up he will lose you and a lot of his kids. You are right to be anxious. This is intense behaviour.

OP: in deciding how to move forwards, I would start a thread in Relationships.

AIBU is not the place for anything emotional, sensitive or involving children with SEN.

ahem, no people like me are highlighting the fact that parents are equal, kids do not belong to the mother, and taking care of them or out for the day is a right and responsibility for both parent equally.
Trying to pretend that it's a woman right and job is bringing us backwards.

Is this honestly your reading of this situation? You’re honestly more than happy to ignore the fact he took their anxious, SEN child away from his/her safety (the mother), that it was the only time he’d ever taken his own children out, that he did it after a row because he knew it would scare her and he deliberately didn’t tell her all day where they were? You’re happy to pretend that’s not the case so you can have a dig at feminists?

It sounds like you have both been through a lot and you are both suffering from stress. I am glad the kids are home safely. At the right moment to raise it, I think you need to tell he that you will not accept him repeating what he did today - it was a cruel and spiteful thing to do. However, you also recognise the stress he is under and you want to find more constructive ways of being able to talk about difficult topics with him. Perhaps he would consider counselling. He doesn't sound like he is in a fit state to interview for a job at the moment, which is unfortunate. However, the sense of self-worth that working gives would probably be helpful, so I hope for all of your sakes that he can turn that corner.

Away and eat your sweets mrs Haribo, you aren't here to help OP are you?

First time the dh has ever done this.
He didn’t let his dw know he was going out.
He refused to answer his phone/texts.

Some people are really saying this is fine because the dc don’t just have one parent? Blimey, I think this is lala land sometimes.

1)The kids in question are 2 babies: one 5 months, another 20 months old and with special needs
2) Father rarely (or never) taken them out before alone
3) It was always the done thing in their household to inform another partner if going somewhere (text, call, note, quick word)
4)Mum has PTSD and anxiety, husband knows this
5)He was fired for swearing and shouting at work. They had a huge row about it. Splitting up was mentioned and the row was left unresolved.
6)Mum wakes up to an empty house. No reply to texts and when he finally replies, he announces that he had taken two babies to the park. It's pouring outside.

Yep, sounds absolutely legit. After a big row, being just fired, knowing about his wife's conditions, without doing his 'daddy duties' before, he suddenly decides to become an exemplary parent and sneaks out of the house with two small babies in the pouring rain, while his wife is sleeping. Doesn't reply to texts, doesn't leave a note. Perfectly reasonable and normal, not worrying at all.

Can you honestly not picture the reactions if the OP has stated they had a row, and DH left her with a baby and a toddler alone for the day?

But that would be a completely unrelated issue that didn't involve leaving her concerned about the well being or whereabouts of her two very young children and when they would return.

The problem isn't that he took the children out.

The problem is that he sneaked them out and refused to tell her where they were and when they would be back. It was unusual behaviour for him and the older child was likely to find it distressing.

The fact that other relationships are more abusive doesn't make this behaviour OK, normal or reasonable.

Frau - the OP has said:

It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

The day after an argument about separating. You think this is a coincidence?

4)Mum has PTSD and anxiety, husband knows this

and yet it's fine to leave HER in charge of 2 babies?

(which I think it's completely fine btw, but when people start shouting nonsense about kids safety, they should really read the OP...)

milksoffagain
shock horror, someone might have a different view and opinion than yours. Shocking really.

Youre being ridiculosnow-twitsting every comment to suit you

Have a whole fucking packet of biscuits

Frau, just go away, eh?

Go get your weird jollies elsewhere. You aren't helping with your attention seeking behaviour. It just make you look a bit simple.

DriftingLeaves
if you don't like a comment, scroll past and go on another thread. It's a public forum.

Calling "troll" every time someone has a different opinion is ridiculous.

FrauHaribo Did you misread the OP and are now so dug in you don’t want to back down for fear of losing face? Did you read 5months old as 5 years old?

And then all of, what, 2 posters suggested the OP was not wrong to be concerned due to some high profile news cases of dads harming their children after arguments. (Which hasn’t happened for about 5 pages, btw).

You’re now essentially making up your own thread to respond to, claiming scenarios that aren’t relevant here.

Please get back in your box.

@FrauHaribo Are you being deliberately goady? You are talking total, utter shit, and it's not going to help the OP.

Of course a parent - of whatever sex - doesn't take the children out for a whole day, with no warning or mention, and refuse to answer any contact from the other parent.

It has absolutely fuck all to do with misandry, as you seem so concerned with The Poor Menz.

Stop being so fucking obtuse.

YANBU. You're on maternity leave and unwell. He's rejected your help in getting work and so paying the bills is now your problem as well. Going off with the kids in that manner is passive aggressive at best. I'd be really angry in your position, even if I also felt worried about him.

I’m shocked that there are posters that think this is ok. This wasn’t a father planning on a nice day out with the kids to give the mum a break. He took them out in a way that would deliberately provoke anxiety after a row when the couple are under enormous financial and mental stress. I’d have been beside myself with worry. My husband is an excellent, hands-on father. He wouldn’t just bugger off with our baby without telling me. Equally, I wouldn’t go out at a weekend with the kids without mentioning it.

Frau I get your point. Yeah this is prob a grumpy dad being a dick after a row, and being unreasonable re not texting BUT

• abusive is a strong strong word & it's ok to question whether it's always appropriate.
• mnet is shocking for double standards re what it's ok for mum to do vs dad (travel for work or do very long hours is ok for dad not mum etc).
• everyone on mnet extrapolates from posts like these as if they are OPs nearest and dearest and fully intimate with every detail.

It's obvious where this thread is headed Frau, best leave them to it.

Rubicon80
stop being so fucking rude because you don't agree with someone, it doesn't make you right.

Some posters having an opinion about what a parent should or should not do is one thing, we are all allowed to have one.

What I am questioning is the ridiculous posters who make an issue because it's the FATHER. If he was the one at home, telling his wife to get a job or he would leave, guess how they would react.

So if you don't agree with me, I couldn't care less. I don't need to abuse you because I can't handle someone having a different opinion, if you are wrong.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

you are making perfect sense and an excellent point.
You are absolutely right.

Frau,

I've just looked back through the thread and can't find a single post that says the DH has put the children at risk by taking them out. If there are any, they are very few.

The view that the DH's behaviour is abusive is based on the level of fear he deliberately caused and the controlling behaviour of refusing to give her any information about their children.

It would be equally unreasonable for a mother to disappear unexpectedly, after a row, with her children for an unusually long time, knowingly risking causing them distress and refusing to communicate their whereabouts or when they would return.

Lol. OP I would follow PP's advice of posting in relationships in future. AIBU is full of weirdos looking to derail.

So Frau you think the situation in the OP is absolutely fine? Did he do anything wrong, in your opinion?

Frau, you've become the pub bore dribbling into your pint. Go away, please, you aren't helping the OP.