Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

Gosh, this thread is crazy.

I agree that the husband didn’t have pure motives for going out with the kids and he was wrong for that and for the lack of communication. But labelling someone as abusive based on ONE event is crazy! Unless I’ve missed it, the OP hasn’t said this is a pattern of baehavior, has she? People are just so intent on jumping to the most extreme conclusions.

As for the people scoffing at the poster who pointed out that a person’s wife almost dying would affect them; are you seriously saying that you would remain calm and unscathed if you almost lost your life partner, especially to something as horrific as sepsis? I would be devastated if my husband was that seriously ill. Things like that affect entire families.

The man clearly has something going on. He’s gotten fired from his job and is showing no interest in finding something else, despite the effect that it could have on his wife and children. He needs to seek help for whatever is going on immediately, that is the conversation I would be having with my DH.

OP, I’m glad you have support IRL. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time.

He is a muppet for getting sacked but not unreasonable for taking the kids out. Think that's the least of your issues right now.

@Anothernotherone thank you. I wish I hadn't been so quick to give my, very narrow minded, opinion x

He s BU. Presumably he knows your autistic dc will struggle without you and it will upset dc and you?
Why was he shouting and swearing at work? What s going on with him and his mental health? No responsible parent would risk their dc s home in my opinion.
Stuff annoys us all at work but for the sake of a wage coming in we suck it up.
Poor you OP. I hope you have better friends and family to support you than your "D" P.

This was deliberately done to punish you.
Your H is IMO immature & reckless re losing his job & refusing to accept, even temporarily, your brother's offer, or look seriously for another job fast.
When knowing the alternative, is to lose your home, &/or you having to go back to work earlier than medically appropriate.
I am very sorry to hear of your situation, all round it sounds hard & one sided, I hope it get resolved without you going back to work at this stage.
How you make him step up is another question if he just goes into a mega sulk when he is told a few home truths.

Fuck me OP . Bad and hard times indeed

I really hope you get a good nights sleep and some major calm after the storm . Putting aside your partner , sounds like you need to focus on mental and physical healing fairly majorly

Especially if you have to go back to work

This horrible day aside are you OK to leave the kids with him ?

It sounds like a dick move taking your kids without telling you for the whole day. Designed to make you worry and sweat. He was in a bad mental state when he took them, with losing his job, argument and talk of splitting up. Too many instances of people (usually men) taking the lives of those they supposedly love because they feel their lives are falling apart.

Anyway, I take it they are all back? It sounds like you are both hurting. The children are both young, and this is a stressful time for both of you. First few years are pretty tough with new children and it might good to support one another.

It does actually sound to me like the dad is in a bad state . Not defending him at all / but the combo of wife nearly dying , new born , new scary diagnosis and then losing your job is a potent mix

NOT defending his behaviour today . But hope that both OP and him can take their boxing gloves off and have some respite for both their MH

Sounds abusive to me. He's using your children as a punishment. Taking a 5 month old out without their mum all day? That's cruel to mum and baby. Sounds awful OP. Do you have anyone you can stay with?

I would be taking this seriously

@Littlechocola yes I am being serious. I have been in a job I hate and it does nothing for your mental health. The last thing the OP needs right now is a husband whose mental health is taking a battering too. Benefits are there for when a time if need arises, with a wife that's been very poorly and still struggling mental health wise, a child who is ASD, I'm sure nobody would begrudge them
These until they get themselves back in their feet. They can all support each other, especially allowing the husband to take some of the pressure of the OP so she can focus on getting herself better. A baby with ASD and an even you've baby is a challenge in its own right, nevermind when you are so ill.
OP I never meant to cause you any offence but I think you will have both been supporting each other throughout your relationship. You both need support now as you are going through such a difficult time, not just you bit your whole family. I know from Personal experience what it's like to almost lose your life in child birth, but I also lnow what it's like to see my partner nearly lose his life it is so difficult.
Why don't you claim benefits for a
Short period as family so you can all support each other. I wish you all the best
As a family.

@frauharibo is the voice of reason.
Typically , on Mumsnet , people who disagree just pile on with insults.

Frau , keep talking. You are a lot more eloquent than me. I completely agree with you.

And IRT my son's autism, if you look in the support groups for SEN children on Facebook of which I am in many, you will find copious amounts of parents with children the age of my DS and even younger who are confirmed and diagnosed autistic.

That’s heartening to hear. I am part of a more local support group and it’s something that is virtually impossible to get here. Glad it is working as it should in some places.

@Yabbers

Only an idiot would suggest that wouldn’t have had some effect on him

No one is suggesting it didn't have an impact on him. But this post is not about him and we didn't need to make excuses for him.

The OP has PTSD and is having a tough time, she's seeking support. What possible benefit could there be in dismissing her distress with whatabouttery?!

Especially as there is not evidence that her DH is remotely struggling and plenty that he's just a dick.

And FWIW I also "almost died". My DH had to visit me unconscious in ICU and take our baby home whilst I stayed in hospital. It had a huge impact on him and I suspect he actually has PTSD.

15 years later he cannot talk about the delivery. But he would never ever treat me badly and excuse that behaviour by referencing his trauma.

"No one gives a shit about your views on 'fathers in general'. No one. "

You speak for the whole world , do you ?

No one is suggesting it didn't have an impact on him. But this post is not about him and we didn't need to make excuses for him.

This post is absolutely about him, it is about his behaviour. I’m not suggesting it is behind his behaviour, I don’t know him or how he is. What he did in taking the kids was an awful thing to do. But mental health is complex and who know what is going on in his mind. It isn’t unusual for people to act out of character. Maybe he is just a twat, OP will be the one to judge.

FrauHaribo seems to have come out of the woodwork and is suddenly on every post, being deliberately obtuse and/or combative. It's quite tedious.

Greggers2017 I can’t speak for the OP, but surely you must realise for a lot of people “claim benefits” is not a fix-all? What if the benefits don’t cover the rent/mortgage and bills? Are they supposed to deal with the stress of possible eviction or spiralling debt?

I absolutely hate my job, it affects my mental health in a huge way. I cry often at work, and have to bite my tongue to stop lashing out. However, I also know that just giving up work would place my family in a terrible position, so I keep going in. Do you honestly think that everyone that works does it because they like their jobs?

I completely agree with PegasusReturns - why are people falling over themselves to explain/excuse the husband’s behaviour when this thread should be about supporting the OP? Yes, it is very traumatic to witness a loved one almost die; however it doesn’t excuse the behaviour described here, and the subsequent complete lack of remorse. The willingness some people have to derail this thread with hypothetical whataboutery is shocking.

NoIdon'twatchloveisland WTH is your point about loads of parents waiting an autism diagnosis? The OP has explained multiple times the diagnosis has been made by a pediatric professional-I don't know whether you're a SN parent but at this point it doesn't matter enough with the abnormal fixation-you think it feels good to have an autism diagnosis made before 2-years?

I don't think OP's DP will be able to claim any benefits because he was sacked rather than made redundant or similar. Would he get JSA does anyone know? Every little helps.

My child was diagnosed well before he was three years old. In fact the initial diagnosis of ASD was offered when he had just turned two - NHS all the way. It would have been sooner but I was in complete denial & extremely unwell (dc3 was 5 weeks old when her brother was diagnosed). When a child is severely affected it is really fucking obvious.

Stay strong OP.

@NearlyGranny
If he was sacked, then yes he would be able to claim JSA.

Johnjoeseph not sure why you need to again bring up my name to make personal attacks?

If you don't want to see my name again, may I suggest you ignore my posts, scroll past and stop making it once again about me?

You do know it's possible to comment on a post by just quoting what you are replying to, not making it personal against the poster? HTH

There are a few posters who are being deliberately obtuse. It’s about patterns of behaviour. I wouldn’t necessarily call this man abusive but he’s certainly manipulative and used the children as a weapon to hurt th OP. He’s not the sort of man who would just take the children out for the day and he refused to reply to a message. That is not ok. My husband does equal parenting, probably more, as I have a disability. It wouldn’t be unusual for him to take our children out for the day, although we usual text because it’s polite and we both love the children and would want to know. It’s about communication. Even if he was immensely pissed off with the OP, he could have left a note or message. It’s not his usual thing to do to take the kids out for the day and that is the problem.

OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve got 2 very small children, one with additional needs and your own health problems. I imagine you are both under immense stress and pressure. It may not be exactly the same but you are both struggling. Perhaps you can find a time to talk when you are both calm and find a plan that works for your financial stability first and then you can work on the relationship. I saw someone suggest the relationship board and I would agree. Hopefully it’ll be helpful to have a range of views. Take care.

Horrible thing to do, clearly meant to rattle you. How much it actually means depends on how he behaves to you normally.