Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP please ignore the posters saying ‘he’s the Dad, he’s entitled to take them’.
That’s not representative of the circumstances.
I think it’s clear he took them to scare you. Wouldn’t that scare anyone?
Why didn’t he let you know he was taking them or where he was going? To unnerve you.
Please be careful with this man. He will obviously stoop very low and use your children.

I'm so glad your children are safely home again. It was a rotten thing to do to vanish with them without a word and ignore your calls and then not stick to the return time he gave you himself by a factor of hours.

You must have been so anxious, OP.

For all those saying parents murdering their child/ren before ending their own life is soap opera territory, what planet do you live on? Family annihilation is a known phenomenon and on the increase. It seems often to be triggered by the other parent leaving or threatening to leave. It's rare but by no means unheard of!

I hope the two of you can sit down and have a full and frank talk about the intolerable pressures you are both under and find a way through this together.

If he hints about harming you, the children or himself, you must take him seriously and get help to keep your children and yourself safe.

Behaving so as to be sacked is self-destructive and refusing to consider alternative employment when it's offered on a plate is an indication that he might be spiralling in.

He will have to seek help for himself, as you wisely seem to have done for your PND.

All the best.

OP I'm so sorry that some people on your thread are using it as an excuse to put the boots in for men's rights or something. Nasty fuckers.

That must have been absolutely terrifying for you on top of already suffering from PTSD, and he's behaved like a total arse getting sacked and then refusing to work.

I actually find these replies disgusting.

The OP is struggling .
Her DH nearly lost his wife 5 months ago, and was put face to the real possibility of having a baby and an autistic toddler to care for on his own, he lost his job.

You have a couple who is stressed, must be exhausted and poster still need to try to make things worst by stirring things up? You should be ashamed of yourself. And god forbid a MALE could look after his own children!

YABU/ YANBU to be pissed off, fine. But escalating the stories to fit your own little drama is pathetic, and how is that remotely helping the OP?

Someone people have marriages and relationships with nasty people and they are so used to it, they don’t see how abusive this is.

Cuddle your babies OP

Was your (probably) autistic child with depression anxiety upset spending almost the whole day without you?
If not then I see no real issue.
Yeah it was shitty not to leave you a note.

Why are people pretending his behaviour is ok.? Out if character, unplanned, not responding to calls, probably inappropriate given your sons needs.

Using them as a tool to punish/warn you.

He sounds disgusting. I'd be making a plan b for if this escalates or continues.

I think he did this to get back at you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Make it clear he needs to communicate and then crack on with your evening. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know he ruined your day. Make it clear he can't take his foul mood out on you and go and do something buoy enjoy. Honestly I would plan a few things you want in the next few weeks and try not to get sucked into his drama.

It’s one of those things that happen in abusive situations, some events in isolation seem really petty but often it is part of a pattern of behaviour. It’s death by a thousand cuts.
My abusive ex would do this. Scream and shout at me, call me crazy, make me feel like my life wasn’t worth living, then feel the need to go out and parade the kids around to show what a great father he was. As soon as he was home though it was back to sly digs and silent treatment. He never took them out long enough to need to change a nappy though, doing any actual parenting was too much hassle for him.
Trust that gut instinct OP. It’s rarely wrong x

Waking up to find your young children gone is frightening when it has never happened before
He's trying to bully and control you.
His behaviour and attitude is all about conditioning you - "anytime you try and make me take accountability and responsibility THIS is how i'm going to behave"
He's trying to get you to put up and shut up.

MaxNormal

people like you are the problem.

Stating the equality being a father and a mother is not trying to up men's rights, it's fighting to show equality between men and women! Trying to pretend that children belong to the mother, that childcare is the right of the mother only, is what keeps pulling us backward. Don't whine about wifework, mental load and so on if you cant' accept that a father is as able to look after his babies as their mother and can't have reasonably have them for a day.

a man is being called abusive, or at risk of killing his child (WTF!!! shock )because he took his kids for the day!

He's being called abusive because he sneaked them out of the house unexpectedly and refused to communicate where they were or when they would be home.

That isn't just taking them out for the day and it isn't normal, reasonable behaviour.

He's using this as a form of control, and as a threat, this is clear from the fact that he has never done this before, and had minimal contact with you through the day. If he had done it because he just wanted to give you a break and spend time with his DC, then he would have kept you updated, and probably sent you photos of what they were up to, knowing you would be anxious about them.

You need to think carefully about what is best for you and your DC at this point. His behaviour is concerning.

Incidentally, my DS3 was basically diagnosed as autistic at 14 months, paed confirmed that he very likely had it, and was put on the autistic pathway from that point. It's not uncommon for it to be pretty obvious at that age, but I think it depends on the professionals that you see whether they are willing to recognise it at that point.

OP - this really is shitty behaviour on his part. Hope you can start planning your way towards some sort of a way forward. It's very worrying that he doesn't seem in the least apologetic.

Re. the totally weird attitude that pointing out its shittiness is somehow "feminism gorn mad" and that "he's just being a lovely dad taking the kids out, aren't you harridans always complaining men don't pull their weight?"

1. Taking the kids with no warning, no message, and leaving your partner to wake up to an empty house as punishment for a row the night before is shitty, controlling and abusive behaviour regardless of the sex if the person doing it.

2. Pulling your weight as a partner and sharing the parenting looks like this: "you look knackered after a week with the kids 24/7, how about I feed them breakfast tomorrow, make a picnic and head out for the day, giving you a bit of a break? We'll come and kiss you goodbye before we head out, and we'll be back about 3.00." What it doesn't look like at all is scenario (1).

If, as a poster, you really have trouble telling the difference between scenarios 1 and 2 then I suspect your marriage may be in just as big trouble as OP's.

Sounds like a awful man. Regardless if they are his kids or not it’s not ok to do that.

I don't know what it is about the father's rights lot on here. I'm disgusted by some of the replies.

Nobody should take a baby and a toddler away from their main caregiver - (be it Mum OR Dad) - without telling them? That's utterly despicable. No caring parent would do that.

He must have known OP would be fretting - he did it to frighten her.

It can be difficult to assess and diagnose autism before 2yo definitely, but the children who prevent severely are usually diagnosed far more quickly.

In my DS case, he has been stimming since before he was a year old. He was very developmentally delayed in all areas other than walking, however he will only walk on his toes.

By 15 months he was head banging constantly, we have a foam helmet for when he's having particularly bad days.

He has absolutely zero interest in other children and has never tried to interact with his sister bar touching her feet maybe a handful of times.

He has no imaginative play capability, no interactive play, no understanding of language, he hand flaps continually, he has shown no signs of learning to speak, he can't say mum or dad. He can't clap or wave. He squeals and hums continuously and has multiple meltdowns every day where he will try to harm himself. He is severely autistic.

Sorry if I sound touchy. It is a sensitive subject. I find myself justifying his condition on a regular basis to people who have not met him.

He’s done this deliberately to annoy and upset you. Shows he has a childish side. However is their any chance he could be struggling too with what happened to you? Majority of men are ignored and forgotten about with major trauma to female partners in childbirth.

He's being called abusive because he sneaked them out of the house unexpectedly and refused to communicate where they were or when they would be home.

did you read the OPs posts?!?

So next time I argue with Dh and take my kids with me if I leave the house makes me abusive, put my kids at risks? Bollocks, the advice that always come up on threads about (petty) arguments (again, not talking about women and children being abused or in danger) is to leave the house and let your DH stew for a few hours.

But, crucially, the advice is not to sneak about the house like a fucking pantomime thief and whisk the kids away without a fucking note.

If, as a poster, you really have trouble telling the difference between scenarios 1 and 2 then I suspect your marriage may be in just as big trouble as OP's.

meanwhile, back in the real world, people make last minute decision depending on their mood, weather, time they wake up and go on unplanned outings without waking their partners up and having to give them a strict schedule of their day. That would be abusive!

Back in the real world, people argue, and go out to cool off which is healthier and better for everybody instead of repeating the same argument. Leaving the other partner to take care of the kids whilst you take your day is what is shitty.

FrauHaribo no I'm not the problem.

You are completely ignoring context to hammer your agenda.

But, crucially, the advice is not to sneak about the house like a fucking pantomime thief and whisk the kids away without a fucking note.

Some of us are grown-up, and don't need to leave an explanatory note when they leave the house and justify all their outings. The opposite is really not normal, do you have to explain yourself about everything you do? Wow.

Frau

I only posted after I knew the dh was back, so not trying to scare OP.
There are no little drama's, sorry to disappoint you.
With posters like yourself minimising the dh behaviour, even when the OP said it was unusual for him are showing a lack of knowledge about annihilators, the common name for men that do this.
I would rather post facts such as these than turn it into a gender issue, which it clearly wasn't.

I'm sorry you had to explain all that, @Amouse1

Sometimes people should just take things at face value.

I hope things calm down soon so you can have a proper conversation. To me, it was clear that him taking the children was done to upset you. Normal circumstances would have meant he would have let you know.