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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

299 replies

Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:01

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 25/09/2019 17:42

This is a massive , waving red flag for an abusive partner . Of course these children are very dependant on their mother, one of them is a very young baby, just an infant, and the other an older baby, barely a toddler.
To deliberately use these babies as a tool to frighten and punish their mother is horrible. It is not the action of a loving husband and father.
This combined with the job loss, aggression at work, is genuinely concerning.

Iggly · 25/09/2019 17:43

You don't sneak out of the house. You say “I’m going out and taking the kids*

So stop with the apologists for the OP’s dickhead partner.

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 17:44

MaxNormal
nope, no agenda. Just keeping a note of that thread because feminists pretend people believing outdated shit are a fragment of imagination.
This thread is golden.

It's very sad though.

CarolDanvers · 25/09/2019 17:44

He's done this to punish and frighten the OP. This is abusive behaviour. My ex H used to do similar.

If you can't see this then luckily you've never been an abusive relationship or you're a bit dim.

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 17:45

You don't sneak out of the house. You say “I’m going out and taking the kids*

yes, you wake up your partner to tell him that, how nice of you. Then you have a thread starting about an asshole husband who made a point of waking you up and not allowing you a lay-in....

BarbaraStrozzi · 25/09/2019 17:46

Iggly - quite. No normal, decent person would bigger off without saying anything or leaving a note. It's just beyond weird that some people think it's okay.

GummyGoddess · 25/09/2019 17:46

He lost his job for being a knob, then refused another despite the risk of his children being homeless.

Sorry, there isn't equality between parents until children are older. It is psychologically healthy and expected for the child to have a primary caregiver who they are more attached to while they are small. Equality can't beat biology.

ArnoldBee · 25/09/2019 17:46

You both clearly need help and support by professionals and you need it now. I understand you want to string him at the moment but you need to step back and see if there is something underlying that led him to lose his job. As others have said he may his own mental health issues so certainly in the short term stop playing the blame game and work out with support where you go from here.

zebrasdontwearbras · 25/09/2019 17:46

meanwhile, back in the real world, people make last minute decision depending on their mood, weather, time they wake up and go on unplanned outings without waking their partners up

That is not what happened - this was not a "oh I'll just pop to the park with the kids on a whim...ah she looks so peaceful, I won't wake her" scenario.

This was nasty. This was a row - a big row where a split was mentioned. He then disappeared with the baby and toddler, and wouldn't answer his phone for hours. I would have been going out of my mind with worry, and I certainly wouldn't disappear with the kids without telling DH I was going out. It's basic parenting and courtesy.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:50

He could have sent a text, which is what he would usually do if he was leaving early to go somewhere last minute, or had something come up whilst he was out which meant he was going to be late. It's just what he does, keeps me in the loop, generally.

Failing that, he could have answered the phone or responded to my subsequent text a bit sooner than two hours later.

FWIW, I didn't badger him the minute I woke up and noticed they had gone. I waited at least two hours myself before contacting him to see where they'd gone. I didn't catastrophise immediately, my first thought was he had popped to the shops or something.

OP posts:
zebrasdontwearbras · 25/09/2019 17:50

Oh, and most feminists that I know would recognise this as abusive behaviour.

Taking a baby and toddler away from the person who is their main carer -regardless of the sex of that carer - without telling them, while they're asleep, is abusive.

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 17:53

Taking a baby and toddler away from the person who is their main carer -regardless of the sex of that carer - without telling them, while they're asleep, is abusive.

are you for real?
Not being allowed to take your kids out with you without asking for permission from your partner, THAT is abusive!

Bowerbird5 · 25/09/2019 17:54

He did it too frighten and annoy you and to show you he could. Not nice.
They were probably harder work than he imagined so he might not repeat it.Glad he is back. I would try not to mention it too much and let him know it got to you.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/09/2019 17:54

Agree with CarolDanvers and zebrasdontwearbras

frazzledasarock · 25/09/2019 17:56

Where did I say anyone has to ask permission?

You’re making it quite a mission to make out it’s normal for a parent to quietly remove young children from their main careers following an argument. Your poor partner.

zebrasdontwearbras · 25/09/2019 17:58

She's the main carer - ideally neither parent should take the dc out of the house, without telling the other, and go incommunicado for hours - that's just inconsiderate.

But to take them like that, a baby and autistic toddler, away from the main carer, after a massive row, is sneaky and nasty, and very deliberately punishing the OP. Definitely an abusive thing to do.

pallisers · 25/09/2019 17:59

Some of us are grown-up, and don't need to leave an explanatory note when they leave the house and justify all their outings. The opposite is really not normal, do you have to explain yourself about everything you do? Wow.

And some of us have consideration for the people with whom we live. I cannot imagine waking up the day after a blazing row where separation was talked of to find my husband, my toddler, and my baby gone with no idea of where they are or when they are back and saying "oh we are all grownups here, no explanation necessary". Nor would I do it to him. Some of you must be fairly lacking in empathy if you think that is an ok way to behave to someone.

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/09/2019 18:00

He may have taken the children to scare you but I don’t think that is necessarily the case from what you describe. It sounds more like he just didn’t want to speak to you really (and still doesn’t). I don’t think being scared he won’t be returning the children is a particularly rational conclusion or fear just because you had a blazing row and mentioned splitting up the night before.

It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation as a family. With all the focus on your health conditions is it possible that the stress he has been under has been overlooked a bit? Getting sacked, even when it’s your own fault, is a huge shock to most people. And stressful home lives, like having a severely disabled child or seeing your partner nearly die can sometimes lead to people doing stupid things as coping mechanisms. I don’t want to make excuses for his behaviour, whatever he did to get sacked, it sounds like it was a choice he shouldn’t have made, burying his head int he sand about the need for financial security isn’t doing him or his family any favours and shouting, stomping off and not communicating properly for the day isn’t going to make anything work out well. But if you want to move forward in a way that isn’t basically guaranteed to end in divorce you both need a bit of compassion for each other and the ability to put the past behind you in order to find a way that supports your whole family.

Dyrne · 25/09/2019 18:00

FrauHaribo So you are genuinely saying that in your household, it’s normal for you to disappear out for the day before your husband wakes up; and then to not respond to any messages from your other half at all all day?

“Hey, thanks for the lie in! Where have you guys got to?” No response to that?

“Hey just wondering if you’ve had breakfast, because otherwise i’m making myself a bacon sandwich with shameful amounts of HP sauce”. Still no response?

“Hey, getting a bit worried now, everything OK? Are you coming back for lunch? Has DC taken their bottles OK?” Ignoring that one too?

“Hey, i’m really concerned now, I assumed you’d Just popped out but it’s been hours and i’m worried somethings happened. Can you least reassure me everything’s OK? Are the DC coping OK being out for so long?”

You’re honestly telling me it’d be COMPLETELY normal in your household to merrily ignore all those texts for hours?

5 months postpartum, especially after a difficult birth, it’s completely normal for a mum to feel uncomfortable being apart from their baby for too long. Let alone ALL day without any communication that they’re not lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Add in the extra complicating factors that the DH has decided to do this the day after a massive row, having never decided to do this before in his life, while deliberately ignoring and being vague with messages.

And yes, i’m a feminist. My branch of feminism can clearly recognise the difference between a loving involved father taking his children out for the day; and a thoughtless twunt using his children as ammunition against his wife.

BarbaraStrozzi · 25/09/2019 18:01

Ignore the person on a mission to minimise what you're feeling OP.

The important thing here is what happens next. Am I right in thinking your partner is just brushing this off and also still sulking with you about last night's row? And is this his usual response to rows, or is it more of a one off?

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 18:02

You’re making it quite a mission to make out it’s normal for a parent to quietly remove young children from their main careers following an argument. Your poor partner.

Hmm
Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 18:09

He's still brushing things off and in a mood about the row, yes. He is a poor communicator and won't revisit a subject or join in attempts from me to resolve it. If I try to broach the subject whatever it may be, to see if we can discuss it calmly, he sees it as me trying to carry on the argument and disengages.

His modus operandi is to sulk and be silent until I brush it under the carpet and change the subject to something breezy and light.

We don't finish arguments in here or resolve them, not my choice or doing.

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 25/09/2019 18:09

Ignore the daft people trying to minimise, OP. They seem to get off on upsetting people. Weird.

Mini2017 · 25/09/2019 18:11

@Amouse1
Don’t let anyone make you second guess your own feelings.
You live with DH, you know how he is. If to you, it’s unusual behaviour, then it just is!
Try to keep calm .
You seem to have a lot on.
You also said you have PND. Remember to take care of yourself.

Take care 😊

GabsAlot · 25/09/2019 18:12

Frau its you not reading proerply-they had a row and were talking about splitting up because he refuses to find work

The next day he wakes the kids up disappears with them and doesnt tell herwher ehes gone

comes back and says he done it in purpose

Got it now