Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

299 replies

Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 16:01

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Anothernotherone · 25/09/2019 17:01

FrauHaribo in this case it was out of character behaviour.

The father doesn't usually take the children out for long alone, and the two parents have always kept each other updated on what they are doing and where they are if with the children.

His behaviour was out of character - out of character behaviour immediately following on from a big argument and discussion of splitting up, when this involves taking two very small children (a very young toddler and an infant) away without warning, is of course going to be extremely worrying to the parent who is normally the main carer.

Anyone claiming it's weird to be worried in this context is being deliberately obtuse or gaslighting.

KiaraN83 · 25/09/2019 17:02

I think it’s unacceptable either way around (mum taking kids and leaving dad wondering where they are) it’s controlling behaviour and it’s basically using the kids as a weapon

123bananas · 25/09/2019 17:05

Was your DP this volatile previously OP? I only mention this because men can also suffer with PTSD after a traumatic birth and it could be that he is not coping mentally either with what happened. That does not excuse his behaviour though by any means. Glad your children are home safe. Can he go and stay somewhere else or do you have anywhere you can go with the children to stay to get away while things calm down?

PingDing · 25/09/2019 17:05

It sounds to me like the DH is sick to death of the OP, and his life in general, and maybe just wanted to forget about her and all his troubles and spend the day with the one and only thing in his life that brings him any joy at the moment. His kids.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:05

Yes all 20 month old toddlers are dependent on their primary caregiver, however my DS especially so because of the severity of his condition plus the fact he has separation anxiety, with me.

In usual circumstances I would encourage him to spend days out with them, even today had he bothered to let me know first, I would not object to him spending quality time with the children.

The problem is I've woken up this morning after a huge argument which wasn't resolved, to find my two very young children gone, with not so much as a text to say where he had taken them.

He pretty much admitted he made a point of not telling me. I asked him whether in hindsight he felt it would have been the kinder thing to do to let me know, he replied "Yeah probably" whilst still in his mood.

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 25/09/2019 17:06

I think I'd let the dust settle OP and not tackle anything tonight.

But he's given you a snapshot of what he is capable of.

I'd be seriously on my guard around him. What he did today was cruel.

Baguetteaboutit · 25/09/2019 17:06

How the fuck did he get a toddler and a baby out of the house without waking you up?

Did he take them straight from sleeping in their bed? I mean, that takes some thinking ahead to get all of their kit together and then get them out without waking you. Is he capable of that degree of premeditated
fucking with your head?

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 17:07

Frau

Two of them I only read about, the other one I knew him from school. Fancied him at the time (school)
Lovely lad, nice family. Apparently, he just snapped after an argument, the authorities didn't believe it was premeditated.
Obviously, the whole little town was in shock.
I only know what I read but like a pp been lead to believe that having their security threatened can make some men behave appallingly including suicide and murdering their children.

I'm not suggesting we should all jump to this conclusion everytime a man takes his children out, obviously. But as the OP said this was unusual for him and the fact they'd had a row, does put their situation in the same category.

From what the OP says it sounds to me like he did it to scare the OP.

I'm sure you don't want to read the case but you'd find it if you google.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:07

I haven't diagnosed my son as anything, health professions have Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:13

Yes completely out of character, It has never happened before. If it was a regular occurrence I wouldn't have batted an eye. The one, singular time I wake up and find the kids gone is after a blazing row during which splitting up was thrown in.

Maybe he is sick of me, for whatever reason, but to use the children to worry me is wrong.

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 17:15

Anothernotherone
or maybe it's just people having a different opinion?

I honestly would be a lot more pissed off with DH if he was giving himself a day off after an argument and leaving me with the kids!

The father doesn't usually take the kids. At their age, it's about time he starts doing so!

Bouffalant · 25/09/2019 17:15

It was a power play.

He did it to scare you and hurt you, and to show you he's capable of this.

OllyBJolly · 25/09/2019 17:16

Sounds a fraught situation all around.

DH - just lost his job and was sole earner, living with someone with anxiety and PTSD, young children

OP- traumatic birth recovery, young children, financial insecurity, MH issues.

I wouldn't be so quick to apportion blame -maybe the DH just needed some space. Maybe he felt OP needed a day on her own. He knows she has MH issues. Maybe he wanted out to stop any more arguing - he lost his job and OP was giving him abuse for it.

I am a bit Confused about an autism diagnosis at 20 months - the diagnostic process takes some time so that does seem worryingly early. More reason to try to make the home situation less stressful.

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:19

He knew what he was doing and was still in a foul mood when he returned. He hasn't taken the day to unwind and clear his thoughts he's done it to put me on edge as evidenced by the fact he was still in the same mood as last night when he arrived back this afternoon.

He now tells me he bumped into an old colleague who was also out with his children and they went to the park together, then he went to the bank and then for a walk. I wouldn't have had an issue with any of that had he bothered to let me know he was taking them out in the first place.

Waking up to find your young children gone is frightening when it has never happened before.

I wish he would take them out for the day more often, so it's not about control on my part. I do expect to know when our children are going to be AWOL all day though.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 25/09/2019 17:19

Yes , it is not black and white. The main thing is they are home now .

Hopefully @Amouse1 and her partner can sort things out .

Drabarni · 25/09/2019 17:19

Frau

Not sure how reliable this is but here is a link of a study
www.wired.co.uk/article/family-killers

OP, I'd have been worried sick under those circumstances, too. Thanks

zebrasdontwearbras · 25/09/2019 17:20

Neither me, nor my DH, would ever take the kids anywhere, without telling the other. Especially after an argument! It's a simple courtesy.

I'd have been worried sick, too, OP. Yanbu.

I echo the pp's who have said this is tantamount to a 'threat' to you - probably because he's been a dick losing his job. He's showing you he can take the kids away, and punishing you for talking about splitting up.

Oodlesandpoodles · 25/09/2019 17:21

I’m sorry OP, it seems that the dads r u force are out!

Leave him!

If he doesn’t want to work, and the house is in your name then I’d look to divorcing him

Original poster
Amouse1 · 25/09/2019 17:22

Autism runs in our family, our health visitor raised concerns at his developmental review. He was referred to a children's paediatrican. He has SALT and attends a special needs playgroup. I'm not fabricating his autism, fgs.

Yes 20 months is young, but not uncommon in the group's I'm part of.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 25/09/2019 17:22

Don’t let people make you doubt yourself. He’s behaving like a cunt (and I don’t use that word lightly).

If I were you I’d be working out how to get a place in my name and finishing with him. You and the kids deserve better than him 🌷

CarWreck · 25/09/2019 17:23

I wrote a question about a diagnosis at 20 months because I have a similar age child and was always told it was very difficult to assess with any certainty before 2. I didn't post it in case it seemed insensitive but I am wondering!

WonderWomansSpin · 25/09/2019 17:23

If you can't trust him to keep in contact when he disappears for hours with the DCs and you don't wake up when he dresses two DCs and leaves the house then I think you need to consider sleeping in with the DCs or closer to their room.
He's shown he's immature and untrustworthy.

CarWreck · 25/09/2019 17:24

Sorry cross-posted with OP

AriadneThread · 25/09/2019 17:24

I'm currently maternity leave and have been diagnosed with PTSD after almost losing my life having DC2, five months ago. My physical and mental health is shit. We was rumbling along ok until he decided to start shouting and swearing at work

So sorry to hear this OP. How absolutely terrible, and yanbu about today's events.

FrauHaribo · 25/09/2019 17:24

Drabarni
read the OP and read about tragic cases involving the mother. Honestly, going for the worst scenario is not helping.

Swipe left for the next trending thread