Big row last night, I wake up and he's taken the kids and been gone all day. AIBU

[Amouse1]

I had a row with my partner last night during which splitting up was mentioned, I wake up this morning to find him and our DC gone (20 months and 5 months)

Our 20 month old is autistic and doesn't like to be away from me for extended periods of time.

He has been gone all day, claiming to have taken them to the park (though it has been chucking it down with rain constantly) and it has now passed DS's tea time. It is unusual for him to take them out alone, let alone all day.

AIBU to think you don't just disappear with the children after a huge row without letting the other parent know and AIBU to feel as though he has deliberately tried to unnerve me. He knows I have an anxiety disorder.

He has been in touch via text saying he'll be back soon but that was 2 hours ago.

AIBU or is he?

In what way rocky? Has it been since the birth or before?

I am wondering if he isn’t coping either and he deliberately sabotaged his job and is sabotaging the relationship.

YANBU - 2 very young children out all day without letting you know what's happening. That sounds like a deliberate attempt to punish you and I would be very wary of a Father who would use his dc in that way.

I also am surprised at the comments. In this case he was clearly trying to upset you. And using his kids as a weapon.

Not many men would take an autistic toddler and a 5 month old out for a nice day out by themselves

and posters complain the lack of equality, but we still read statements like this, it's beyond stupid.

Frau

Did you read my post, I know of 3 cases myself.
I'm sure those mothers would appreciate you thinking their sadness is akin to a soap opera and not real, and of course they should just get a grip.
You should be ashamed.
The case I was closest to, he drove his car to a country road in Wales, put the exhaust fumes into the car, made the kids call their mum to say goodbye and killed them all.
Believe it or not I knew him from school, nice lad, from nice family.

He’s an abusive fucker.

Like crap would any partner after an argument remove the children from the main carer for an entire day without informing them of his/her intention beforehand, & the partner left at home would be fine with it.

I’ve got an eight month old, DP would not remove her from my care without any notice especially not if we both had an argument. Because that would be calculated to cause me anxiety and hurt me.

Wtf is wrong with this site recently.

OP your ‘D’P is a wanker, he is abusive, his actions were calculated to cause you anxiety and fear.

He doesn’t sound like a nice person anyway if he’s such a twat at work that he gets himself fired.

Tell your family and friends what he did and leave him.

I wouldn’t disappear with my baby and toddler after a row with DP & wouldn’t expect him to either. It’s fine partners taking kids out, it’s not fine when one parent deliberately removes their child from the family secretly in order to frighten and control the other parent. Male or female.

Drabarni
you know 3 cases of children killed by their father?!?!

@FrauHaribo
This is my opinion. I’m not some Mumsnet collective, who you can roll your eyes and declare double standards. Where in my post did i state that this comment only applies to someone with a penis?

I'm also gobsmacked by the replies.

The youngest is 5 months, FFS.

Of course you'd be scared shitless about your partner doing this after a row, and of course he's doing this as a "punishment" (Sheesh, what sort of relationships do some of the posters on here have that they think this is in any way normal or excusable behaviour on his part?)

Yes, this is controlling and abusive behaviour.

Of course he is, many mothers would be climbing the walls being separated from their 5 month olds for so long. Being the father doesn't mean that basic biology stops functioning and the mother is fine with being away from them so long.

I'm sure there will be posts about how people left their baby for a week and didn't care, but that isn't my or any friends experience.

Mummyoflittledragon
not you specially, but the majority of posters seem to find acceptable to believe that kids belong to their mother...
and then moan that the patriarchy and wife works and men don't get involved enough...

when I read this kind of threads, I despair.

On so many threads, the advice to a woman having an argument with husband (coming home drunk, being late, nothing abusive) is to take the kids and go away for a day or more!

No one on here can possibly know what is or was going on in the DP 's head .
There are so many possibilities. Not everyone thinks the same way all the time or the same as another person .

Fgs. The OP's husband never normally takes them out on his own, and the one time he does so is after a huge row. It doesn't take a genius to see that he's doing it to unnerve her. People are being deliberately obtuse.

This would really freak me out and although it depends on your relationship I’m surprised by the people saying it’s fine if he’s spending time with his kids. To not tell you he’s taking them and be out all day with two small kids when it’s out of character for him to do so is a sign if the worst manipulation. What a bastard.

I mentioned DS having autism because he's very dependent on me personally.

Most 20 month old children are dependent on their primary caregiver. Doesn’t mean they are autistic!

He’s an absolute prick and is doing this to manipulate and punish you

YANBU. I hope he brings them back soon, to put your mind at ease.

I laughed at the poster saying they’re “her children”. No. They’re THEIR children.

Typical MN overdramatising everything. She knew where they were with him.

Also, mothers have killed their children too, for the poster who said fathers can kill their kids. There was one case very recent where the mother killed her twins.

This is one of those threads where posters treat children like the possession of the mother. They aren't

OP Im glad everyone is back safe and sound. Time for a frank talk? It sounds like you've both had a shocking couple of months, what you've been through and it's no picnic being a carer/bystander when your loved on is hurting.

So you’ve self diagnosed your 20 month old as being autistic?

@FrauHaribo I'd normally be right with you on the double standards. But this parent took the kids before his partner was even awake, refused to answer his phone and refused to answer texts. She had no idea where they were, why he'd taken them, or when, if ever he'd be back, until well into mid-afternoon.

That's not acceptable from either a father or a mother. This isn't a gender thing, it's a control and fear thing.

I think this thread should be moved to the feminist board, it's a classic.

Of course he was doing it to scare her.

1. It was after a row when they were talking of splitting up
2. He said he was going to the park-in the pouring rain. I wouldn't take my dog to the park in the rain, let alone two small kids.

If he'd woken her and apologised for the row, and said ''i'm taking the kids to the swimming pool/cinema/soft play/my mum's/other appropriate wet day activity...fine. She wouldn't have to be worried.

I'm surprised at the lack of fuss!

Difference between parents killing their children is that the father generally does it for revenge, women don't. Like in suicides, women are less likely to do anything dramatic like hanging themselves and tend towards things that don't make as much mess like an overdose instead of hanging.

Anyway, will he have everything they need if he doesn't normally take them out? Enough milk, nappies etc?

saraclara
YABU to be pissed off? Possibly. I don't know how long it took DH to reply to his wife when she asked where they were.

YABU to accuse the DH of being abusive, putting the kids life at risk and so one? Well, yes, a little bit! I don't want to upset the OP, but really, this thread is bonkers and talking about children in danger is just outrageous.