AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

I don’t understand why people are staring at you. I’ve had 2 children and I’m not married, not once have I felt people staring at me or scrutinising me.

Are you sure you aren’t staring at people waiting for them to judge you and therefore people are staring back thinking “WTF is that woman staring at?”

As for your other problem, propose to him?

Nobody is staring at you because you’re not married.

You sound like you have anxiety to me.

Have you asked him to marry you? Or just discussed it?

It's an important decision for both of you, not something you can wait for his whims on.

@Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary

No, they are staring at me. It’s not all in my head.

I usually wear quite dark sunglasses and it is very very obvious.

@NoSauce

Anxiety would explain me thinking people were looking when they might not be - although it has been rather gratuitous on a number of occasions.

It doesn’t explain the comments of people enquiring as to my unmarried status.

I'm not trying to minimise your feelings, but are you sure people aren't just being polite and showing interest? I'm married but didn't change my name. My bump is huge and my hands have swollen so much I haven't been able to wear my rings for a few months. Despite living in a very "traditional" part of the UK I haven't felt any judgement or whatever when discussing my pregnancy even though it looks like I'm unmarried to the causal observer.

I think your concerns about money and lifestyle are really valid- if he can afford to go on holiday then he can afford to get a ring or trot down to the registry office so you can get married. The issue is for whatever reason it's just not a priority for him. It's easy to see how resentment can build then, as at the moment it feels like you're making all the sacrifices and incurring all the "risk" whilst he trundles on as normal. All you can do is try to have an honest conversation with him and see what sort of timescales he envisages these things happening at and decide whether that's acceptable to you or not.

You sound a little paranoid. We aren't married but I didn't notice anyone looking at my hand for a ring or staring in horror when I was pregnant. Even my very traditional grandmother didn't care in the end. And there are pregnant women everywhere so I'm not sure why anyone would be staring at you. I doubt anyone else is sufficiently interested in your pregnancy, tbh.

@meccacos2

They must be staring for another reason then because being pregnant and unmarried is not unique or shocking these days. Unless you live in the 1800s

Make sure the baby has your surname. Don’t like the sound of him and his behaviour at all

Well, nobody's staring at you because you're unmarried, honestly. Nobody cares.

BUT you are definitely not unreasonable to feel vulnerable, because unless you are better off financially than your DP, you are vulnerable. Fgs keep your finances separate and don't be tempted to leave your job.

Aside from the staring thing, did you discuss finances prior to getting pregnant? Have you put stuff in place to protect yourself financially? Have you discussed finances on maternity leave and what you'll do when it's time to go back to work?

If you can’t soeak to him about this or ask him to marry you yourself then I don’t honestly have great hope for your future happiness. Your future security being the underpinning of your (anyone’s!) ability to be happy. It sounds like you’re passively pregnant, passively waiting for a ring and sleepwalking into the most potentially dangerous situation for your future.

If you want the security of getting married then talk to him. Say you want to have a civil ceremony in a registry office before the baby is born and then have a party and celebration once you are over the birth etc. If he won't then you know that he isn't that committed to you and know not to give up work etc. Make sure that all income is shared equally between you both whilst you are off on mat leave and the same when you return to work with childcare costs.

@Peony99

Have you asked him to marry you? Or just discussed it?

He brought it up a few times

1. When we were out he said he was worried I would want a big wedding and this concerned him as he didn’t - I told him I didn’t want a big wedding I would be happy to elope.

1. In bed this weekend “I want to keep you forever” & “the reason I haven’t asked is because I don’t have a ring” & “I thought you didn’t want to do it as you look now”.

He’s bringing it up. He’s making it a thing. Other people are making it a thing.

I just feel really rejected.

Tell him what you want OP. If you’re afraid of his reaction that’s a very bad sign. You don’t have the luxury of waiting around for him to do what you want now that there’s a child involved.

The ring is not important at this stage. If you want to be married to this man, you need to talk to him and say that you do. Proposals are fripperies - they really don't matter. If being married does matter to you, now is the time to say so.

What's your financial setup? Why can he afford going on holiday if you're dreading maternity leave, will he not share his earnings? This will matter for your unborn baby, so it's time to be brutally honest with yourself about whether your finances are fair or not, and how it will work after the baby gets there.

Thank you @TheCraicDealer

It isn’t money that’s a concern.

Many times I’ve told him I’m concerned about financial issues of raising a child and he said I shouldn’t be because he has money.

He’s received a raise and a bonus.

I don’t want to go on holidays with him, I hate flying, I’m constantly sick.

He knows I feel vulnerable and I think he’s ignoring me because he really just doesn’t want to.

I’m getting so resentful, I don’t think I want to even be with him any more.

I know he isn’t over his ex wife and this baby wasn’t planned. I feel like I should just be grateful he is letting me live with him.

I'm not sure why people would stare at you because of this, I am married and wear rings etc but have never noticed anyone actively looking for them (heavily pregnant now).
Some people assume that baby on the way means engagement and marriage to follow so I guess that's why people ask. Tbh I think it's very rude and one of those questions that you shouldn't really ask anyone.

I think you seem quite paranoid and anxious to be honest. That doesn't mean you can't feel how you feel, but this is Britain in 2019 where it's entirely normal to have children out of marriage so I doubt that's what they're thinking.

If you want to get married then you need to sit down and talk about getting married (Vs a wedding). Until then you must look after yourself financially and not be persuaded into part time or SAHP without the protection marriage offers.

Sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sure some of it's in your head. Being unmarried with children isn't the big deal it once was.
Don't give baby his surname though if he won't marry you. Never understand why women do that.

@Youseethethingis

I said he could have his surname because initially he didn’t even want the child.

Now he wants the child, he is very excited about him and very clucky. I’m not clucky at all. I’m concerned about my future. I don’t know how I am going to pay my expenses while I’m off work and I just feel really vulnerable. Perhaps it is my insecurities thinking people are staring.

His money situation is not the issue. Yours is if you aren’t married.

If people ARE staring at you/your ring finger then let them, who gives a monkeys! I have many friends who don’t wear rings but are married because it’s their choice.

I think there is more to this than feeling judged for being unmarried. If you want him to help you feel less vulnerable, then you have to communicate whatever is the issue, expecting him to know what you want him to do won’t help now or when the baby arrives.

Don’t go on holiday if you don’t want to, but perhaps go for a weekend together somewhere? The coast, or a city break on the UK?

I think you ultimately have to think about whether you feel anxious/unsettled because there’s a big change going on and it’s new and challenging, or because your DP is a unsupportive knob who is dismissing you and who you need more from.

People do tend to look at pregnant women... but it’s just a ooh, look, pregnant thing, the looking for a ring is I think just your interpretation because it’s bothering you.

You need to talk to your DP, properly - a real conversation about what you want and how you feel, not leaving it vague and unfinished and not waiting for a proposal, just sort it out.

48% of babies are born out of wedlock according to ONS. I really dont think strangers on the street care or even notice that you're not married.

I'd you care then have an adult conversation with your partner. No need for hints, just say "now we are having a baby I would really like to get married. How would you feel about setting a date for next Summer?" And take it from there.

I dont understand all this coyness about asking or talking about getting married. A lot of people claim that they're "traditional" and want a proper proposal from their boyfriends. If they're so traditional they would be waiting until after marriage to start a family.