AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

Are you based in the UK? Have you proposed a break (if you want one) in the UK or somewhere closer by, and explained why? Now you’re saying he doesn’t want to commit to you - have you asked him? Seems like the enormous issue here is communication, which may or may not be masking a shit DP as well.

I’ve been married over 15 years and have never worn a wedding ring. Didn’t change my name or title either. Nobody has ever batted an eyelid, pregnant or not.

It’s 2019. If you want to get married, tell your BF that and arrange the wedding. Men proposing to women is steeped in hideous tradition that should long be dead. It’s a legal partnership, not a fairy story. You’re going to be parents. Grow up.

He sounds like a dick. Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I know you’re feeling rotten right now, and hope that passes soon. Secondly, I think you need to focus first and foremost on making sure that you - and the baby when it comes - are in as strong a position as you can be in terms of housing and financial security. Once that’s sorted, your relationship won’t be clouded by resentment and money worries, and if you want to be with one another then you’ll be able to do that. But please do make sure you focus on making sure you’re in a strong position first, because you ARE vulnerable. Really think about whether you actively want to be married to him. If the answer is yes, then ask him - and if he’s not keen then at least you know where you stand. If the answer is no (or if it’s yes but he procrastinates) - then make sure you give the baby your name (you could always change it to his later if you marry, but if you give the baby his name he can stop you from ever changing it). Prioritise yourself when it comes to maternity leave. You’ll be physically recovering from birth and you need him to support you, not use it as a chance to take a 4 month holiday. If you need new maternity clothes then ask him to contribute - tell him you’d rather have a couple of new clothes to make you feel comfortable WHILE YOU CARRY HIS CHILD than a trip to Australia. Talk about how you’ll share finances on maternity leave. If his suggestion is that you keep finances separate, then move out and make sure he pays maintenance - you’ll be better off (assuming you can find somewhere to rent for less money than he’d owe).

Although I’m married I recognise the feelings you’re describing. I think this worry/ anxiety is something that happens to some women when pregnant. I was almost Neurotic finding things to worry about. And I was sick as anything so it’s not like I needed more stress. I just felt so vulnerable. Chin up love, you won’t be pregnant forever x

@OrangeSlices998

I’m in Australia.

He doesn’t need to tell me why, I know why.

He still isn’t over his last relationship. He said as much only last night. It wasn’t in this context, rather he had suggested pasta I had never cooked before, turns out his ex-wife used to cook it. It was actually delicious! I asked if there was anything else she had cooked that he liked.... which led to him getting upset.

He isn’t over the relationship or her. Whilst we had discussed having a family (it wasn’t immediate both our parts); I think the shock was him recognising he wanted it with her all those years and it didn’t happen.

I think I need to accept that he isn’t that into me.

Something that I didn’t fully comprehend until now.

Why are you avoiding your family?

How long have you been with this guy?
I think you are insecure about your relationship rather than being an unmarried mother... in most relationships you just talk about finances. You need a new wardrobe and can’t afford but he could then he should be helping you pay for it. He needs to pay more bill when you’re on mat leave because your earning will be nothing.

Have you only been in the relationship a short time (sorry if I have missed it)

“I thought you didn’t want to do it as you look now”

Ugh, what an utterly horrible thing to say.

Sorry OP, but I think you’re in a very vulnerable position. I don’t know the laws in Australia but, if he wanted you out of his house after the baby arrives, what are the legalities?

How long has he been split from his wife? How long have you two been together?

What can you do about leaving?

@Ruminthebath

He hasn’t offered to contribute to the maternity clothes. I have asked him to pay for the medical expenses. This was something I straight out asked for as I’m still paying off medical debt from recent surgeries.

The obstetrician/hospital fees will be a lot higher than the clothes and I don’t want to be grabby.

I am lucky that my work wardrobe is adaptable (shirts, pencil skirts still fit me). Weekend wardrobe needed replacing... and everything maternity is so expensive.

When I looked at doing this myself (single mother) financially it was all too difficult.

Child support isn’t great - because we aren’t married I’m not entitled to anything additional. The pregnancy is recking my body and my employment prospects.

I have told him that I’m going to go back to work as soon as possible because it concerns me I’ll not be putting away any superannuation during that time and his response was “you won’t be earning anything during that time.”

I guess I have just been focusing on trying to get through this pregnancy with the least amount of stress. Him wanting to go away because his sister suggested it and him wanting the parental leave (and really pushing for it) makes me feel very funny. I don’t want a holiday. Flying makes me anxious and I can’t take anything.

I know I will be recovering during the leave, but he earns more than me so I feel I don’t have any choice with anything.

We haven’t bought anything at all for the baby and he suggested we get a baby monitor and I didn’t see the point. The house is tiny and the baby will always be with us. The discussion/argument ends with we are getting a baby monitor because he will pay for it.

I just think he win every disagreement because he earns more money.

Christ. He sounds awful.
For the love of god please leave him.
I'm afraid I have no idea about practicalities in Australia.
But there must be a way you can manage as a single parent. There must be.
Do you have family nearby?

@TheCatsACunt
I don’t know the laws in Australia but, if he wanted you out of his house after the baby arrives, what are the legalities?
The legalities are I would have to leave.

If he establishes himself as primary career (even if it’s just for 4 months) it means that he would likely get primary custody.

How long has he been split from his wife?
They broke up the end of 2017, all matters were settled by February 2019 (including the divorce finalised.

How long have you two been together?
12 months

What can you do about leaving?
I don’t have the financial resources to leave, I’ve been sick and went part-time at work. This was the worst time possible to conceive

The comments this week about kicking me out - I don’t understand how anyone could joke about that. I don’t think it’s funny at all and I’m visibly pregnant and will finish work in a couple of months. If I had to leave I don’t know where I would go.

I’m in the process of organising counselling. I just wish I had the financial resources so at least I had the option to leave.

@Passthecherrycoke

I appreciate that it could be pregnancy anxiety - but did your husband joke about kicking you out of the house?

It’s not the first time he’s made a comment like that.

I just don’t want to be around him.

He brought up marrying me this weekend only to say he wasn’t proposing... why even do that?

@AnotherEmma

But there must be a way you can manage as a single parent. There must be.
Do you have family nearby?

I can find a cheap one bedroom apartment and file for unemployment. I won’t be able to keep my cat and he would have more of a reason to file for custody.

Family is not an option. They are dysfunctional.

Your cat?
Seriously?

You can't even fly when you're over 24 weeks with most airlines, anyhow.

It doesn't sound like he really wants the baby and he certainly doesn't want to be married. You are going to have to accept it if you're not prepared to tell him you want to be married asap and that he might say no.

His money is nothing to you as you are not married. And whilst you say you cannot afford to leave, you can't afford to stay, either, because it's his house, he can kick you out whenever he wants, he's right about that.

I wouldn't be giving the baby his surname at all and do NOT quit your job or cut back your hours unless you want to become yet another MNer who finds she's been thrown out with nothing and is now facing life on Universal Credit and trying to find a landlord who will take it.

Ok, op, three things.

1. It sounds like you’re living in a relationship where you have nothing in common and it would have run its course and probably already broken up if you had not gotten pregnant. The travel is a perfect example - he wants to fly somewhere and explore, whereas you’re anxious about flying and have a condition that causes you pain when you move. And just about everything you mention between the two of you seems to be like this, complete opposites and not in a complementary way but in a way that makes you very unhappy. He doesn’t sound like a man that I’d be happy with, but obviously you were in the beginning. Only you can determine if you can communicate through all these differences, but you have to either start communicating or end it. Because it will end either way if you don’t start communicating (like talking about finances).

1. You do sound very anxious about everything. Pregnancy hormones are a very real thing. If you weren’t like this before pregnancy, talk to your GP. Not wanting a baby monitor and having an argument about it is odd. You say because the baby will be with you all the time. You’re allowed to be away from the baby for five minutes (or more!) and use a baby monitor. This just seems very odd to assume. Everything you mention seems to be a source of negativity and stress for you; absolutely nothing that you’ve mentioned is positive. It sounds like you’re upset and in pain, and that’s a very rough time, but you still need to try to enjoy something in your life.

1. This is just a tip. You mentioned many times being stressed about the cost of the maternity wardrobe. Do NOT be trying to buy things labeled maternity if you can help it - it’s like how for special events, if something is labeled “wedding” instead of just “special event,” they automatically charge much more. Same with the “maternity” label. Try to find things that fit without being maternity - size up and then use the string trick that half of maternity tops have anyway (add two loops, run a ribbon between them, tighten and loosen as needed as pregnancy progresses; like I said, half of maternity tops have these “built in”). Find regular tops that are flowy or stretchy and size up (Amazon is cheap and good for this; don’t use eBay which has very lying pictures - Amazon has reviews and often user photos). And if possible, try to buy a band to add to your existing pants for as long as possible.

Good luck. I’m sorry you’re under so much stress. Try to talk everything through calmly with your OH. If he’s still an arsehole at that point (and he might be), then I guess you know where you stand.

You aren't the poster who was living with family previously, OP, whose partner was being funny about paying for a private scan and whatnot, and wasn't up for giving her a key and access to his flat?

Even if not, he sounds ghastly. You are right: he doesn't want to marry you, and his attitude sucks. I would concentrate on working out a plan to get back to work ASAP and finding a way to make single motherhood work for you.

Maybe suggest going away to a wedding destination. Let him know you'll leave if this isn't what he wants. He's holding the cards at the moment. Take some back. Then when you have some financial security, think about what you really want.

In your previous thread about this absolute fucking pig of a man, you were given tonnes of advice. He hasn’t changed, you’re still concentrating on inconsequential things instead of the fact that this isn’t a proper relationship and you’ve pushed it to a level where it’s just torture for you. I’m sorry and I sound horrible, but nobody is going to be able to explain this to you because it was terrible from the beginning and you persisted in forcing a relationship with this waste of space.

IncognitaIgnorama
Yes it’s the same poster 😩

Been with dp almost 11 years. Still no ring. Do have 2 kids however. Get asked a lot since bil got married when we are as we were together first. My answer is always what makes you think I want to marry him if his not asked already.

theWaronPeace it sounded very similar, and then when OP said she's also in Oz... mind you, there are absolute princes everywhere, but something about the two posting styles reminded me of the earlier thread. OP - if it was you: he was ghastly then, he's ghastly now, he's not fundamentally going to change, even now you are definitely having the baby (privately still, I presume...). If it wasn't you in the earlier thread: this guy is horrendous, he doesn't care about your security, he doesn't want to marry you, and he doesn't give a shit about your insecurity. I'd think really carefully before putting his name on the BC (if that's an option in Australia) and make plans to get the fuck away - or accept that he'll get custody, and start making your peace with that. I know this sounds harsh - it is: you've tied yourself to some ghastly specimen of manhood for the next eighteen years minimum, so now you need to start fighting, no matter how rough you feel with this pregnancy,

Believe me, nobody stares at you for being unmarried or are checking your ring finger.

Go into work and tell them you'd like to increase your hours again if possible.

Don't ditch your job, whatever you do, and don't put him on the BC unless you have to.

Accept that you're going to have to do this alone and plan accordingly. You can get lots of practical advice here if you need it.

He is a selfish bastard I'm sorry. You are 7 months pregnant ffs. Of course you're not going to go to Australia. I wouldn't want to get on a plane full stop. You need to be at home. Babies also can come early.