AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

Ah sorry just read recent post.thought you were in UK

It's not all in your head, op. Some people seem to fixate on pregnant bellies. I'm 5 months but showing quite a lot and I've noticed a lot people (mainly older ladies!) suddenly craning their necks to look at me. They don't even look at my face so don't know I'm looking at them - eyes are straight to the belly! I thought I'd love it, but it makes me very, very uncomfortable and I just want to cover up.

He sounds like an ass

Custody? He's not going to get custody of the baby. You need to get your anxiety under control somehow. Is there anyone IRL you can talk honestly to?

Sorry but he sounds like a complete tool.
He's been horrible to you and causing you unnecessary stress.
Is there any chance he could get back with the ex wife do you think?

Wait. I remember you. He had no intention of a relationship with you. You threatened him with an abortion. Then you said, that if you had the baby and he left you, you would give it up. Then you insisted he pay for private maternity care. All the while this had been an up and down relationship where he had made every sign that he wasn’t interested in you. I have posted on your threads before under a different name.
And you have made a semi name change to.
The man isn’t remotely interested in you or your kid. He made that VERY clear. In your old threads you were told you have a clear choice: have an abortion if you want to, or be prepared to be a single mother. But you kept insisting on threatening him with an abortion or giving up your kid for adoption if he didn’t let you move in.
So clearly he let you move in (sort of). He clearly isn’t remotely committed to you. Literally nothing has changed since you were posting daily 3 months ago and everyone was offering you the same advice!

You also said at one point that if you couldn’t have private maternity care you would abort the baby. And there was a long thread about this and the state provision of maternity care in Australia. And then he agreed to either one private scan or something and you were convinced that this was almost a declaration of love. Whereas everyone pointed out that he was just doing whatever it took to keep you at arm’s length.

The overall advice then was:

• he doesn’t care and never has
• you need mental health support
• you need to be prepared to be a single mother. Having a baby is not going to magically make him love you.

Pretty much all of that advice seems to still apply.

Also last point when you got pregnant you had been in this relationship for a very short while and had already broken up and got back together multiple times. Literally everything we told you about this guy and your future with him still holds three months later.

I work with a women who thinks everyone is staring at her, it’s exhausting as they aren’t and she goes on about it’s lot. Mainly men, most man are looking at her, they aren’t.
I was with her and a gay friend of mine walked passed and smiled. But no it wasn’t me he fancied her...

No.

Like I don’t think people are staring because you aren’t married but pregnant... even if you don’t wear a ring you could be married.

Why do you have medical debt OP?
Why can't you use the public system to have your baby?

Has Australia changed its health care system?

It appears as though this is a path you chose knowing it wasn't going to end well. Getting pregnant was never going to change the situation you were in so it's time to focus on your baby.
No reason you can't live on your own, unless the welfare system has also changed?

I remember your other threads and this whole thing sounds like a mess.

I will address the points you've made here though - you sound like you have anxiety or some other issues that require counselling. You are not "getting fatter" you are pregnant. Your partner is using your insecurity about your appearance as an excuse not to get married, which is just exacerbating your negative feelings.

No one is staring about you because you don't have a ring on. Honestly. Besides the fact that a lot of pregnant women have to remove their rings due to their fingers swelling anyway. And unless you are very unusual looking I highly doubt that a 6 month pregnant woman is going to turn heads, it's not particularly rare.

Your real problem is that you're in a bad and unstable relationship, and if I were you I'd be preparing to live as a single mother and stop stressing about this man.

Tbh your boyfriend sounds a right loser, and not prepared to take in any responsibility in looking after you or your baby. Get shot of him. My advice to you would be:
Look after yourself and the precious cargo you carry. Being pregnant is a special special time in your life. Enjoy the next three months.
Give your baby your surname, and don’t put fathers’ name on the birth certificate. That way, although he won’t be legally bound to financially support you both, he won’t have rights to access your baby, and he doesn’t sound like someone who should be in charge of a baby/child.
Do you have family you can depend on, move in with? If so, let them know what had been going on and let them look after you.
Don’t go back to work straight away. Take nine months off at least. Your baby will need your warmth, love, protection, milk for a good long time. You are and will be their absolute everything. Cherish every moment.

I am married but have never worn a ring. During my 2 pregnancies I cannot remember anyone staring at me. People do glance at pregnant stomachs. People don't particulaly care about marital situations of mums nowadays. OP I think your anxiety at situation is making you feel self conscious.

You both need to talk about your expectations of your relationship from now on and maybe some timelines. If he has talked about marriage, it is perfectly reasonable to find out what sort of timescale this is in relation to arrival of your baby. And don't go on a holiday you can't afford just before your baby is due. Sounds like you need to make sure he is commited to you and the baby. YANBU

@IncognitaIgnorama

Yes, that was me - he has paid for the scans. The issue was the private hospital expenses - which he said he would cover.

@theWarOnPeace

I have a referral to a psychologist - I’m trying.

@Zebraaa

Thanks - that’s helpful AF

@BusyDoingNothingx

I constantly wondered about him getting back with the ex wife when she realised how difficult the dating pool was in this city.

It was like their marriage ended but there was no actual reason. In the last year everything went to shit and she didn’t want to do counselling.

@HuloBeraal

I didn’t threaten him with an abortion.

He wanted me to make the decision as to what happened next. I made it clear that it was his decision too.

He didn’t want to make any decision.

I also knew that he was about to become an uncle during this period and that all the feelings would come out - not about us, but him wanting to be a father, his ex wife not wanting to have children with him and then dealing with a new baby in the family in the midst of potentially aborting his own child.

There was a lot going on. And he is a good person. I don’t subscribe to the belief that everyone who doesn’t want/love me must be a massive asshole.

I told him we could wait and see if the child was healthy and then make the decision - together. Given my age, health issues and this being a first pregnancy there was a big chance the child wouldn’t grow to term.

My issue isn’t making him marry me - my issue is my own insecurities.

I know that many people were telling me to abort and during this time I was reading posts from people who regretted their abortions.

I’m not one to take an option because it is the easiest option for me to take at the time. I considered how I would feel in a years time and where I want to be.

I haven’t pressured him to marry me. I also said I wouldn’t do that. In the backdrop of his divorce and already his own feelings of rejection and inadequacy I haven’t given him any ultimatums.

He wants the child, he has made changes. He is trying.

He might not necessarily want me, which is perhaps where my anxiety is coming from.

@HuloBeraal

I recall you had quite strong views about private medical care. I never ever said I would abort if I couldn’t have the child in a private hospital.

The private hospital came up in the context of costs.

In this country, it’s normal to pay privately & also - I haven’t seen one midwife - it’s all private doctors: obstetricians, specialists, radiologists - not one midwife.

Also, it’s very easy to invalidate someone’s feelings by inferring they need mental health issues as including that as a dot point.

He is on a very high income but I do not know exactly how much he earns.

THAT is the big red flat.

My DH and I had children and then waited another 10 years before finally marrying...but I always knew what he earned and he knew what I earned and we shared all finances.

We waited so long because he's from one side of the world and I'm from another and we were worried about excluding one side of the families.

Eventually we decided bugger it and got married quietly in England.

@CJsGoldfish

Why do you have medical debt OP?

-because private surgery is expensive.
-private consultants are expensive.
-lab tests in a private hospital are expensive.

I have tried to get treatment as a public patient, I’ve even gone to public hospital in ambulances on several occasions. The system in Australia is broken.

I was scheduled for surgery on one occasion and it fell through because the radiology department took me for an unnecessary scan. I ended up walking down the road to a private hospital with a junior doctor.

Each admission to a public hospital was followed by instructions to see my GP to get a scan - a private scan which can cost anywhere from $300 to $600 a time.

Specialist appointments in the public system are basically a long wait list to nowhere. I’m still on a wait list after being referred at the start of the year for a condition I had been paying for privately.

This isn’t me being melodramatic, I don’t have family to borrow money from for these appointments and tests.

I have top private health insurance, which I’ve paid for since I was 18 years old.

I’ve gone through my savings and put the remainder on my credit card. Australia is becoming very much like America in respect to medical care.

Why can't you use the public system to have your baby?

I can, my friend lost her baby at the best public hospital in my State because the medical care was deficient.

This wasn’t an isolated case, the care in public hospitals is known to be sub-standard.

Has Australia changed its health care system?

The healthcare system hasn’t changed over night. Over time it had become Americanised:- private for-profit insurers have entered the market, private hospitals are putting up their fees, specialists are in short supply so they can put their fees up astronomically.

The Government can’t afford the cost of the public system. Every single occasion when I was admitted to a public hospital someone came in with a clip board asking if the hospital could recover costs of my treatment from my private medical fund.

There is a social welfare safety net. Which is insufficient to live off.

In short, I’m in a very vulnerable position - completely reliant on another person. I still work, but the economy isn’t great right now.

This isn’t me catastrophizing the situation, but rather a very real set of circumstances.

In hind sight, it would have been helpful to have more savings. I didn’t anticipate how sick I would get over a very short period of time. I’ve had multiple surgeries and needed to see multiple specialists. At the moment I’m in limbo because I can’t have anaesthesia because of the pregnancy so I have to wait until after the baby is born to do anything else.

To see a specialist, you book an appointment, take time off work (sometimes half a day to get there in traffic) and see them in their consulting rooms. One specialist was over $300 for an appointment. Which needs to be paid for then and there. The cost of the treatment (for this one condition) was $1,000 and a separate appointment.

Blood tests I had in hospital were $300 a time. And drugs I was given in hospital was billed to my home address.

There’s hospital fees, surgeons fees, anaesthetist fees.... then there is time off work recovering.

@LETW

I already said the baby can have his surname as he will likely be the only male child born to this family line.

It was important to him and I thought if I did that, then he would see this child as his own and want to look after us.

I didn’t say this because I thought he might marry me.

I did this so he would form an attachment to the child and take responsibility for him. It worked - but I don’t think it would put me in a good light to take that away from him closer to the birth.

Wouldn't want to do it 'as you are now' sounds like horrible phrasing, sounds like he needs to give you some reassurance about how you look. Being pregnant is a difficult time if you have any body image insecurities, does he compliment how you look in general? I'm heavily pregnant, not married and have a screaming toddler on my hip most of the time and don't notice people staring or give a fuck if they are.
Sounds like you need a serious chat about finances though and when you want to get married. You will be in a vulnerable spot financially on mat leave if you don't sort it out now.

You say he's trying to be better then describe him making "jokes" about kicking you out. Repeatedly.

Reading your last update I don't think you're ready to accept that he's abusing you. But he is.

That doesn't mean he's some kind of monster who's never uttered a kind words in his life. Quite the contrary.

Abuse is about power and control. That's why it's other name is "coercive control".

The "jokes" of kicking you out are about controlling you, pointing out people are staring is about controlling you, wanting his surname exerts power, the whole financial mess here exerts power and control over you, the paternity leave announcement, the holiday nonsense (your suggestion being too "expensive"), ....

This: brought up marrying me this weekend only to say he wasn’t proposing... why even do that?

Another way to control you and feel powerful.

He doesn't have to chain you in a basement or expressly forbid you from doing things to control you; he can trash your confidence and self esteem so you don't resist or feel able to leave, he can impoverish you, he can make you homeless or afraid of being homeless, he can use trauma bonding, he can use manipulation...

You can be imperfect yourself and still be being abused by somebody else.

You can access the Freedom Programme online from Australia: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Telling yourself that things will turn out as you wished or that reality is what you wish it would be won't change the reality. I think it's a natural human response to finding ourselves in an unexpectedly awful set of circumstances, but at some point if we want a chance of changing it we have to start facing up to it for what it really is. And what you describe does not match up with how you try to spin it to yourself.

Why would you be unemployed if you left him? I don't understand why leaving him would also mean quitting your job?

Just for the security can you just go to a registry office and get it done. No need to worry about things, family friends, clothes. You don't need a ring to be married. But that piece of paper will give you financial and emotional security