AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

Why do you think your boyfriend doesn't want you?

Ignore what I said. Just read updates about your previous posts. He isn't going to marry you op

OP you sound a bit nuts.

You have a "relationship" that you haven't been in long, doesn't sound committed. It sounds like the chap isn't into you at all, and to be frank you don't sound like you love him at all either. I won't question why you opted to keep the baby, thats a whole different question, but why do you want to stay with this guy? You are employed, & if he has a "Very high income" and yours is half of it, I doubt you are destitute.

Your posts come across as incredibly negative and I don't buy your views about the medical system in Oz, I've got family there including one who has a chronic condition and has also a serious acute illness and has had excellent treatment for both. Another relative had a baby there recently in the public system and was positive about it, another relative works in the public healthcare system.

What is your condition? Do the (public) doctors agree that it's as serious as you make out and that your need for treatment is as urgent as you feel? You sound very anxious and nervous and negative, and a couple of friends I have like that are also prone to hypochondria and a tendency to catastrophise about minor ailments.

Op, you both need to look at the relationship in isolation of the baby. To decide if it works or not. Gone are the days where people had to get married because they were expecting a child, irrelevant of how they felt about each other. Because simply it doesn't make for a happy home.

You'd only been together six months when you fell pregnant, before that you were having surgeries etc, so little time for a relationship to develop. Arguably a year in this context is not enough time to know if marriage is a good idea.

I think uou know deep down random strangers aren't staring at you because you're pregnant and unmarried, the thought alone is bizzare, being pregnant and unmarried is very common and not something out of the ordinary.

Much of your posts is about money. Your need for money. That he earns more than you and has it, and that you need it. There is nothing about love. About loving this man, wishing to create a family with him, spend the rest of your life with him. It's all about how you need money.

I'd think about your motivations here,on why you want to get married. No one wants to marry someone who is just in it for the financial benefit. Or where the financial benefit is their main driver.

Ultimately if two people get married it has to be right. Not about what's practical.

I wasn't married, none of my friends married before their first, around half of all babies are born to unmarried mothers. Unless you are 16 (and look it) I strongly doubt anyone is even noticing that you aren't wearing a ring. If you are very young then that might cause people to look I suppose

I was going to say this is all very odd but @NoIdontwatchloveisland has hit the nail on the head. The Op was all about being looked at because you’re not married. Now you’re saying you don’t want to marry him because he’s awful. You’re in medical debt yet have paid for brilliant insurance since 18. You desperately want to make this relationship work and feel important to him yet you argue with him about buying a baby monitor and won’t go on holiday with him. You sound like really hard work

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me. That is a red flag. It's not your partner's place to point out things that would make you feel unhappy or anxious.

Would being married give you more financial rights? You don't seem to be really in to this guy at the moment, and he seems to be treating you badly. I might consider the immoral route of insisting on marriage now that there's a baby on the way, using his paternity leave to go back to work and establish your financial position a bit better, then wait long enough to establish your position as primary carer, then leave.

I guess it depends what kind of circles you run in. I got pregnant before we were engaged, although he told me he would propose and we planned for it. He comes from a country where its very normal for women to have babies w out being married etc. He proposed when I was 5 or 6 months, but I never questioned or worried about it or when he would do it. I just knew he would eventually and it did not bother me. I think if it does bother you, perhaps mention it to him and have a honest conversation.

You sound very anxious in general OP
My fingers swelled up early in my pregnancy so I took my rings off, nobody looked at me and I doubt anyone is looking at you either
I think that you are worried because you are having a baby with a man who doesn’t want to marry you, and to be honest you probably should be. Marriage gives you legal protection.

I’m married but kept my own surname and sometimes don’t bother with my ring. I don’t think anyone has ever stared at me when pregnant or when pushing baby in the pram. Nobody looks at a pregnant woman’s ring finger and judges, you are being completely paranoid and anxious beyond all sense.

I think the only person judging you is yourself, stop being so hard on yourself. It’s 2019, not 1919. Nobody is judging you, nobody cares tbh. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own banal lives to give a fuck about you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s true.

The more I think about it, the more this seems like an unhealthy relationship. He's controlling you by imposing his will through his greater financial resources, and gaslighting you by encouraging you to think that people are disapproving of your your pregnancy. Whatever you decide to do, look after your own interests and don't worry about his - he'll be looking after his interests, so you don't need to worry.

I'm in Oz, and totally disagree about the picture you are painting of public healthcare here. I also remember your previous thread. This guy has no interest in marrying you, he also sounds like an utter prick. You need to make plans to bring up this baby on your won, or if you can't do that, consider adoption.

Oh and no-one is looking at you for being pregnant and unmarried, its not 1950 any more.

My wedding & engagement ring didn't fit after I was 6 months pregnant.

Absolutely no strangers are looking for a wedding ring, that's honestly ridiculous

The OP is Australia. There is absolutely no legal benefit to her being married to the baby's father in terms of financial security or benefits she's eligible for (despite what she's said upthread).

The tax office will consider her a spouse if they live together and although defacto rights generally kick in after two years of cohabitation that is not the case where the couple have a child.

Australian law is very different to UK law in this area.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a baby in the public health system here. It's certainly not broken.

What an utterly shitty thing to say Zebraaa
Regardless of whether the OP has made some regrettable decisions it doesn’t stop her from feeling scared and anxious.

If this is the way he behaved with his ex wife it’s no surprise that she left him. He is a manipulative, emotional and financial bully. He should be contributing to your maternity care expenses because it is his baby as well.

I am married and don’t wear a ring. I have never ever felt the stares and looks you describe.

The only person who has said anything is my mother who is worried her cronies will think i’m not married.

Fwiw in hindsight I am much more vulnerable financially married, and I wish I had stayed single. I own property, have a good salary etc. Dh earns well but had no house, no savings, assets etc. If we divorced I would lose half my house, savings, isa’s, possibly even pensions.

Marriage is only “security” if you are the less financially stable half of the marriage.

I had two babies in Melbourne, public system and they were amazing. Please don’t worry about that.

Also...everyone I knew had to remove rings by 5 or 6 months pregnant..wedding & engagement rings tend to be fitted snugly and rarely survive the puffy hands of pregnancy! No one is staring at you, you sound a bit neurotic.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I’m not a hypochondriac. Without going into details it is multiple conditions which impact 4 major organs. But I have had the hypochondria allegation before, especially when I look fine.

I’m glad you know of good experiences. Because I don’t know of good experiences in the public health system.

@Bluntness100

I agree with you 100%

The financial insecurity came up in the last week in the context of my family judging me for not being married.

I’m now not talking to them.

I do love him, I don’t like my feelings. I don’t like feeling so panicked over this thing as this is not who I am.

I just feel so vulnerable right now and it has come at a time when my family have made comments on my unmarried status.

I think the $ issue is because I’m intimidated that financially he is better off than me and it makes me feel bad and I’m worried he won’t need me once the baby is here.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I am going back to work as soon as I possibly can.

Honestly, OP, he doesn't want to look after you - if he did, he'd be doing it already, especially as you are clearly feeling very, very vulnerable (albeit with excellent reason): he's deliberately playing on your fears - hence mentioning not proposing etc

Just because this will be the only boy in the generation isn't going to change his feelings towards you. He could have alleviated all your worries months ago and is choosing no too. He may end up being an ok father, but he's not going to change into a decent man,and he's not going to change in his attitude to you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but that's the reality.

I’ve had to remove my only diamond ring because it was starting to fall off my finger.... not because I puffed up.

My feet swelled in the first trimester, now they are fine.

Thank you for telling me pregnant women get puffy at this stage. It’s making me feel better. And thank you for those of you who had kind things to say.

I know why I’m so anxious now and I know by putting it anonymously here, it prevents me from putting my crazy out there in the real world.

Although, I do have some things to discuss with the psych now.

You're misrepresenting the Oz system OP probably hoping no one will know better.
If you don't choose to have private cover you you'll be treated publicly. If you do have cover you can be treated as a private patient in a public hospital. They are always going to ask you if you want to do this because it is financially better for them. You can decline so not really the issue you make it.
Even choosing to go private you're not out of pocket that much depending on your cover and excess chosen. You say you have top cover so your out of pocket should be very low.
I'm sure if you decide to pay for a private consultant they are more likely to go ahead on a 'maybe' than a public one would. They are, after all, running a business with the aim to make $$. I have never known anyone with a serious illness to be denied the necessary treatment at a public hospital. There is simply no way anyone should incur high debts for necessary medical treatment.
I've had babies privately and publicly. Public may not have the luxuries you require but it's perfectly fine. For most of us anyway.

Oh, and the welfare system is definitely enough to live on. You obviously have higher aspirations and this baby is your way forward with that.

Good luck OP