AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

In terms of finances, have you talked about these, ie a joint account/keeping separate accounts but having a joint one for joint expenses (food shop/baby things/petrol etc)? If not, why not?

@SmallAndFarAway

What's your financial setup? Why can he afford going on holiday if you're dreading maternity leave, will he not share his earnings?

He is on a very high income but I do not know exactly how much he earns. I have family members who are in the same profession - so I know he is comfortable.

He seems very reticent to tell me his earnings.

I estimate that my income would be half of his.

I am planning to go back to work as soon as possible. And I’m keeping an open mind in respect to being a single mother.

For various reasons I couldn’t do this on my own.

He’s away a great deal of the time for work so I’m just in his empty house.

I have brought up how I’m feeling, the conversation just doesn’t go anywhere because he is shutting it down.

Now he wants to go on parental leave for four months as he can get paid his normal salary.

Which means I might have to go back to work sooner anyway.

I don’t want to go on holiday. The thought of it stresses me out. I hate travelling. I don’t know where to go. I don’t feel comfortable being the size I am and I don’t want to put my cat in a battery.

I find it hard to believe that people stare at your bump and then your finger tbh, OP. I'm getting the sense that you'd like to be married and are transferring your thoughts on to them!

Is it a stable relationship, you mention him not wanting the baby?

He wont tell you his earnings.
He has all sorts of reasons why you cant get engaged.
He didnt want the baby.
He makes you feel you should be grateful to be allowed to live in his house.
Doesnt sound like he respects you very much.

I don't understand why people are staring at you, I have never worn my wedding ring (eczema) I had a baby in 1981 and no one bothered

@BeanBag7

I dont understand all this coyness about asking or talking about getting married. A lot of people claim that they're "traditional" and want a proper proposal from their boyfriends. If they're so traditional they would be waiting until after marriage to start a family.

I got very sick 6 months ago. I had three separate surgeries and two admissions to emergency, once by ambulance.

Over the worst of my sickness we did not have sex at all.

I took the pill every day at the same time. This time it failed.

I only saw him when he was back in the city (he works away). I was so careful with the pill. It failed.

I didn’t want to abort.

@OrangeSlices998

In terms of finances, have you talked about these, ie a joint account/keeping separate accounts but having a joint one for joint expenses (food shop/baby things/petrol etc)? If not, why not?

It’s an awkward conversation that I have thus far avoided.

I figured I would just wait, go back to work as soon as I could and then move out. That is my worst case scenario.

I think the people staring at you is a red herring. There are bigger red flags:

• he didn’t want this baby.
• he’s jerking you around about this wedding
• you think he’s not over his ex wife
• there is an obvious financial disparity

It is not clear to me WHY you are vulnerable if the above factors weren’t hugely important. In stable loving relationships marriage may not be a big deal and adjustments are made to the loss of income during maternity leave. All these things require is a conversation. But this doesn’t sound like a stable loving relationship and the whole ‘people are staring at me’ which is most likely deeply untrue is a product of this stuff.

You live together. You have a baby. But instead of having a fairly basic financial conversation you are working out how to leave the relationship? That doesn’t make sense. If you are planning to leave the relationship then why would you want a proposal, a ring or to get married? And if you want a proposal, a ring and to get married surely you should be able to discuss basic daily finances?

I think you are projecting a little. I’m unmarried with no desire to be, I had one bad comment whilst pregnant about being unmarried.

This seems to be a boyfriend issue not a strangers staring at you because your not married... unless your in the Middle East or something?
I had people get into some strange conversations when I was pregnant, as well as people looking at the bump. But none of that was marriage related.

I kind of know what you mean OP. I am married but during pregnancy my fingers swelled and I had to remove my rings and I felt as if people looked at me differently.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Its more common for pregnant women to flaunt their bumps thesedays and celebrate them and not worry too much about the extra weight. You seem very concerned about your weight and seem, from your post, to worry that being pregnant has made you look unattractive. Is this due to comments from him about not wanting to get married "as you are now".. Some of your comments sound as if your self esteem has been affected by this relationship - ie being made to feel grateful you live in his house.
Please try not to worry that a natural weight gain in pregnancy makes you look bad... just buy yourself a few nice outfits that you feel comfortable and nice in. But more importantly than that, you need to think through what you want out of this relationship and try to get your DP to open up and discuss things with you properly. His desire for a 4 month paternity leave seems very odd under the circumstances and a bit more about him than you.
It sounds like you are worrying about going on an overseas beach holiday. If you really don't want to do that you must tell him. Is there a compromise here? A relaxing UK holiday at a nice spa or something that wouldn't make you feel sick.
Sorry that you are feeling so low. I think you need to get some RL support from your own family and friends or find a pregnancy expert to talk to. Best of luck x

@BeanBag7

Everything you said & this in particular:-

He makes you feel you should be grateful to be allowed to live in his house.

He has taken to making jokes about kicking me out. I’m huge already (I’m short which is why it’s so noticeable), but I’m so vulnerable - financially and because it hurts to move around.

I don’t understand how he could even think this is funny.

Only this weekend he made a joke about us having sex and by saying this is why he lets me live with him. I was shocked. It wasn’t even funny.

He’s made jokes before about kicking me out. On those occasions I’ve told him I didn’t think it was funny.

It doesn’t sound like he respects me at all.

I never thought I would be in this situation and it is terrifying.

You do sound incredibly paranoid and anxious OP Really - people are not staring at you any more than they would notice any other pregnant woman, married or not

I would discuss with DP re marriage if it is what you want. Set a date a year ahead - next summer maybe? You also need to discuss finances.

You will be a mother soon so you need to get adulting!!

Sorry you're in this situation. If you really don't think he respects you and you don't feel secure in the relationship and is making these sorts if jokes, you might be better off to cut your losses now.
It will be much harder to move out after the baby arrives when you will be (even more) emotionally and financially vulnerable. Start thinking about the possibility of raising the baby alone.

Ok - x post with "jokes" about kicking you out.

That's not OK.

It sounds like you have a major communication problem with him

Either he is a total dick and you only just noticed it, or you have vastly different senses of humour?

OP you need to stop and make a decision. Is he someone you wish to parent with and/or marry or not? If he isn’t, leave now and sort your own financial situation out. If he is, sit down and have the financial situation out. Talking about money is awkward, but for goodness sake you’re having a baby with him, it’s not unreasonable to look at combined household income and outgoings and make a plan for your maternity leave and beyond. You seem incredibly passive in your own life, do you wish to go back to work so soon? No? Then say so. He may wish to take longer time off, great, but that doesn’t mean he overrides you.

@HuloBeraal

In respect to preparing to leave - I haven’t made any preparations. I am cognisant of the red flags - him bringing up reasons not to propose, when I haven’t even raised it as a discussion topic says more about his state of mind than it does about mine.

I considered everything that he has said and resigned myself to possibly ending up doing this on my own.

I can’t afford to leave my job right now and will have to wait until after the baby is born.

@littleduckeggblue

I kind of know what you mean OP. I am married but during pregnancy my fingers swelled and I had to remove my rings and I felt as if people looked at me differently.

Thank you.

I don’t think I’m imagining it.

People didn’t even know I was in a relationship.

My pregnancy was announced at a board meeting and the board members were shocked.

Even after I had left one of the members asked if it was actually true.

How long have you lived with him, OP? Where were you living before?

I agree with pp’s who say the staring thing is a red herring. You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable being unmarried, not on the deeds etc, and his behaviour is not particularly suggesting that he is committed to you.

When I had my first, I was only 23. I was married but felt a lot of people were staring too to the point I purposefully played with my wedding rings. It was mainly the older generation I got looks off of. However I did look fairly young so looking back I put it down to them trying to guess my age more so than 'is she an unwed mother?'
Honestly, this relationship does not sound healthy. He knows he has a power over you and it sounds like he is using it to his advantage. He is undermining your feelings, he is using his money as status and he is playing on your vulnerability/fear. I personally think you should evaluate your relationship before your baby is born. Just the fact he points out that people are staring and fuelling your fear is ridiculous!

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

In respect to the holiday - I don’t want this - I never wanted this.

He said he will pay for anywhere I want to go. I hate flying, absolutely detest it. I’m pregnant and uncomfortable and I’m very sick (vomiting and diarrhoea type sick and I have extreme cramping).

He has made it clear he will pay for the trip, I just have to choose where and now he is shitty because I haven’t chosen anywhere.

I suggested one place and then he said it was expensive (he just didn’t want to go - it’s no more expensive than anywhere else).

Then he suggested Sydney which is the furthest distance to travel.

I don’t want to go there.

It seems a waste when I can’t drink, I have a restricted diet and there isn’t anything on for when he has leave booked.

Added to that, I need to heavily invest in my maternity wardrobe as I only have a few maternity outfits. I don’t want to sit on a plane for hours going to a destination I don’t want to basically placate someone who makes jokes about kicking me out of his house and who won’t marry me.

I’m just getting so resentful, everything seems to be about him. His holiday, his paternity leave.

So sorry Meccanos.. He sounds like a very inconsiderate person.. if you've said that you are ill and dont want to travel and he suggests Sidney Australia... and then that your suggestion is too expensive (how can it be less expensive than Australia?) .. it really does sound as though he is messing you about with this holiday suggestion - trying to create an argument.
You could probably end the argument by getting the facts from an airline that flies to Australia about how late in pregnancy you can do long distance flights. I think most airlines/insurance companies ask for a GPs letter saying you are well enough to travel after 28 weeks. It doesn't sound as if you are.
Someone who constantly jokes about kicking you out and prioritises his own paternity leave over yours - doesn't sound like he's putting you or the baby first.
Please try to find someone in real life to talk this through with and work out which of your various options would suit you and your new baby best. Good luck x

I think you are very unhappy because you probably assumed or hoped that being pregnant would trigger him wanting to show more of a commitment towards you and he hasn't and now you might be starting to question whether he would indeed still be with you if you were not pregnant.

The thing is, you wanted this baby so accident or not, you were happy with the outcome. It sounds like it is not something he particularly wanted, at least not at this time. How long have you been together?

Sadly, as much as you had control over whether to keep the baby or not, he had the control whether he ask you to marry him or not. It is something you need to accept and move on. If you are going to grow resentful because he isn't giving you what you want at this point, you are for sure going to kill your relationship.

Focus on your pregnancy and yourself as a couple. I expect he wants you to go on a holiday together so that you can have one last special time just the two of you as a couple. Are you sure you wouldn't enjoy a few days relaxing together in the sun, not having to do anything, and just talking about your future together and looking forward to baby coming into your life?

@swingofthings

Are you sure you wouldn't enjoy a few days relaxing together in the sun, not having to do anything, and just talking about your future together and looking forward to baby coming into your life?

I’m absolutely positive I would not enjoy this. He is only doing it because his sister said we should.

I’m in pain from the pregnancy. I have diarrhoea, vomiting and cramping. I also have a pain condition which is exacerbated by stress.

I’m exhausted. It won’t be relaxing because he will want to do things while we are away.

He wants to sit on a plane somewhere and then go exploring all over Sydney. I find it difficult to walk sometimes.

I’m working trying to finish everything before maternity leave and have too much on.

The stress of a flight, plus having to sort out a new wardrobe (which I’ll only be able to wear for a few months) is not something to look forward to.

This combined with him making jokes about kicking me out of his house is not endearing me to him.

He doesn’t want to commit to me. I can’t be bothered to go on holiday with him.

I especially don’t want to go traipsing around Sydney when I’m 7 months pregnant. When I’m not working and avoiding my family, I just want to sleep.