AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

I feel like you're back tracking from things you have said now that people have mentioned your previous posts..
You said he's 'joked' about kicking you out and only having you there for sex and that you feel vulnerable.. but now you're saying you're pretty freaking happy and he supports you in every way..
This is confusing

If I was emotionally stable I wouldn’t be posting to mumsnet. If you were emotionally stable you wouldn’t be replying.

Thus we have something in common 😉

Yeah, okay . So anyone who replies to post is emotionally unstable. Right. Your threads make for truly sad reading, quite frankly, that a child is being brought into this utter trainwreck.

If I was emotionally stable I wouldn’t be posting to mumsnet. If you were emotionally stable you wouldn’t be replying.

What a bizarre way to think. So every single person on mumsnet is emotionally unstable?

Gosh there are millions of us and we are the backbone of society if we were all emotionally unstable the county would collapse!

OP I totally understand your feelings. Being married before having a baby was important to me and my family. I’m a bit judgy about unmarried people who have babies so it’s not surprising that I hold myself to the same standards. I felt really awkward if I forgot to put my wedding ring on when I was pregnant.

Unfortunately it sounds like this man doesn’t want to marry you. He’s stepping up to take responsibility for his child but wouldn’t have picked you as the mother and doesn’t think pregnancy is a good enough reason to marry if he otherwise wouldn’t want to. Under the circumstances I wouldn’t want to be proposed to. Do you really want someone to marry you if he doesn’t love you or want to marry you?

If you feel that strangers are judging you then wear a ring on that finger (my divorced mother still wears a ring because she doesn’t want to be judged or asked questions). And start gearing up for single parenthood because this guy ain’t going to propose.

I feel sad for your child.
I find myself wondering what it will take for you to actually listen to what people are trying to tell you.
But based on what I've read on this thread (I didn't even come across the others) I don't think it's possible.
For your child's sake, I really really hope I'm wrong.

And I haven’t misrepresented the medical system in Australia
Yes, you really have.

Just look at the go fund me pages in Australia and see for yourself how many of them are for medical treatment
Do you mean treatment overseas when all else has failed here? Yes, there are a few. The pages are mostly for people who have suffered a catastrophic illness/event and need help with living costs etc while undergoing treatment, often in other states/cities. So, again, you're trying to advance your own narrative without facts.

You have absolutely no idea
I absolutely do.

A relative recently had a compound fracture of her arm, went to public hospital, was referred to another public hospital for surgery and had to wait for an appointment with the public hospital

She ended up paying privately for the surgery because the public hospital system is broken
Uh-huh.
Further, anyone who thinks you can survive on social welfare in Australia is clearly deluded. It is well known that Newstart isn’t even indexed correctly (indexed to interest rates not CPI or some such) which is why people are really struggling
You would be on parenting payment plus you'd have rent assistance and family tax benefit a + b. Add in a health care card and you'd do OK. Especially with the child support added to it. Go on, ask me how I know. lol. It can be tight but definitely doable if you are realistic about what you actually 'need'. I really don't understand your motivation in making all this stuff up?

I have no idea why you’re being so nasty. But that is your nastiness - not mine. Unless you live in my city, you have absolutely no idea. And if you’re relying on anecdotal information from those who live in other States in Australia, then you have no idea
I don't know if I'm in your city but I am in your state. I'm sorry you think that pointing out your inaccuracies and outright lies is nastiness. There is no way you'd have 'medical debt' for example. Not with private health insurance PLUS the benefit of the public system. Unless you have other 'issues' and it is clear that you do.
My best advice right now would be to re read your own threads so you can get everything straight.

I don’t understand what you’re getting out of continually lying about the medical system in Australia. It’s not perfect but it’s certainly not anything like you’ve described. Your story about your relative is absolute BS. And I say this as someone who has had a baby and treatment for cancer under the current system.
And I’m not suprised you think no one can survive on Centrelink given in your last thread you referred to your own salary of $80,000 as not enough to survive on as a single parent 🤨 however, many do.
Bottom line is that it seems likely that your partner would have been out of this relationship had you not fallen pregnant. He won’t be proposing and if you are still together when your child is 6 months old I’ll eat my hat.

@LolaSmiles

Yelling was a typo - I meant to write telling me to leave. I immediately clarified this.

I don't know how the Australian system works re child maintenance /parental responsibility and putting the (unmarried) father on the birth certificate - in the UK he would need to be with you and I suspect having his name on the birth certificate is evidence that he is the father and will need to pay something - but what you won't get in the UK is support for you/benefits of being married and splitting up which is more security for you.
I suspect that where you are getting comments from friends or family about marriage is that they are worried about you/your financial security if you don't get married.
Do you have strong feelings about marriage other than financial security? emotional security maybe? religion?
I think some people feel they have more emotional security in a marriage- less likelihood of splitting up- it sounds like you want to feel secure in your relationship so are putting all your focus on marriage. I can't believe that random strangers are staring at you because you're not married- I'm not married and have a baby and didn't notice anyone staring/or making comments about the ring.

I think you are focusing on marriage as in your view it would make everything ok- but marriage in itself doesn't give you an emotionally secure relationship. I do think it may be worth getting married even in an insecure relationship simply to protect yourself- but I'm not sure if this is true in australia where there is actually a lot of protection for unmarried/defacto partners

@CherryIceCreamSmile

I’m not making anything up. My out of pocket on just one surgery was $5,000.

Scans, specialist appointments, medication are on top of this.

Unless you’ve been sick with a chronic medical condition and tried to access public health care you have no idea.

@timshelthechoice

You initially implied I was emotionally unstable 🤷🏼‍♀️

I merely countered. You’ve been quite aggressive.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend

I don’t understand what you’re getting out of continually lying about the medical system in Australia.

I’m not lying about my observations of the medical system in my city.

Not one person in my social sphere has told me to go in the public system for the birth. For some reason some of you on mumsnet is stuck on this.

And I’m not suprised you think no one can survive on Centrelink given in your last thread you referred to your own salary of $80,000 as not enough to survive on as a single parent 🤨 however, many do.

I don’t intend leaving my relationship to rely on handouts from my government because my boyfriend made a comment I didn’t like.

Bottom line is that it seems likely that your partner would have been out of this relationship had you not fallen pregnant. He won’t be proposing and if you are still together when your child is 6 months old I’ll eat my hat.

I will check in in 6 months then.

Seriously though, those of you who think I’ll be abandoned by the time our child is 6 months old - how perfect are your relationships?

It seems that there is this standard of men must meet and if they don’t then women should LTB (leave the bastard).

He doesn’t hit me, drink excessively, he’s clean, tidy, rarely swears, has a lovely family and is looking after me.

I guess I can only go on his words that he wants to be with me and wait the 6 month period after the birth before I can accept he has kept his promise.

I think you need some help OP. The chopping and changing of information and view points, the negative terms you've used, your responses to other posters. I can't tell if your partner is abusing you or deserves a medal for putting up with you. Either way none of this sounds like a healthy environment for a baby.

i had 3 babies and we arent married. we are happy as we are why change it? i dont understand why people put so much pressure on themselves to be traditional and be married before a baby... doesnt make a pregnancy easier or labour easier or life easier lol it sounds like your hormones might be making things feel abit worse. he loves you and is with you and you are having your baby, his baby... enjoy it before baby arrives :)

Seriously though, those of you who think I’ll be abandoned by the time our child is 6 months old - how perfect are your relationships?
The "you're not perfect" type defensiveness doesn't help.
Nobody has claimed their relationships were perfect, but if I remember from the other thread (someone will clarify if I've missed or got it wrong):

DP was very recently out if a divorce that was quite messy
The two of you were having a tough time and the relationship was about to end
At the point the relationship was on the rocks you announced there was an unplanned pregnancy
You were pushing to move in with him before the baby, he had reservations. You were arguing over having keys to his flat? A flat together? I can't remember.
You wanted to be engaged, but he said he didn't want to be married
You said he should be paying for all your private medical care because you wanted to go private. You didn't like the public system and you're having his baby.
You said you expect him to support you because your higher than average salary would not be enough as a single parent when people manage on much less.
He had made it quite clear that he wasn't open to a baby but given the situation he'd do what's right by the child.
You still wanted a relationship and we were left at the point where the relationship was still (unsurprisingly) rocky due to an unplanned pregnancy that occured in a new relationship that was already on the rocks.

In this thread, you're still unhappy about not being married, you've said he's lovely and supportive and great but also said he threatens to kick you out and jokes about only being with you for sex on tap.You think everyone is staring at you for being unmarried and still want to be married to someone who has made it fairly clear they don't want that.

People are trying to help OP, but the backtracking, contradictions and so on only highlight that you're clearly in love and want this relationship to work, but it's unlikely. From the outside it looks very much like a woman who thinks having a baby with a man will keep him tied to her. Babies don't solve broken relationships. They make things harder.

Unless you’ve been sick with a chronic medical condition and tried to access public health care you have no idea

Oh look! I tick another box
Even when I had private cover, and unlike you I didn't have 'top' just 'intermediate, never paid more than a few hundred out of pocket. I have known people who have elective surgeries and pay more out of pocket though. Real conditions, no way.
Scans, appts etc are rebated. Medications are via PBS.

I don’t intend leaving my relationship to rely on handouts from my government because my boyfriend made a comment I didn’t like
You honestly need to go back and read your own threads OP.
Anyway, you said noone can survive on our welfare system and it was shown to be a lie. That's all. Leave, don't leave, whatever. It would just help if you could get a handle on the truth. All of it. lol

Seriously though, those of you who think I’ll be abandoned by the time our child is 6 months old - how perfect are your relationships?
You're asking the wrong question. Rather than "how perfect are your relationships" you should be asking "who else got pregnant and used that baby to browbeat an unwilling partner into doing what you wanted?" Again. Read your own threads!

It seems that there is this standard of men must meet and if they don’t then women should LTB
I would hope so. And I'd hope it goes both ways. Neither you or your partner are too fussy and I'm glad that works for you but I happen to think there IS a minimum standard. I'm sorry you don't

@CrumpetyTea

Do you have strong feelings about marriage other than financial security? emotional security maybe? religion?

I haven’t added that I’m Catholic, my family is staunchly so.

My vulnerabilities lie in being visibly pregnant and unmarried and then it brought up a whole lot of angst in respect to what would happen after the baby is born.

The latest marriage comment came from a former colleague who visited my office recently. I panicked, about not being married and about taking so much time off work for maternity leave.

I’ve never not worked before. I had my first full-time job at 18 and I’ve worked my way up. I’ve never been dependent on anyone since I left home.

I don’t think me bailing the relationship over a few comments and filing for government assistance is wise in the circumstances (for me or our child).

It may very well be that he has brought up wanting to marry me because he thinks I might expect it and is trying to placate me.

It’s possible he said that because he knows my families position on the matter.

I haven’t put any pressure on him.

I don’t think he’s ready for another commitment so soon after his divorce.

I think having a baby on the way is a big enough commitment for him.

I think there is an emotional element to it as well as a “status” element to it *i.e. that I’m good enough to have someone want to commit to me.

I may have missed something - if you have a good income why would you need government assistance even if you were single? Most people don't need to do that...?

@CherryIceCreamSmile

Not all medications are covered by the PBS.

medicare does not cover 100% of fees

You really do seem fixated on this. Much like my salary.

You're asking the wrong question. Rather than "how perfect are your relationships" you should be asking "who else got pregnant and used that baby to browbeat an unwilling partner into doing what you wanted?" Again. Read your own threads!

I have no intention of brow beating anyone.

I’m not putting any pressure on him in respect to marriage.

Out of interest though, @CherryIceCreamSmile - how healthy is your relationship? You seem to be quite aggressive with your opinion of a perfect stranger, could such a behaviour extend into your private life so that you yourself has either kept someone in a state of abject misery or pushed them away?

The only reason I ask is, you seem to be getting a great deal of enjoyment in tearing apart my comments and looking for cracks in any statements I’ve made.

I’m wondering if this is what other people feel who are unfortunate enough to interact with you? Or is this just something I have encountered while you hide behind a screen name?

@edgeofheaven

I may have missed something - if you have a good income why would you need government assistance even if you were single? Most people don't need to do that...?

Hi @edgeofheaven - I have made it clear I don’t want/need govt assistance. It was suggested in a reply that that was the way I was headed.

I will be on maternity leave for a period of time, won’t be earning an income and will be reliant on another person during this period. I do not wish to run away and file for govt assistance.

I am working, I’ll continue to work after I have a baby.

*to clarify - I will continue to work once my maternity leave has concluded.

You need to save and budget as though you don't have a partner. Isn't there any paid maternity leave in Australia?

I know someone who fell pregnant very early in a new relationship, although she and her partner are together they are still unmarried - which she is unhappy about - and she continues to work hard and earn her own money because she isn't completely secure in things working out. I'd suggest you follow the same and if you make it for the long haul then that's a bonus.

@LolaSmiles

To clarify:

1. I met my DP after he had been separated from his wife for a year
2. He filed for divorce - this period was tough for him
3. The divorce went through
4. Everything was fine
5. I got very sick (had 3 surgeries in one month) then the pill failed
6. The relationship was not about to end
7. I pushed to move in with him when I started to show (visibly pregnant)
8. I asked him if he would pay for all medical bills but asked him to consider whether we go public or private so that we could budget accordingly
9. He asked friends and family then said he would pay private (consensus was you get better care in a private hospital)
10. He said he was happy with me and wanted to get married
11. I freaked out at the prospect of not working

10. People kept asking (both of us) when we would be getting married - he brought up the marriage thing and said he would like to marry me (he didn’t ask though - which I found weird) 11. He has offered that I don’t have to return to work at all after maternity leave (I declined this offer) 12. He has made it clear he very much wants the child and that he freaked out before 13. He made a joke about how I live with him in exchange for sex - I took offence he also made a joke about kicking me out - which upset me.

I posted on mumsnet because I was worried about being noticeably pregnant and unmarried and thought people were judging.

Then the thread snowballed and people accused me of trying to trap him and suggested I leave the relationship and file for Centrelink because he didn’t want me.

I have paid for all medical appointments thus far and he has paid for scans. I’ve paid for the $800 test, he said he is happy to reimburse me. The big expenses haven’t come up yet (such as the retainer for the obstetrician plus the hospital fees which are out of pocket).

In terms of what is important to me right now, the ring isn’t important - a certificate isn’t important. I have placed more value on getting the best medical care. And this is what is happening. Him paying for the costs of the obstetrician plus the delivery & hospital costs means more to me than getting a ring and a proposal because it means he values my health and the health of our child.

In the context of my medical issues my GP said it was like likely I would be transferred to the major maternity hospital in my city. This is where my friends baby died during a botched birth. The public hospital near where I lived before was also in the news for an avoidable death of a baby during a botched birth.

@edgeofheaven

There is paid maternity leave at the federal minimum wage for a few months which is not much $ at all.

This is a govt payment - it’s not from my employer’s pocket.

Thank you for your advice on remaining in work.

I am planning to go back to work as soon as I can.

Given some of your corrections contradict the other thread and other posters have already pointed out the changing details and retelling as the threads continue, I'm not really sure what you want from everyone OP.

We may as well tell you what you want to hear: you've clearly got a really happy and healthy relationship, you and DP are thrilled about the baby, it's great you're living together in harmony. He's amazing covering all the bills because he loves you and the baby. Nobody is judging anyone for being pregnant and not being married, and it's all going to work out just fine.

In that list you missed out:

1. He asked you to abort the child. More than once.
2. You contacted a clinic. Backtracked. Threatened him with abortion if he didn’t pay for private care as you couldn’t give birth in the state system in Australia. Threatened to give the child up to SS if he didn’t move in with you after move.
3. That in the 6 months you were together you had broken up several times.
4. That he was out drinking and socialising and you were unhappy (main gist of your previous thread/many threads began with this).
5. He refused to let you move in. He kept refusing to give you the keys.