AIBU - insecure about pregnancy and being unmarried

[meccacos2]

I’m 6 months pregnant and it’s become very noticeable.

Strangers look at me when I’m walking about and sometimes stare.

What has also become noticeable is people looking for my wedding/engagement ring and colleagues/family asking when I’m getting married.

The thing is, he hadn’t asked. He has brought it up himself and said the reason is because he hasn’t found a ring. Except he’s not looking for a ring. He hasn’t even asked what rings I would like.

He hasn’t proposed.

He said that he didn’t think I would want to do it “as you are now”. And that is so true. I just look huge.

I haven’t nagged or dropped any hints.

I feel entirely unimportant and inconsequential to his life.

I’m walking around getting fatter and fatter and feeling really insecure.

My boyfriend has even pointed out people staring at me.

I hate this scrutiny. I hate being so obviously pregnant and unmarried and constantly sick and he gets to walk around, still drinking, still completely unaffected by the entire thing.

He wants to go on holidays before the baby is here and all I can think about is the cost for a maternity wardrobe plus the time off work which I can’t afford.

I feel so resentful and sad.

I’ve told him I don’t feel secure and I feel very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel this way?

The OP did that in her many threads a few months ago. She threatened to abort the baby if the father didn’t pay for private healthcare. Cue a LONG debate about the Aussie system. As I said before he then agreed to one private scan and the OP decided that yep, the relationship was on. At that point the relationship was about 8-9 months old and they had broken up multiple times. Now it’s a year old and nothing has improved.
ALL of us across many many threads told the OP that he wasn’t interested in her and had made that abundantly clear and she would probably end up as a single mother.

This explains the bizarre: why isn’t he proposing? And oh he’s financially not supporting me so I am planning to leave him. All at the same time.

OP, the advice is the same. He’s not a nice man. He didn’t care then. He still doesn’t care. He certainly isn’t going to marry you. And the whole private healthcare thing is NOT proof of his love to you.

Tbh, between this and your other thread, this is a total shitshow! You pushed this relationship, opted to keep the baby and are now trying to push and push for more, his money to give you financial security. He's not into you, he doesn't sound like he's into the baby, he will not 'look after' you or pay for you financially, you continue to make yourself vulnerable (cutting yourself off from your family, cutting your hours at work) in what looks like a desperate attempt to force him to pay for you. He's having none of it but you continue to pressure and push. It also comes across as that you have a need for psychiatric treatment.

At any rate, you are failing to accept the fact that you cannot hitch your wagon to his horse because he's not playing ball. That's all there is to it. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your child and if you don't it will be no surprise when you are forced to because he will have had enough and end things.

A private scan? I don’t know what it’s like in Oz but here that costs about the same as a meal out. Not a big deal or declaration of love

And he can father more male children and children in general, why wouldn't he? He's obviously fertile. You're fooling yourself that this is special to him, he's a jerk, he doesn't care.

@CherryIceCreamSmile

How very dare you.

If my aspirations were to get $ through having a baby I would have allowed my boss to set me up with someone filthy rich 🤣

And I haven’t misrepresented the medical system in Australia.

Just look at the go fund me pages in Australia and see for yourself how many of them are for medical treatment.

You have absolutely no idea.

A relative recently had a compound fracture of her arm, went to public hospital, was referred to another public hospital for surgery and had to wait for an appointment with the public hospital.

She ended up paying privately for the surgery because the public hospital system is broken.

Further, anyone who thinks you can survive on social welfare in Australia is clearly deluded. It is well known that Newstart isn’t even indexed correctly (indexed to interest rates not CPI or some such) which is why people are really struggling.

I have no idea why you’re being so nasty. But that is your nastiness - not mine. Unless you live in my city, you have absolutely no idea. And if you’re relying on anecdotal information from those who live in other States in Australia, then you have no idea.

@Passthecherrycoke

A private scan? I don’t know what it’s like in Oz but here that costs about the same as a meal out. Not a big deal or declaration of love

An ultrasound is about $280+ (I’ve had 3 ultrasounds so far).
CT’s are $300 to $600 depending on what you have done.

If you’re admitted to a public hospital they’ll give you a free x-ray (it’s cheaper) and then, once they have stabilised you they will discharge you and tell you to see your GP for a scan and follow up.

You can get admitted for certain CT’s in hospital if they suspect a traumatic brain injury. If it’s not immediately life threatening then you pay a private provider. It’s the way it is.

Those who don’t work at all get health care cards - but that doesn’t mean they are covered for everything.

You are responsible for supporting yourself and both of you are responsible for supporting your child. There is nothing nasty about pointing that out and that it really does come across your not wanting to take that on. He isn't a nice man but well, you decided to carry on with having a child with him, this is what it is. If you want to waste your time thinking he'll change, marry you, support you, and disadvantage yourself to that end, well, you're a grown up, that is your lookout, and so is the fallout when it goes awry because this man doesn't care, he's not into you and it doesn't really sound like he's into being a father, either.

Plenty of people do know the system there, are living there and have posted accordingly but as they don't suit your agenda you cry foul and that they have no idea and are making it up.

I meant a pregnancy scan OP. I assumed that what he had paid for?

He's not into you so why not live separately and share custody?

And why did you need a private pregnancy scan? Also you keep mentioning your maternity clothes as though that is the most important thing. You do not need to spend a lot of buy a lot.

Neither of you come across great in this. I'm not even sure why you moved in with him? He doesn't owe you money, he is responsible for his child though.

@HuloBeraal

That is blatant lie - I never threatened to abort my baby if the father didn’t pay for private healthcare.

He always agreed to private expenses once we spoke about it and after he consulted his friends and family.

He is supporting me, I’m really comfortable right now.

I can still be insecure in my relationship which is independent to how I am treated.

Why are you aggrieved because he is stepping up?

There was someone on the other thread who was particularly nasty - and I suspect it was you.

You were angry I wouldn’t abort, you’re angry now that he stepped up.

Other than my general angst - I’m pretty freaking happy right now 🙂

@Passthecherrycoke

I meant a pregnancy scan OP. I assumed that what he had paid for?

No, he’s paying for me everything, he has come to all of my appointments, including counselling.

He stepped up, which is why I can’t tell him it bothers me being pregnant and unmarried.

I know people are saying to prepare for being a single mother, but right now my focus is being healthy and stress free as possible - not ensuring I register the birth with my last name instead of his.

Pretty happy? You sound utterly miserable

He's paying all your medical bills? That's pretty amazing and yet you seem to be more concerned about where your maternity clothes will come from.
And you do not sound happy at all! It sounds like if you weren't pregnant this relationship would have ended already and you both know it. If he wanted to marry you he would ask. You got pregnant after 6 months into the relationship and you'd already broken up before. Neither of you really know each other.

This is your idea of his stepping up? Wow. Honestly, SMH.

yikes - sorry OP, he just doesn't sound like he was that into you int he first place. Are you ok (money wise) should you become a single mother? Because i suspect if he wanted to propose, he would have done. You say the baby wasn't planned, could he feel trapped to stay with you because you are carrying his baby and won't propose because he actually doesn't want to be with you? Im sorry you find yourself in this situation - i hope you get whatever it is you're looking for. And erm, yeah, going on about the maternity clothes make you sound a bit materialistic, because if you really were struggling for money, so many people sell bundles of second hand clothes.

@Rachelle11

No, I merely lamented how expensive maternity clothes are. I never suggested once that he pay my clothing expenses.

@Rachelle11
No, we only broke up for a very short period after we found out I was pregnant. It was a shock for both of us.

This wasn’t a volatile relationship wherein I trapped him with a pregnancy to keep him. It wasn’t a good time for either of us. But I did not want to terminate the pregnancy.

This was a shit show when you first started posting, and it's still a shit show, and will continue to be a shit show You both sound like hard work. That poor kid that will grow up in the middle of this.

That’s not a reason to try and force a relationship where there isn’t one.

@dowehaveastalker

Are you ok (money wise) should you become a single mother?
not at all, but I will be once I go back to work full-time.

could he feel trapped to stay with you because you are carrying his baby and won't propose because he actually doesn't want to be with you?

it’s highly possible - I think that’s why I’ve had such anxiety. It’s also the reason why I’m not pushing him to commit.

you sound a bit materialistic, because if you really were struggling for money, so many people sell bundles of second hand clothes.

Fair point, I tend to have zero filter on things and say/type the first thing that pops into my head. I guess I do come across that way. But I also don’t know how some women manage. I suppose the responsible ones plan for this and are organised.

@timshelthechoice

This is your idea of his stepping up? Wow. Honestly, SMH.

yes, I don’t know what else he is expected to do in these circumstances? I feel we are still getting to know each other.

I can still have feelings whilst respecting how difficult things must be for him.

Oh you do sound sad. I'm married and i do believe in it. When I was pregnant it was nice saying 'my husband' but as I got bigger (I put on 4 stone) my ring wouldn't fit and I also felt like people were noticing. My baby is 10 months old now and I've got 12 pounds left to lose but the bloody ring still doesn't fit and I still feel like people notice. At the end of the day, it's about how you feel, sod everyone else. I struggled in my pregnancy and 'enjoyed' it more now cause I got my beautiful baby and she was the one causing the problems .... she's perfect and your baby will be too.

Erm. I had no wish for you to abort your baby. I was quite appalled that you were suggesting this because you felt that you couldn’t give birth in the state sector in Australia. Also didn’t he ALSO ask you to abort the baby? I am all pro choice but you also then suggested that you would give up the kid if your OH abandoned you afterwards. I am happy to pull up those threads but I know it’s bad manners to do so.

Has he stepped up? Erm. No. He clearly has let you live with him after dicking around about the keys (as per that thread). Now he threatens to throw you out. As a joke. Who even makes jokes like that?

So is he still married to someone else as well? And you think he's going to propose?