In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

Ridiculous. You btw. But then I wouldn't buy a pram that costs as much as a car

Fucking hell I would have been absolutely mortified if I was your dh. He's right you were being an arsehole.

Tbh I don't think either of you were great, and I would def think about how you've been since baby came and how your assertiveness is coming out.

And agree with Ginger, why wouldn't you go elsewhere? How tiny was this pun or how oversized is your pram?

Laptops and prams are different though even if they cost the same or even more. Someone is much less likely to spontaneously nick a laptop or mobile phone compared to a pram. I don’t put anything past anyone but just haven’t heard about pram stealing being a thing but happy to be proved wrong.

I wouldn’t like someone standing next to my baby’s pram smoking to be honest. That is pretty inconsiderate. Nor would I be happy to leave it outside completely out of sight for so long. Those two things don’t make you an arsehole. I would imagine there’s more to it from his point of view to lead him to say what he did.

I don’t think it’s particularly relevant that insurance would cover the cost if it were stolen. Who the hell wants to sort all that stuff out? It’s perfectly reasonable to want to take care of your valuables to avoid theft

More likely sorry. Sure people knew what I meant but that’s not what i wrote

You were an arsehole, and you already know you were, so why is he not allowed to say so?

I would have been more concerned about someone smoking right next to the pram I'd need to put the baby in later than the chance of it being stolen. However I simply wouldn't have gone in if I couldn't take the pram or store it somewhere out of harm's way regardless of the cost of it.
It wasn't polite to say she looked rough (even if it was true!) But it wasn't really sensible to leave it outside either.

I would be anxious about a pram of that value - and less!
You already knew you were out of order with your comments.
I'd just forget about it tbh- not that big a deal if he doesn't otherwise call you names

People do steal prams, however why get such an expensive one?

No need for him to be so rude about it even if you were wrong. Why is he being so critical rather than being understanding of your reasonable concern?

You can be anxious. And you can behave like an arsehole. They aren't mutually exclusive. You seem to be implying that it's more excusable to act like a dick because of anxiety. It isn't.

I know I was an arsehole about that woman!

But I did feel my husband was unnecessary mean calling me an arsehole and stuck up for the entire two years I have been a mother.

He also was merrily eating his warm lunch whilst I was watching the pram and greppling with a tired toddler.

And if they were really ‘rough’ your husband is probably relieved the woman’s one didn’t spark him (doesn’t take much with some people). It’s fortunate they weren’t as bad as you initially thought otherwise he’d be laid out and fuming whilst you say I told you they were trouble!

The vipers are out in force.

OP you haven't been an arsehole, it sounds like you're anxious. Your DH could easily have put it to you 'you don't seem yourself because X, Y and Z seem like over-reactions, are you okay?'

And not called you an arsehole. That's shitty. And we've all made judgements about others at one point or another, don't beat yourself up.

Spending £1100 on a pram, I'd be worried about it too! I'd want it to do the washing up and ironing for that much

I wouldn't leave an expensive pram outside a cafe.

He was right, you were being rude and judgemental, and I would have been embarrassed and called you an arsehole too.

Have you got other examples of your newly found "assertiveness"?

Maybe this situation was the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

£1100 pram? Is that what they cost these days?

@BlueBirdGreenFence

I am not saying it's excusable.

You didn't cover yourself in glory, but I remember being quite the arsehole for probably the first 5 of years of being a parent. Because it's so fucking tough, especially with no support outside DH.

The difference is, my DH never actually confirmed it to me.

Let yourselves calm down and then have a chat about things in general together. Explain what's going on for you, and just ask for a bit of patience from him, and perhaps a bit more support.

Keep talking. You're in the trenches at the moment, but it does get better.

Yabu to have an expensive pram which means you can't enjoy a meal out with your family. Sell it and get a cheaper one and live a much better life. Prams shouldn't feature so heavily on your life.

He also was merrily eating his warm lunch whilst I was watching the pram and greppling with a tired toddler
Well you were way hung the pushchair because only you were worried about it. Why not go somewhere else?? As for ypouhavomg to do childcare whilst he happily ate his lunch, you need to dump DC on his lap next time!

So you made the woman feel uncomfortable who was smoking near the pram. Not in it. But somewhere near. Staring that much you made her uncomfortable and didnt eat your soup.

Then made a nasty comment about the woman being rough. Then went outside and had an argument with your husband, because this woman's husband overheard you derogatory comment?

I think you were being an arsehole. There no reason to label this woman rough. What did it add. And if you are one of those people who keep mentioning how much their pram is, it's annoying to heat all the time.

It sounds like you have poor behaviour mixed up with 'assertive'.

Personally, I would call dp an arsehole if he did what you did and I would be adamant that I was right.

Stop calling other people names if you cant stand someone using quite an accurate mean name to describe you.

He also was merrily eating his warm lunch whilst I was watching the pram and greppling with a tired toddler.

So sit back and relax and use the assertiveness to give the child to dh.

To be fair you werent interested in eating your lunch. You were too busy staring at your pram and judging the woman stood near it.

You need to get a bike lock for your pram and chill out a bit. But christ it cost more than my last car.

Him calling you an arsehole isn't on.