In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

But I did feel my husband was unnecessary mean calling me an arsehole and stuck up for the entire two years I have been a mother.

Well he knows you better than we do.

there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram.

You certainly come across as an arsehole in your OP.

Who in their right mind would spend that much on a pram anyway? Obviously got money to burn!

Prams get stolen all the time. At our baby centre we had a bike area and you were given a free padlock to chain it up when you checked in to have baby weighed. London, zone 5.

That said, everything else that happened was not good on your part. Arsehole is not really that offensive among my friendship group either but I get that it’s his sentiment rather than his chosen insult that’s hurt you. On this example alone, you weren’t nice, and he is the one who spends the most time with you so maybe he has noted other instances where you’ve acted similarly and he’s finally mentioned it.

Doesn’t sound very relaxing for you. Was it the only restaurant you could use?

A shame you had to spend it looking at the pram.

The rough comment wasn’t great but you acknowledge that

Well that pram was worth the money then. It’s hard to see what you want from this as we don’t know you in day to day life. Also don’t know your DH. It doesn’t sound like this brought out the best in you but as your DH knows you and you him, really you are the only ones that can call it.

I'm often surprised at what people will put up with in relationships.

My DH would have supported me in such a situation and either we would have gone elsewhere or he would have helped me keep an eye on the item likely to be stolen or helped me do it.

Not wanting a £1100 pram left outside to be stolen isn't unreasonable. Its not like you can secure them. Its pretty irresponsible to just leave it outside and not care about it being stolen. I'd be pretty upset if my DH called me an arsehole (he wouldn't, he's not into name-calling) and I'd probably store it up to raise it as an issue in the future.

As I say, I'm amazed at what people put up with in relationships on here of late.

Incidentally, that isn’t assertiveness, it’s just unpleasant. Perhaps just go to places where you feel the people are not ‘rough’ as it doesn’t sound like a nice family trip.

And no he shouldn’t have said that, better if he’d help you enjoy your lunch too by taking toddler for a bit

I'd be pretty upset if my DH called me an arsehole (he wouldn't, he's not into name-calling) and I'd probably store it up to raise it as an issue in the future.

Storing something up to raise as an issue at a later date, is arsehole behaviour.

Op was an arsehole in the way she spoke about that woman.

How is ok for her to call the woman rough, loud enough for others to hear but not ok for him to call her an arsehole.

Cause she feels bad about it? Did she apologise to the woman or her husband?

OP - are your familiar with Mumsnet?

Starting this thread suggests possibly not.

It's not going to make you feel any better. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Mumsnetters really are not known for validating the feelings of people who've done something (they fully know was a bit) silly.

I'd possibly hide this thread, have a bit of self-reflection, and move on from the incident.

Is there a reason why you couldn’t fold the pram and ask the restaurant to put it somewhere secure for you?

I think you’re being a real hypocrite here. You were audibly making abusive personal comments about a stranger who’d done nothing wrong in a public space yet you think it’s okay to complain that your DH objected and called you a mildly nasty name which you did actually deserve. You were being an arsehole.

I find it quite difficult to square the idea of you being anxious with the idea of you making nasty remarks which other people can hear, talking about how much your pram cost and objecting to a ‘rough’ woman near it. Have you any idea how hurtful and upsetting that would be? You have no idea who that woman or her family are and what they’re going through. I’d be absolutely mortified if my partner did that, particularly as it sounds like you were making horrible remarks that other customers could hear and would probably have been thinking you were behaving like an arsehole too. I really think on this occasion you need to accept you were an arsehole, apologise to DP and have a good think about how you treat other people.

Perhaps you aren’t an arsehole but you certainly behaved like one.

Also, if like the majority of people you consider £1100 a huge sum of money you can’t afford to lose, and you panic about it being stolen in public then why the fuck would you spend that much on a pram in the first place?

My OH would have been the one watching the pram like a hawk because it was expensive.

1100 quid pram? You were right to be concerned about leaving such an expensive item just sitting outside on the street. As others have suggested maybe get a bike lock for it.

What you’re doing here is blame shifting, it’s not nice and it doesn’t happen in healthy relationships. You cocked up, you were rude, you embarrassed your family. Picking up on him calling you an arsehole is just a way of deflecting attention away from your own poor behaviour by trying to make him the bad guy.

It’s really, really not a nice thing to do to a partner.

Ffs the woman wasnt smoking I'm the pram or blowing smoke on the pram. She was outside somewhere near the pram.

I think you have got a bit of a hard time here op.
I would also have been anxious about leaving such an expensive pram outside and i probably wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't like someone smoking near my pram either and could understand you being worried.
I don't think insurance would cover you if you left a pram outside and someone wandered off with it.
I think if your child is now two then it might be worth buying a cheap buggie and putting the pram away if you are planning any further children and then you can relax a bit more.

You calling the woman rough especially within earshot of her husband was shitty but you admit that. Your dh was also shitty but i suspect he was really embarrassed so i would probably put it down to experience except for the fact that i think he took it quite far with the criticism. I think it maybe worth a discussion when you have both calmed down.

Just to be clear, I didn't pay 1100 quid for it, I managed to get a great deal on an ex display model.

I'm not quite sure what I wanted from this topic. I guess I wanted to be called an arsehole because I was utterly horrid. I just didn't want to hear it from my husband like that.

You owe your DH an apology. I’d suggest never ever going into that restaurant again! I’d be mortified if I were you!

What you did does not come under the heading of assertive though, OP. Agree with the PP about trying to blame someone else too.

What treatment did you receive for your PND?

So why do you keep saying it's an £110 pound pram.

Its worth what you pay for it and considering it's been used, it's not worth £1100. It was a display, so not able to be sold for £1100.

It sound like you are one of those people who keep bringing up how much something is worth. Pointlessly.

Plus your attitude to the woman, is all arsehole behaviour.

Many people think they are assertive. But they confuse it with rude. You did that today.

Would he leave a £1k bike unlocked outside a pub?

Aside from the fact that imo £1100 on a pram is ridiculous- I mean babies vomit all over them or eventually rub quavers into them, i think that you are overly anxious about this. Yes they can get stolen but it's unlikely. Stick a lock on the wheels. You were being a martyr about your dh eating his warm food and you had cold soup- that was because of your issues.

Gosh everyone is rather sneery about expensive prams aren't they?

Mine cost 1k 7 years ago and yes until I got a lock for it I wouldn't go anywhere I had to leave it unattended

FWIW I am in central London, we don't ha e a car and pram has been used daily since November 2012, has served 3 kids and I'll still get a few hundred back when I sell it.

You get what you pay for an all that.

MN seem to think people should cart that baby's around in a shopping trolley and its very competitive as to who has the cheapest pram.