In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

You let the pram ruin the day for you and your dh. You need a rough and ready cheaper pram that serves you instead of you having to worry about it so much. You didn't even get to eat your food hot!

IME most mums new mums are a bit paranoid about the pram being pinched. We have it at baby group - the new mums all want to bring them in so we now have a blanket ban as not enough space as there is space outside. Anyway I digress. I think DH could have been a bit more supportive of your anxiety over this. It’s unlikely it would be stolen. But if you said you were worried he shouldn’t be dismissing you. It all sounds pretty unfortunate to me like it got a bit out of hand. Unless he has specific examples of other reasons you’re an arsehole he’s unlikely to have meant it - just one of those moments where having a baby is BLOODY HARD 💐

I don't understand what is so very terrible about being called an arsehole.

I would not like someone smoking next to my baby's pram.

You are not the arsehole here. The restaurant should have had room for you to bring your pram in, the lady should not have smoked next to a pram and your dh should stop being mean to you.

Why couldn’t you fold it and bring it in?

I don’t think you were unreasonable to be worried - I personally wouldn’t have gone into a restaurant / cafe / pub if I couldn’t take my expensive pram inside. But I would have folded it and got my DH to lug it in while I held baby / child.

Thanks to everyone who suggested getting a lock for the pram. I have just ordered one that should be here tomorrow.

I probably should have ordered one when I first bought the pram, but this was genuinely the first time we left it unattended.

I don't think you're an arsehole and I would have felt anxious about the pram as well. Since becoming a new mum myself my anxiety about anything relating to my LG is very high and at times has completely consumed me. I was diagnosed with PND when she was 4 months old and now she is 17 months old I am much better although not 100%. Like you say your OH wouldn't leave his laptop outside so should maybe cut you some slack.

Why couldn't the pram be folded down? And why couldn't the 2yo sit in his own seat?

In 6 months time you will have a £50 buggy that folds up easily and you will use it far longer than the £1100 pram.

Enjoy your days out with your family. That’s what matters

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

He was sat next to me on a normal chair, but was very fussy and wanted to sit on my lap for the entire meal.

He was fussy because he was tired, probably would have been the same in a high chair.

Our pram with a buggy board was stolen in Oxford I the very respectable natural history museum.

Pain in the backside carrying both kids home. They now have a pushchair room.

Have you been worrying about your pram for the last two years.

@popsadaisy it's hard isn't it. For me 4 months was probably when I was feeling at my lowest. It was so bad for me that I could barely sleep because I was convinced he would die in his sleep.

I pretty much got over it but sometimes I do still feel anxious and I think today was an example of that.

I personally don't think you were unreasonable. A bit uptight maybe, but understandably so and I'd hate someone smoking next to it (although obviously she had a right to be smoking outside and you didn't have to leave your pram there I guess).

Not that I ever had a posh pram!! Someone did try to nick my £100 buggy though in a shopping centre once, and when I approached them, claimed they were security and returning it to lost property. Very convincing in their tracksuits and baseball caps .

Anyway- we.all say things we'd never say deliberately within earshot of 'other' people, and your comment was more a reflection of your own feelings of stress at the time than anything else. I think it's a bit unfair of others.to call you an arsehole considering the comment was meant for your husband's ears only, and you were mortified at being overheard!

All sounds a bit unrelaxing. Your husband has clearly built up a bit of resentment over one thing or another. Hopefully he's willing to talk like.a grown up when all has calmed down a bit.

Thanks everyone.

I have reflected back on my behaviour and I know what I probably should have done.

Which is to tell my DH that I don't want to sit down in the restaurant and leave the pram unattended. We could have got a takeaway or take the long way around to a different place.

If I hadn't ignored my initial angst I than wouldn't have felt so anxious, would have not focussed on the woman and wouldn't have been a complete bitch.

So you chose a restaurant with no room for the pram and no high chairs? If our DS was tired when we were heading out for lunch we’d choose somewhere we could put the pram next to the table and let him nap.
You weren’t really making life easy for yourself were you?

yeah - sorry op. I would have called you that too, and you do sound like a snob. And if I have overheard you calling my wife ‘rough’ I would have called you a lot more than an arsehole.

OP, some people on here are of their tits surely. Leaving your buggy unattended? Claiming on insurance if it is stolen? What the fuck?

You shouldn’t have left it outside regardless. You should have either folded it up and taken it in then reassembled or not bloody bothered.

Who in their right mind leaves their possessions outside for anyone to take/smoke around/whatever! Careless, careless people. I shake my head in disbelief.

Wow.

No you are right.

I just had my heart set on going there which is part of the problem.

My DS is usually pretty well behaved at restaurants. Also there's absolutely no chance he would have had a nap in there.

@PramAnxiety I was the same and then when I did sleep I would sleep walk thinking she was in my arms and carrying her to 'safety' totally consumed my whole life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We can all be unreasonable at times of stress. I think a lot of people of this thread are being quite unfair to you. It's good that you are able to reflect and see what you can do differently to avoid a similar situation again - not many people can do that.

The pram is 2 years old, so the original cost price isn’t relevant. But I wouldn’t like to leave anything unattended.

Thieves, generally, wouldn’t hang around and have a cig beside the pram prior to stealing it.

No way would I leave my baby’s pram outside a restaurant especially if it cost that much and no way would I accept the father of my baby calling me an arsehole because I was anxious about it. You get what you accept in life. Which as time goes on you get what you expect.

Yu sound very anxious and if you wanted to eat hand your dc over to your husband

Id take offence if someone was just staring me out withut an explanation

I think you need to get your PND treated op. Can you talk to your HV? IME rightly or wrongly PND is one of the mental health problems that seems to get more support than other mental health issues so unlikely to be the same experience as your DH.

£1100 on a pram? Was is it made of gold??? Fuck's sake!