In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

@Whatisthisfuckery it didnt get pinched.

And they were in there because OP had her heart set on it. If she didnt want to leave it outside and worry about it, she could have not gone in.

I've never spent more than £100 on a pram... Get a cheaper pram, problem solved.

I've never spent more than £100 on a pram... Get a cheaper pram, problem solved.

How much did you spend on your full travel system including isofix car seat plus spare wheels for non-pavement use (including all waterproof accessories)? Where is this magical place that you can buy all of this, even second hand, for as little as £100?

OP doesnt need a cheaper pram.

Thats what she wanted and she got it

She needs to just not go places where she needs to leave it outside.

I think you're getting an unfairly hard time here OP. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave your pram outside. I say this as someone whose double buggy was stolen from outside the front door (and I wouldn't say I lived in a bad area). It's nobody else's business how much it cost - I don't know why people are having a go about that. It's unlikely to be covered on insurance if it was deliberately left out of sight, and like others have said - it would be a load of hassle to replace anyway.

Haven't RTFT but seen PPs saying you should have gone elsewhere, but that isn't always practical with a hungry child. Also, would your DH have kicked up a fuss if you had suggested that?

I too would not want someone smoking right next to my child's pram.

Saying the woman looked rough was of course judgemental but you have owned up to that and it's clear you never meant for her to hear - it is unfortunate that her husband was nearby. It sounds as though you were really stressed when you said that.

Your DH calling you an arsehole is OTT I agree but if it isn't a general pattern of behaviour then I might put that down to him being stressed by that point too. But to address your having become more assertive since your baby was born - I think this happens to a lot of women, and is a good thing. Many of us are socially conditioned to be "kind" and "nice" all the time, instead of standing up for ourselves.

So try to analyse whether you have actually become more unpleasant, or whether you are just standing up for yourself more and your DH doesn't like it. None of us can answer that for you as we don't know you, but don't assume that becoming more assertive is a bad thing.

Thanks everyone.

Reading all of this has oddly made me feel a lot better. I don't think my anxiety is enough to warrant going to the GP for, I don't really think they can do much about this anyway.

To everyone asking how supportive my DH is, he is generally a star, does a lot around the house, has my back about my relationship with certain nasty members of my family etc.

There's two areas where wasn't as supportive as he could have been. First of all when DS was born, the midwife stressed the importance of daily baths and showers. For some reason it was really hard to carve out 20/30 minutes of time for myself. I think DH was anxious about the baby crying, especially because breastfeeding was often the only thing that would make him content. This led to loads of arguments and rushing around on my part. This honestly is making me hesitant about a second child.

The second thing has only recently been sort of resolved. My DS is an extremely poor sleeper and DH was just not pulling his weight. This led to countless very long dark nights of me being awake. When I went back to work full-time he still wouldn't do his bit. I literally couldn't anymore at one point. I would then get flack for sleeping in. It's been only recently that I have been extremely assertive about it. I do now get an OK night sleep every other night...

I do wonder if me demanding a fair bit of sleep has led to the arsehole comment , in which case he too is an arsehole.

Other than this he is usually great.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound great at all...

Oh and I don't want to get rid of my pram! I bought a lock for it so hopefully this situation won't reoccur.

I like my pram because it's very comfortable to handle and we do a lot of walking on slightly rough terrain, goes up to the right height for both of us etc. Whenever I have borrowed the cheap strollers either of the grandparents have I have hated it. I also love that it's parent facing.

So no, I am not getting rid of it...

since I have had my child

Yes you're being an arsehole if you're thinking like that. It's his child too. Would you rather he not call you out on your BS and let it fester? You were being an arsehole, and judgemental, he called you for it. Sounds like a fairly healthy marriage to me!

Its funny how men can be called an excellent father and partner despite it having to be pointed out to them that their own child is awake during the night. These great fathers are never so keen to claim ownership at three in the morning are they?

I don't think my anxiety is enough to warrant going to the GP for, I don't really think they can do much about this anyway.

You need to have a calm sit down with your H about what he meant in him saying you have been an arsehole since having the baby.

you absolutely do not have to live with anxiety and given what has happened I think it's worth going to the Drs.

To be honest I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving pram unattended outside. Nothing is safe these days, I don’t see why people think it’s asshole-ish to not be happy to do this?! Nor is it asshole-ish to have an expensive pram!

You did behave like an arsehole, but he didn't need to actually SAY it. And it sounds like you're going through a really hard time right now.

Be kind to yourself OP, good move on the bike lock :) It WILL get easier!

I think you judged the woman harshly but I understand your anxiety about the Pram

I mean I wouldn’t spend £1100 on a pram in the first place but like you said, you wouldn’t leave your laptop or phone outside alone, why would you do it with a pram?

For the future though, maybe look at getting a bike lock so you can lock it up when your indoors.

OK in your op you were being an arsehole, the rest of it, he sounds like an arsehole.

I wouldn't Have felt comfortable leaving my pram where I couldn't easily see it especially if people were smoking next to it!? Imo yanbu

Totally obvious I didn’t rtft as I didn’t spot you already bought a lock

Wise move

I feel for you with the lack of sleep for that long. I'm literally a different person after a few nights crap sleep. I want to kill everyone and can't imagine ever being happy again. He definitely needs to step up to help out with that especially if you're both working - you both need sleep!

I honestly think you are getting a hard time

I wouldn’t leave a pram outside it would make me anxious
You do not need a cheaper one
Your dh could have helped out so you could eat
And calling you an arsehole was off

You did one thing wrong the word rough and you’ve said it was wrong