In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

I'm sorry but I just do not believe that most people would have been ok with leaving a pram of that value out of sight. But this is sanctimonious MN where everyone pretends they're perfect and wouldneverhave an unkind or negative thought aboutanyone!Well except the imperfect OP they're sticking the boot into but they deserve it. Right?

Give over.

Yes people do have judgemental thoughts. People dont usually voice them in a public placement to do so is areshole behaviour.

Can you imagine that woman posting. She is having a bad time and was on a phone call sorting something out. a woman kept staring at hee, she can only presume because she was several feet away from he pram. Dh comes out fuming because her heart the woman going on about how much the pram cost and then had a go at her husband because a rough woman dared to be in the vicinity of the pram'

People would be telling to ignore the arsehole woman.

I am not prefect. Nor do I call people rough.

The problem wasnt the dh. The problem here was that the OP had her 'heart set on going in there'. Even when it became apparent that the pram wouldnt fit in. She still wanted to go in.

If OP is really that concerned with leaving the pram outside, then she shouldnt have gone in the cafe. She cant have it all ways. Would you have preffered the dh to say 'no absolutely not going in there. Dont care if you want to. I am not having it.'

OP wanted to go in, even when she knew she would have to leave the pram outside, she still wanted to go in. Fact is that she couldnt go in and take the pram and relaxed. She needed to give somewhere.

I would have refused the restaurant if there wasn’t a safe place to put the pram to be fair and would have been nervous even though mine is £399 including car seat. It’s still a lot of investment to leave unattended.

Obs your aware you shouldn’t have called that woman rough... you need to work on listening to each other

And check your pnd isn’t still impacting your judgement ... and give him a book on what it is ... I was a snappy arse when suffering from it ... but it was like living a black hole whilst walking on nails I just needed to jump out of my own skin .... some days I still do 10 months on ... give yourself time to heal / speak to someone if you need to x

Ok, so no HV but you still need to seek help for your PND.

@OliviaBenson I totally agree. I have depression and anxiety. When stressed and anxious it's really difficult to remain level headed.

You need support, perhaps medication, perhaps counselling or CBT.

One think you can do, is asses what you are doing. In this situation you couldnt birh go in the place you had your heart set on and be comfortable and relaxed. Bot being comfortable and relaxed ended with you temporarily acting very poorly.

In these situations you would have been better trying to learn to accept you shouldnt have gone in.

But again, with anxiety, sometimes you plan a day out and if something knocks it off course, you (general you, not you in particular) refuse to acknowledge sticking to the original plan is a good idea. And then cause yourself more stress because you dint want to change plans.

You need support to work through all this.

Yes, sometimes depression and/or anxiety can make us act like arseholes. But that doesnt mean you can just carry on as you are. If your mental health makes you sometimes act very poorly, it's your responsibility to seek help.

YABU ... sounds like you were being an asshole!

Honestly you both sound really stressed, which is totally to be expected, especially with a baby! Try and sit down and decide whether this level of stress and anxiety is normal on both your parts or whether you should speak to your GP, but also sit down and have a conversation with each other about how you feel. But relating to the original buggy problem... my double buggy cost £1500 and I could never afford to replace it if something happened so I’ve been known to slightly alter plans (or buy another buggy) if we’re going somewhere extremely busy and I’ve been worried about leaving it unattended to possibly get ruined! So I also don’t think you’re being totally unreasonable!

Although I might add that the comment about the woman outside was completely unreasonable, sorry!

OP is admitting her behaviour, but the DH sounds like an arsehole too. He's been dismissive about s legitimate concern about the potential for a desirable item to be stolen. While the pram wasn't purchased at full retail price and has been used since, it would still be a desirable item for stealing and resale. I never liked leaving my mid-range pram unattended, and I doubt many people are genuinely happy to leave £££ of property unsecured in public.

Standing around near a pram to smoke is not a bright idea. The woman could have helped herself by moving away if she was feeling uncomfortable about being stared at.

Did the woman's husband actually overhear? Was DH just stirring?

It sounds like DH was spoiling for an argument all along since OP's worst crime was being "snobby" about the pram before OP commented on the woman by the pram, and the argument seemed to have been brewing from the start.

The real issue is what is he like? Is he usually supportive and parenting as a team? Because he hasn't covered himself in glory on this occasion either.

FWIW op, dh and I would have just picked another place instead of leaving our pram outside. he would never have called me an arsehole and more so he would never had picked on anything about me being a mother. I think that's a low blow.

I think you were both upset. Going forward, where I used to live I had a pram lock I kept in my bag as sometimes I had to leave it outside (can bring it everywhere I live now though). A few people gave me odd looks when I was locking it up, but I know 3(!!!) people who have had their pram stolen so I didn't feel comfortable leaving it unlocked. Pram locks don't have the thickest chains, but most pram thieves opportunists so it's enough to make me feel secure enough leave it.

Get a bike lock for the pram. You can get some fairly good combination locks. You’ll not get pram anxiety, or get a cheap stroller for times like these.
I would get jumpy leaving an expensive pram outside.

The thing is op. Was she even rough? There was no need to keep staring at the pram. If you could see it, then you could have watched it out thr corner of your eye discreetly.

I'd hazard a guess she was just a normal woman. Making a phone call. Who wasn't staring at your pram, and your husband knew it, that's what promoted his comment.

That These people had nothing wrong with them and had done nothing wrong. That's likely where your husband was coming from. There was no rough woman staring at your pram as you stated, more a fellow guest had went out for a phone call and was in its vicinity, and simply due to the fact she was in its vicinity led you to behaving poorly.

@dentydown I would too! I have 2, one kept in boot which was £40 secondhand as my OH kept accidentally taking it to work and my main pram was ex-display for £350 I've always locked both up. I'd be having palpitations leaving a pram that cost over a grand unlocked!

Sounds to me like you need more help and support from your DH in general.

Good on you op for tracking through and working out what made you anxious.

And I suspect many many mums on here have bugaboos of some description...

I wouldn't want my pram stinking of fags, I'd be worried about her flicking ash in it accidentally. How old is your baby? Before my baby could sit in a high chair I wouldn't have gone in a restaurant without the pram as I'd have nowhere to put her while I ate and hated playing pass the parcel with her. We sat outside a lot in the early days, even in the middle of winter! I also felt more comfortable breastfeeding outside as it wasn't such a confined space.

It's a bit out of order saying there was 'a rough looking woman' outside even if you thought it. If you are anxious though overreacting is quite normal, I think I was overly anxious with a newborn and had a massive argument with my boyfriend for taking too long to get ready to go out as I wanted to go out during naptime then made us stay in till the next naptime! Also had a go at him for being cheerful in the morning! 😲 Is your partner supportive otherwise?

I think your DH is getting a bit of an unfair flaming on here though.
OP says she really wanted to eat in this place, DS was tired, and they couldn't take the pram in because it doesn't fit.
Theres 2 choices then, do what OP and her DH did, or keep walking and eat elsewhere, OP states she was the one that wanted to eat there.
Next time just keep walking, you were too stressed by the pram to enjoy your meal and the time with your family, that's silly.
You also say your DH might have anxiety or autism, as someone who is diagnosed with anxiety there is nothing worse than when my DH sometimes gets a bit loud and says something about a person or situation that could end in confrontation. I would have an actual panic attack of DH started loudly talking about "rough looking" people within earshot of others.
So while your anxiety manifests in a certain way I think you need to understand that from your DHs point of view it was a situation you were creating that was horribly tense for him as he was clearly worried about the womans partner and if he'd overheard.
Even if I think my DH is being a bit "assertive" in returning an item for a refund it stresses me out, even though locally I know nothing will come of it.

The DH didn’t even entertain the notion of folding it and taking it in. They didn’t ask the staff if that was an option. All they knew was it would not fit while up. He insisted on leaving it outside, knowing full well that would make OP anxious. She didn’t want to fold as she finds that cumbersome but he could have stepped up and taken care of it and at least talked to the staff about a potential solution. My point is that he was not willing to be in any way flexible or compromise to make her feel more comfortable, knowing what he did about her general anxiety. That is not kind and he should have known it would not end well.

I had an expensive pram (shoot me now) and I felt vaguely unsettled when it was out of sight for long stretches. I understand how you felt and yes, you should have been more discreet about the woman, but it sounds like a typical marital spat to me, nothing out of the ordinary (one person wants to leave pram; one person finds it stressful - standard marriage stuff).

If my husband told me I'd become a snob, it would shake me, but I really trust his judgement. Has he given you any other examples?

Good luck.

We all have it in us to be an arsehole and I do think you were a bit of one in the situation you described.

I'm not really sure where to go from here though. In my experience the local GPs can't really do very much because waiting lists are very long. I know this because coincidentally my husband went to the gp with anxiety problems, and the GP said that he couldn't do much.

Gosh what terrible advice from your GP. It sounds like both and your DH need some help with anxiety. They could put you on a waiting list for a counsellor and there is also medication because anxiety is not going to go by itself!

Is there any way you could pay for a couple of visits to a private counsellor? I have terrible anxiety, went for about four sessions with a counsellor and felt so much better- I also went on a low dose anti anxiety medication which has also helped enormously.

Do go back to a different GP and start the ball rolling for help.

A bad day is not a bad life

I used to tell myself this when struggling with babies/ toddlers.

I think recognizing you both have anxiety is important when making decisions.

Toddlers are assholes

I’m just imagining the responses to a slightly different OP.

So today me and DH went for a walk, then afterwards went to a restaurant. There was no room for the pram so we left it’s outside. The pram is worth over a grand btw.

Anyway I left it outside the door so when the door was open I could see it.

H saw there was a woman standing outside smoking and looking at the pram. He was worried but I told him he was being daft and not to be, who’d want to pinch a pram?

Anyway the next time the door opened the pram was gone, along with the woman.

H called me stupid for leaving the pram outside and being so sure it wouldn’t get pinched. AIBU to think it wa him being U, and the thousand quid pram getting pinched was just a fluke?

I can’t believe people are blaming the husband. He literally did nothing wrong.

The DH didn’t even entertain the notion of folding it and taking it in. They didn’t ask the staff if that was an option. All they knew was it would not fit while up. He insisted on leaving it outside, knowing full well that would make OP anxious

OP said he 'suggested'.

OP really wanted to go in. She could have suggested going elsewhere. Or asked him to fold it up or passed him the baby and folded it up.

Some people really are going round in circles at trying to make the husband responsible for the comments his wife made.

Look op made an error. She should have said what she did.

But the amount of twisting 'its his fault for not doing x' or 'I bet the husband didnt hear her' is ridiculous.