In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

You probably were being an arsehole. I was extremely uptight after becoming a mum. However it subsided and now I’ve really calmed down a lot. Apologise and move on

@ColeTheFox I don't consider it a waste of money, it's been used a lot over the past two years.

As to why we don't have a buggy: today's walk was over slightly rough terrain, a cheap buggy would not have cut it.

Just to make it clear: the 1100 pound pram remark and rough woman remark were made about 10 minutes apart.

Needed to plan your day better.....

That's not justifying the remark about the woman by the way.

But I was hardly going on about the value of the pram and no one heard both remarks.

People are being pretty rough on you, OP and I don't think you were BU really. We had a Silver Cross pram which converted into a pushchair, it cost about £350 11 years ago, which was a lot of money to us. Locals advised us not to leave it unattended, including old family friends who had lived locally for decades who advised against leaving it outside their house (a nice semi in a tree-lined street in a large city). Some people have unrealistic ideas, and of course you never meant to hurt anyone's feelings. You'd think no-one on here ever judged anyone else

Doesnt matter if they were 10 mins apart

Someone would have overheard both comments and thought you were an arsehole.

You already made the woman uncomfortable with the staring.

But I have to say, spend what you want on a pram. That's entirely a decision for you and your husband.

I would have dreamt of spending that on a pram. But you arent me. There will be things I spend money on that other people think is a waste. Not sure why people have a problem with what other people spend their money on.

I’m inclined to think it’s unfair for you to say ‘this one incident’ when the same could be said of your DH. It’s obvious his objection to this behaviour of yours has been festering for him sometime, so why can’t you let him off the one incident of ‘arsehole’?

On the other hand I can fully appreciate your anxiety about the pram. I guess your fear brought out the worst in you; that’s happened to me many times. If you are sorry all you can do is draw a line under the incident and show it by not repeating.

Sell the pram, buy a cheap one and stop worrying!

If you can anticipate you're going to react in a certain way then you need to take the steps to stop putting yourself in that situation.

If, after taking those steps, you still find yourself being overly negative/ judgemental then there are probably more things to work on.

Agree with poster who said we can all do with a wake-up call for how we act at times.

I do think you're mixing up "assertive" with " aggressive" a bit if I'm honest. That aside, I don't think I would be comfortable leaving an expensive possession of mine unattended and out of sight. I don't see how that makes anybody stuck up.

I do think your remark was very out of order and rude, but I think you’ve gathered that by now.

I do find it funny that everyone on this thread has become extremely disgusted about judging someone and calling them rough when names on the baby name thread are constantly flamed for being ‘chavvy’ ‘chavtastic’ ‘council estate’ ‘very rough’ etc. V much a case of do as I say not as I do.

I understand your anxiety but think you need to learn to approach it better... maybe have a few therapy sessions? I do think your comment was arsehole-y but also think we can say things in the heat of the moment.

Things usually get stolen when you’re not thinking about them.

I’d be really upset an worried if my Dh thought I’d been an arse for two years. I mean, where do you go from there?!

Maybe you should have brought a cheaper pram, maybe you should have gone to a more family friendly restaurant, maybe you should have chilled out about the pram, but you didn’t.

Just learn from this and move on.

It sounds to me like this whole thing could have been diffused with a bit of kindness and honesty. I agree you do sound anxious. My GP confirmed anxiety when I went to see her (have a 1.5 year old) and honestly that confirmation and validation was as helpful as some of the measures I’ve taken to help manage it.

I would have said to husband that it was going to drive you mad not being able to see the pram, yes it’s silly, can we move elsewhere. And do get a bike lock for it.

All the judging of another person just sounds like anxiety to me. Maybe you were an arsehole but you also sound super anxious and the responses of everyone around you didn’t help. My partner is excellent at a kind prod at moments like this. He would have asked me if I wanted to move, probably gently mocked me a bit, and I would have been able to tell him that I know it’s ridiculous but yes, yes I would. Instead everything got thrown outwards, with you not articulating the anxiety so it starts to control you. Then you fixate on something that seems like a threat, because your predator sense is out of whack because hello anxiety.

Small kids are hard work. You need to be kind to each other. Is it helpful to keep hitting yourself by calling yourself an arsehole? And saying you’ve been one for two years is not kindness from husband, however tee’d off he may be. Own it, it was unacceptable behaviour but you also know that somethings not right. Use that to do something like make an appointment with Gp, tell your husband you’ve done that and ask that while you know it wasn’t ok, saying things like he did also doesn’t help. Have a hug. Suggest a do-over and you’ll go somewhere else/ bring a bike lock.

Hmm, people leave prams outside our local cafe all the time. There wouldn't be room inside for ones that don't fold, so there are often at least two prams parked outside when I go past. I'm in a fairly small village, though.

Our pram only cost £350, looks very unassuming, and has one-handed fold so I can take it inside with me anyway Threads like this make me thankful we picked it!

I do think you were a bit of an arsehole but so was he, so I guess you're well suited to each other?

V much a case of do as I say not as I do.

Odd theory.

I dont go in baby name threads or topic. Or call people chavvy or rough.

Are you suggesting I cant have an opinion because some people are really rude over on baby names?

I wouldn't have gone somewhere I had to leave the pram outside. I've known way too many to be stolen when left unattended. you know for next time to leave if you can't take your pram inside as you can't relax. and yes saying someone looked rough was a bit mean. I'm not a thief and I probably look rough 6/7 days a week

Also my 'cheap' buggy is far better off-road than any other pram I've seen (it has to be, as I take the dog for walks in the forest regularly). Have a look at something like the City Mini GT (that's what I have) or Out n About Nipper. They're immensely practical and have a much better suspension and wheels than most of the more expensive prams. They won't win any prizes for looks, but I don't really care about that when I see people with their fancy-looking prams struggling to bump up the kerb!

2Frenchies plenty of people judge but only an absolute dick would ever utter it audibly in public.

Your husband could have helped you keep an eye on the pram and then you would not have felt so anxious.

To be fair. As long as my child wasn't it in it I wouldn't give 2 ducks if someone stole my pram.
You're priority was on the material things and not what you had in front of you. I think you need to reassess what's important to you. Not being mean but trying to keep you real. I'm guessing it's your first child? I've had 4 and trust me. After the second you soon realise prams are tools and that's it. Have a glass of wine and chill. Xx

**Instead everything got thrown outwards, with you not articulating the anxiety so it starts to control you. Then you fixate on something that seems like a threat, because your predator sense is out of whack because hello anxiety.

That does sound very much like I how I was feeling. I normally would have probably not even noticed the woman, but I was so fixated on not getting my pram stolen that I started to fixate on her.

I'm not really sure where to go from here though. In my experience the local GPs can't really do very much because waiting lists are very long. I know this because coincidentally my husband went to the gp with anxiety problems, and the GP said that he couldn't do much. He also said that it might be worth exploring whether my husband has autism, but again the waiting lists were very long so nothing has come of that.

Whether it is worth £1k now or not is somewhat immaterial, since it's clearly a valuable pram and would cost that much to replace if stolen. So, do as others have suggested and get yourself a decent bike lock asap and chill out in future.

Would you try medication?
Did wonders for my anxiety whilst waiting for counselling.

£1,100 pram? Blimey

Separately, why did your soup have to get cold because of the toddler? At 2, the child should sit in a high chair long enough for you both to eat, surely?