In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

PramAnxiety this is just one example. I'd suggest you sit down with DH and ask him what you've been doing that made him say you'd been an arsehole ever since DS was born. You sound like you've been a bit pfb, and that may have made you do things you haven't realised you're doing. Maybe you've been so focussed on the baby that everything else has gone to pot, including your relationship. Or on the other side of the same coin, maybe the attention you've given the baby hasn't been disproportionate and he's being jealous (and a bit of an arsehole himself) because he's not your no.1 priority right now.
But you'll only find out what's going on by talking to him.

Firstly I wouldnt be leaving my stupidly expensive pram outside. I'd either collapse it or eat elsewhere (but then again I wouldnt have spent that much on a pram)

@OliviaBenson no I don't have a HV.

HV has been affected by cuts so badly here that they don't even do the 2 year checks.

I do find it funny how many people focus on the value of the pram .

That has been the only thing we spent a lot of money on, all the other big ticket items like furniture, cots and Moses baskets we either borrowed or got secondhand.

I wanted a pram that's less than 10kg, suitable from birth, option for parent facing/world facing, narrow, compatible with a car seat that was compatible with an isofix base, suitable for tall people, small turning circle and able to handle more than smooth pavements. That didn't exactly leave lots of choice

Yes you were right to worry about your child being left in a pram unsupervised by either parent.

Your husband sounds like a complete arsehole for suggesting it.

I would have called the police because of his bad parenting

OP, you haven't answered these two questions that PP's have asked:

Why didn't you fold your buggy and bring it in?

Why didn't you put your toddler in a high chair?

gill1960 no-one was suggesting they left the baby in the pram. At least read the OP properly. The suggestion was to leave the pram. Empty of baby.

I wouldn't leave my pram outside a restaurant, maybe I'm cynical because I've worked in the justice system for too long, also we have lots of seagulls here. I would've collapsed it and asked for somewhere to put it in the restaurant, left it in the boot or not taken it and used a harness. If you didn't want to leave it don't, don't call people rough and start an argument. FWIW you can get buggy locks.

**Why didn't you fold your buggy and bring it in?
Because the only downside to our pram is that it's an extremely awkward fold, it comes apart in two bits and doesn't fold very flat.

**Why didn't you put your toddler in a high chair?
Toddler had their own chair (granted not a high chair) but was more interested in a cuddle than staying in their own seat.

OP, park being stolen was a possibility. New mum being highly anxious is normal. Your DH calling you names was unreasonable. Judging a stranger was unreasonable. Overall I think you’re fine, just like a lot of us, left with an anxiety our DHs can’t empathise with. The problem wasn’t really the pram, it was your DH bullying you into leaving it somewhere that meant your couldnt relax.

We have a Bugaboo, the fold sounds similar. But it’s still possible and that way the staff can put it in a storeroom or somewhere out of the way for you.

At 2 years old a kid is better off in a high chair than a normal seat.

Sorry, you made a rod for your own back on both counts.

OP sounds like you needed to be assertive about the restaurant being unsuitable because you couldn’t store the pram safely. Next time speak up and say no I’m not comfortable with whatever it is.
I wouldn’t be in a relationship with the type of man that would call me arsehole for feeling anxious. But I’m in my 50s and don’t put up with crap from anyone anymore.

Don’t pay any attention to the vipers on here wanting to to feel shit about yourself. You had a bad day and your dh made it worse by overreacting himself. Talk it through with him and move on.

It's not unreasonable to be anxious about something that cost £1100. If anything it's the opposite of snobby, because it shows you're concerned about valuable items, if you see what I mean x Your partner shouldn't have lost his temper and had a go at you. You did nothing wrong- that the woman's husband overheard you is unfortunate, but just one of those things.

Ignoring OPs reaction re the women, The sole focus on the value of the pram here by many is ridiculous. Surely that’s actually irrelevant to the most part of OPs ‘wrongdoing’. Would it be acceptable to leave a £200 pram outside, because that’s okay if it got nicked?
OP may have made a poor choice to leave the pram outside/eaten in said restaurant, for whatever reason that may have been, but she might still have worried so had the value of the pram been much less, because after all, who can just accept anything being stolen.

Likewise, the judgemental nature of so many of the comments, based purely on the value of the pram. Tell me not one single person who was shocked by the value of the pram has; expensive jewellery (could easily be lost), an expensive mobile phone (easily broken), an expensive handbag (easily stolen), umpteenth pairs of shoes (you only have one set of feet), etc etc. Surely these things all come down to personal preference when it comes to purchase value?

I don't think you were BU.

Prams are expensive! Not everyone could afford to immediately replace one if it was stolen and it easily could have been. I wouldn't be happy to leave mine out of sight.

Of course you can see if someone looks a big rough - not great if the husband heard but if it's true 🤷‍♀️

Also she shouldn't have been smoking over it

Sounds very familiar. I wouldn’t overly angst about all the specifics of it OP if I were you.

Your DH is more relaxed, and you are more anxious. I am an anxious / careful mother too, I’d never leave a pram outside and the whole thing sounds not very relaxing. A lot of couples have the dynamic where one person, usually the mother, is more anxious and more responsible, the other partner less so, after a child is born. My ex was a pain in the ass to be honest, he took it so far being chilled in relax he was a walking health and safety nightmare with our child. Because often there is a point to being more responsible and anxious, it takes more careful care of the baby and things like expensive prams!

Step back if you can from the asshole comment. Try and find ways for you and your DH to re bond and relax with each other. Keep life simple for a bit. Parks, art galleries, museums, all good with a baby to walk together. And prepare in advance for restaurants by picking ones.

And I’d get rid of a pram that doesn’t fold. Bit of a nightmare.

Op I think your dh is at fault here. He knew you were anxious about leaving the pram unattended but put you in that position, he should have taken your concerns on board and acknowledged your feelings instead of just telling you to relax (like that works!)
if he had then the "rough woman" comment wouldn't have been needed.

Insurance would not pay out for a pram that was left unattended and not secured in a public area (much the same as leaving your front door open/ car unlocked, etc ) policyholder has to take reasonable care to protect and secure their property.

For the future avoid cafes that do not allow prams.

Your DH should have handed you DS, folded the pram and assertively taken it to the staff to be stored. He was a bit of an arsehole not to do that, to be fair.

Oh for god's sake. It doesn't matter how much the pram cost! It cost what it cost.
I'd be pissed off if someone stole or damaged my cheap buggy in the same way I would be if they stole or damaged by expensive pram. Fortunately neither happened here.

OP, you were an arsehole. I understand your anxiety though, I'd feel the same about the situation so I wouldn't leave something that I was bothered about outside unattended.
Your DH definitely could have phrased it better, but I imagine he was annoyed at you. You know you have no right to say such things about a complete stranger. So you should feel bad. Ultimately if you don't want to be called an arsehole, don't act like one.

Jeez, people - get over the cost of the pram!

How sheltered are some of you?!

I sympathise. You're getting some Burger King-level flame grilling here and I don't think it's fair. You acknowledge you were judgmental and rude towards that woman, but you had your anxiety and a completely unsympathetic, unhelpful husband working against you. (Also, I understand the pram anxiety - a mate had hers nicked at a playgroup and I'm now paranoid when I'm not within five feet of mine!)

He's not just calling you an arsehole in this situation, which might have been excusable if you are the type of couple to swap the odd cross word, but he basically called you an arsehole since becoming a mother - yes, he went too far. And he didn't bother to help you at all.

Yes, you acted judgmentally in public and might have embarrassed him, but he went much too far.

Clearly very ooo as I can’t understand why anyone would be so impractical as to spend a sum they personally think is considerable on a pram if the very difficulty in replacing it limits what you can do with it. Whether that’s £100 or £2000.

I wouldn't smoke by a pram, baby in it or not. Cig smoke lingers. It's not a mild smell. DP wouldn't call me an arse hole and vice versa. We argue at times but don't disrespect each other like that. There's no need. Not to your life partner.

How much did you pay for the pram, OP?

Glad you’re getting a lock.

I don’t think you are snobby. I actually think your husband is at best naive, and at worst quite thick if he thinks leaving a good pram outside is a good idea