In thinking my husband went too far by calling me an arsehole

[PramAnxiety]

I am prepared to get flamed.

So today we've had an incident that has led to my DH saying I've become an arsehole since becoming a mother.

We went on a family walk followed by lunch. At the restaurant we went to we couldn't take the pram in so he suggested leaving it parked outside. At the time we did this we didn't know where we would be seated, and I begrudgingly went along with it.

Turns out that at the only place we could sit I could only see the pram whenever someone opened the door so naturally I was watching it like a hawk. He said I should relax, when I objected saying it was an 1100 quid pram he said I was a snob for thinking that way, that he felt comfortable leaving the pram there and I should too.

Then a woman is standing quite close to the pram smoking and making a call. I keep checking the pram, and every time I look she looks back a bit angrily. Now in hindsight she must have thought I was staring at her, but at the time it was doing nothing about my anxiety about the pram.

This led me to do something that I do regret deeply. DH started his spiel again about needing to relax, and I snapped at him that there was a slightly rough looking woman staring at our pram. After this DH leaves to entertain DS outside, because I was both juggling DS and looking after the pram.

When I finish my now cold soup I go outside and enter an argument with DH, apparently the woman's husband stood in the queue and possibly overheard what I had said and he had been getting angry looks. Like I said, I regret this and I feel awful that I have made this woman feel bad.

This has then led to a wider conversation about how I have been an arsehole and since I have had my child I have become stuck up. Me mentioning the value of the pram was an example of that.

Apart from this, I can't really think of instances where I have been mean to other people like that. I will admit to becoming more assertive since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure what I want with this post. I know I snapped, but I feel like I am not an arsehole overall. Maybe I'd like some validation that I was right to be anxious about the pram.

AIBU in thinking that this one incident does not justify my DH calling me an arsehole and that he was being very unreasonable?

@Butchyrestingface I seem to remember getting the pram plus accessories, Maxi Cosi and the 2way isofix base for 900 pounds

Clearly very ooo as I can’t understand why anyone would be so impractical as to spend a sum they personally think is considerable on a pram if the very difficulty in replacing it limits what you can do with it.

In two years of pram ownership, she has been limited this one time.

Surely you are aware that expensive prams are widely available and many people purchase and use them.

This can't be new information to people.

Maybe an arsehole to call her rough but over the pram- Nope it it got stolen have you got another £1100 you wouldn’t mind parting with to buy another? Plus I wouldn’t want someone smoking near my baby’s wheels

Omg I can totally understand. The trouble is when women have kids they become more assertive because it's not just about them anymore. If it had been stolen what would your husband have said?

Your husband was the ahole....100-percent it was him
he ought to have been more sympathetic over your anxiety about the pram and not insisted that 'it's my way or the highway'
I mean wtf!! ordering you to go along with his point of view on the matter 🤬

You do seem quite stressed out. Parenting can do that to you ime.

I think you were a bit of an arsehole on this occasion and I think you were ott about the pram. But I think your dh was unreasonable to call you a general arsehole, that is out of order.

Is he stressed too? Parenting is hard. Maybe have a good chat about how you’ve both been feeling.

I think people are being incredibly harsh on you here. And, unreasonably, focusing on the value of the pram. We cant all be perfect all the time and I think a-hole is a very degrading insult. Leaving aside the rights and wrongs, I would be hurt by that. Even B*tch is preferable in the heat of the moment. Put it behind you, it will all feel better tomorrow but tell DH that you did not appreciate being spoken to like that .

Hmmm the paranoia and anxiety over the pram could be a bit of lingering Post natal depression. Maybe go to the docs and see what they say.

OP
No woman with PND is an arsehole. So for your DH to criticise your mood after your DC was born is utterly unacceptable.

You didn’t handle the restaurant situation well but I also don’t get the impression that your DH was helping you cope. You don’t just snap out of PND it’s an ongoing journey and I suspect you may need a bit more help from your GP.

It seems to me that what is underlying all this is that your H wanted to go and have a nice, enjoyable, relaxing lunch but that you put the mockers on that by fretting about the pram. Whether you were right or wrong to fret about the pram has been thoroughly discussed above, but the upshot was that what could have been a nice lunch out, wasn’t.

My advice is to plan better next time. Pick somewhere that can accommodate the pram, or leave it behind.

My first pram for my dc cost more than my first car. It cost more than OP's 10 years ago.
OP your DH wouldn't have wanted to get a replacement pram so it should also be up to him to keep an eye on it.
Smoking around prams is a really dick move and I would have been seriously unimpressed in your shoes.
Your DH honestly hasn't covered himself in glory either here.

Even Btch is preferable in the heat of the moment.*

Personally, I would not accept my dh calling me a bitch.

To me arsehole is pretty jokey and trivial. I often call myself an arsehole in good humour. So it depends on the ops sense of it.

It's a pram at the end of the day. Sometimes you just have to leave them places. I've only had prams worth £500.
It's only valuable to me if my babys in it. If I have my baby I don't give a fuck if someone walked off with it. I mean it'd be a bit shit but at least my babys not in it.

I don't think you being anxious about a pram is enough to call you an arsehole though.

I’m always a bit surprised at the judgmental, self-righteous responses to things like this (I’ve only been on MN for a year or so!)

I have an expensive pushchair - not as expensive as the OP’s though - because it was the only one that met my needs where I live (harsh climate, not the UK). And naturally I do worry whenever I have to leave it outside anywhere because I can’t afford to replace it. I also worry when people handle it roughly for the same reason. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if someone was smoking near it outside (though I recognise that they would be within their rights to do so). I don’t think it is unreasonable to feel anxious about things like this when they are to do with your baby. I’m very precious about my baby and his belongings and I’m not at all sorry about it!

As for the “rough” comment - well, who can honestly say they haven’t made unkind remarks about a stranger in a private conversation with their partner? I don’t think it makes you an arsehole or a snob or whatever - just human.

Neveam it isn't 'just a pram' if you can't afford to replace it though, you'd be pretty bloody trapped until you got a replacement.

I had my £1500ish bugaboo nicked from inside the pram bay at my GP surgery whilst getting my daughter weighed when she was born so I don’t think your concerns are unfounded, people absolutely do steal peaks and not everyone has insurance. He shouldn’t of dismissed your worry like that even if he didn’t share the same concern it doesn’t make yours any less valid and he should afford it and you a decent amount of respect.

That being said judging someone on their looks is something that I really detest and it’s really quite unfair, though you seem to realise that’s and are holding yourself accountable.

I don’t think you’re being an arsehole at all.

How was mentioning the cost of your pram snobby - it’s just stating a fact?
And yes people do steal expensive prams all the time so you weren’t being “paranoid”, you were concerned with good reason. To be honest I’d have folded it up and brought it in.
Your dh was really out of order I think.

It's only valuable to me if my babys in it. If I have my baby I don't give a fuck if someone walked off with it. I mean it'd be a bit shit but at least my babys not in it.

Oh my God...

So? What relevance has this got to anything, let alone the OP?

Either you need a pram, or you don't.

If you have a baby or toddler, you need a pram. And will be massively inconvenienced if someone nicks it.

Man, this thread is really flushing out the numpties.

He was mean to state that you have been an arsehole for the last couple of years. Most of us could be very anxious and protective as first time parents and PND (diagnosed or otherwise) is a cruel and horrendous illness which compounds the issue.

The value of the pram is irrelevant, but it is still your key to being able to get out and about easily with your toddler and is expensive to replace so you were understandably anxious about leaving it outside. It is why I always refused to leave them outside when mine were that age, and places that didn't accept them (there weren't many of those, thankfully) or were sniffy about it did not get my custom.

As my children became toddlers I ditched the bigger prams I had needed for them as babies in favour of cheaper, lighter and easier to fold strollers. They made life when out and about far easier and took up so much less space wherever we were. Perhaps you could consider doing that.

I'd suggest that you need to pay another visit to your GP too, as your PND may still be an issue and you need support.

Also, a serious conversation with DH might be a good idea. He needs to appreciate that you have been struggling with anxiety for the last couple of years, and be more supportive. He could have taken more of a turn looking after your child so that you too could eat more comfortably today.

You shouldn't have made audible comments about the appearance of the other woman who was outside near your pram, but you have acknowledged that so I doubt that you will make that mistake again - and we can all make mistakes/act like arseholes at times.

We used to ave our pushchairs outside nursery. It was down a corridor with a gate at the top and bottom, unlocked, but the pushchairs were in an alcove sort of thing and not terribly visible from the pavement. We'd been leaving the pushchairs there for a year or two. Everyone did.

Then someone stole a pushchair, which happened to be mine. We couldn't afford a replacement and dh refused to see if it was covered by contents insurance. He said it was my fault and I should take the consequences. After some weeks of scrimping I managed to save a few quid and got a rather tired looking pushchair from a charity shop.

People do steal prams, of course they do. Get some sort of disabling device for next time, maybe a large U lock like the ones they use on bikes. Also, get your postcode put on the pram itself. If it is nicked, it'll make it easier to identify if it's found.

Yes,you were being a bit too anxious about your posh pram.and the so called rough smoking woman. I daresay my late husband called me an arsehole over the years that we were married, but,in one ear,out the other ha ha. who cares !

If you're that anxious about it, get a different pram. What's the point in having something that expensive if it makes you anxious?

I think there's a massive difference between "you're an arsehole" and "you're being an arsehole" so it really depends on exactly how he worded it. I wouldn't say that to my husband nor he to me but I might say he's being a bit of a dick. I think arsehole is quite strong.

If you go around visibly judging people though, expect to be called out on it. It isn't pleasant behaviour for anyone. My parents do it all the time and I hate it.

Your DH should have handed you DS, folded the pram and assertively taken it to the staff to be stored. He was a bit of an arsehole not to do that, to be fair.

He was an arsehole to not insist on taking the pram into somewhere OP said its doesnt fit?

Even though it was OP who 'had her heart set on going in'.

Dont be so ridiculous.

I'm sorry but I just do not believe that most people would have been ok with leaving a pram of that value out of sight. But this is sanctimonious MN where everyone pretends they're perfect and would never have an unkind or negative thought about anyone!Well except the imperfect OP they're sticking the boot into but they deserve it. Right?

I think your DH was lazy and prioritised himself and I'd be willing to bet money that if the pram had been stoked it would have been you that had to deal with the inconvenience, insurance claim, arranging another one.

"everyone pretends they're perfect and would never have an unkind or negative thought about anyone!"

Having unkind thoughts - normal. Voicing them so the person overhears - pretty shitty.

I wouldn't have a pram that expensive and I certainly wouldn't have it if it was causing me anxiety to leave it unattended and if I did, I would buy a lock for it.