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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bought a motorbike knowing my feelings

223 replies

Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:16

So for years I have told my husband my concerns regarding the safety of bikes. He said he's love one but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home. I'm very aware of the dangers of bikes having worked in the emergency services I see first hand the carnage.

Today he arrived at my place of work to surprise me. He arrived with a motor bike. Aibu to have blown my top and sent him away with a red ear. He never said he was buying a bike today.

OP posts:
Neron · 23/09/2019 08:45

Makes perfect sense @BunloafAndCrumpets

@Har23 not much time at all, and I wasn't trying to be constructive.

NameChangeNugget · 23/09/2019 08:47

YABU

Moondancer73 · 23/09/2019 08:49

I lost a friend just a few weeks ago in a motorbike accident. He was 48, been riding since he was 16 so very experienced but it happened none the less. I'm not surprised you're worried to be honest - I wouldn't want anyone I love on one

SconeofDestiny · 23/09/2019 08:51

What an arse!
My friend lost her husband on a bike crash. Her children were 4, 6 and 8 yrs old.
Tell him to find a new hobby or a new wife.

Lweji · 23/09/2019 08:55

How on earth are you safer on a bike.

The pp did give an example. Although, it's (almost) always possible to find exceptions to any rule.
A scenario where it's safer to be on a bike doesn't make bikes safer in general.

Lweji · 23/09/2019 08:57

Having said that, I know of more people who were killed cycling, but we don't see the same "I won't allow cycling" attitudes.

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 09:03

As I have said before, unless you have know first hand the devastating impact bikes can have on people you won't know what you are talking about. To all who have said bikes are safe my dp safely riding for years etc, come back to this discussion when they have come off and are either killed or severely injured. Or be in the same room as a family when the news is been delivered that someone has been killed. But wait they were such a careful driver, no good to them while there laying mangled lying on a slab. Then come tell me you know what you are talking about!!!!!

OP posts:
Neron · 23/09/2019 09:14

OP plenty of the responses here are from people who know what they are talking about. You are upset and worried for your DH and people get that. You don't get to dismiss people and tell posters to come back when their loved one has been injured or killed because that might not happen. People have tried to reassure you and tell of of their experience. They have even suggested track days which are hugely beneficial and are excellent to do.
I feel sorry for your DH and even more sorry for your child because you've scared them in to thinking daddy is going to die when he rides the bike. What a thing to put in your own child's head.

CassianAndor · 23/09/2019 09:15

Stats from ROSPA:

1% of road users are motorbikes
18% of RTA fatalities are motorbikes

flouncyfanny · 23/09/2019 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tatiannatomasina · 23/09/2019 09:19

Im with you OP, no one is safe on a bike. He knew how you felt and did it anyway. Massive betrayal in my book and I would ask that he gets rid of it. My collegue was killed riding his police motorbike, no one is immune to the dangers.

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 09:24

Neron I just seen your name and another lenght post that I'm not going to read because as I've already said nothing you have said is of interest.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 23/09/2019 09:26

I can understand the pull. I was a biker for
25 years and there is absolutely nothing like the thrill of the open road or going for a ride out with biker mates.
I had to reluctantly give it up three years ago as my back is too bad now to handle moving a big bike around.
However I would have been furious if any husband of mine had made a big expensive purchase like that without consulting me at all. He is not a single man and does actually have other people to considerive.
What a nerve.
What makes me angry is seeing adults with kids on the back in mini motorbike gear. It is bloody dangerous. Cars just pull out on you without looking and road conditions including invisible gravel can be lethal.
I've lost a lot of friends through road accidents and quite a few others have been mangled at very slowell town speeds by cars pulling out and so on.
I've never had an accident myself but lost a good friend a few weeks ago. He always rode too fast and was way too over confident. I'd hate my adult son to ride. Luckily he has no interest.
Is your husband having a mid life crisis?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/09/2019 09:27

Those saying that the OP must have put thoughts of bikes being dangerous in her sons mind - my daughter aged 8 was concerned about her dad buying a scooter. Not from me or her dad since we both thought it was a good idea. He died riding it through absolutely no fault of his own when she was 9.

Hobbies are great but taking up a risky one when you have a family is selfish.
The fall out if something bad happens is massive.

Also ironically for all those saying the OP is controlling while also telling her she must make sure he wears appropriate clothing - ironic much?

AJPTaylor · 23/09/2019 09:29

Yanbu

I worked dealing with insurance claims from injured bikers. I was always clear I couldn't bear dh to have a bike, nor my kids. I am not an anxious person by nature but could not stand waiting for someone to come home in the rain etc.

Bouledeneige · 23/09/2019 09:34

I wouldn't allow a motorbike in my home either - they are a devil on the stairs.

I'm not sure how one adult forbids another to do something in an equal relationship though.

Chillisauceboss · 23/09/2019 09:35

I'm in the huge minority but I am on your side OP. You work in emergency services and have seen firsthand many bike accidents and your family have known a neighbour to die on a bike. I think knowing this particular anxiety of yours and that your child has that your DH has been selfish to get a bike. Why not spend his money on bike tracks at weekends to get the experience but less danger and more of a compromise

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 09:37

I didn't put the thought of my husband dying in to the mind of a child. But I can sing that from the roof tops. I know I didn't and he knows i didnt and well that's all that matters.
My DH said nothing will happen to him as he will be safe on his bike. He won't make any mistakes and won't ride it when it's raining. I wish I could foresee the future like him

OP posts:
Neron · 23/09/2019 09:46

Why so rude OP? Just trying to help

LaurenSarah22 · 23/09/2019 09:48

If he wants a buy let him have a bike. Wife or not you cant stop him from buying one. My dad, sister and uncle all ride bikes and my husband used to race them but I would never stop them from buying one

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 09:51

Lol I'm obviously so controlling and dictatorial that he didn't fear me when he went ahead and bought one. Hmmm

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 23/09/2019 09:52

"A red ear" I don't know that phrase. Did you shout and screech at him? Did you hit him? This was at your place of work?

YWBU to behave like that.

If you disagree or are angry about a financial decision or the risk you believe he's courting then you probably would get your point across more by discussing it, thoroughly.

LakieLady · 23/09/2019 09:56

*Has he gone from straight to passing test to getting huge poweful bike?

If so, then he's a dangerous biker. They dont have the experience to react or to handle the bike.*

I'm very pro-bike, but I agree with this. He should spend a year riding round a city on a Honda step-through first, till he has some idea how utterly invisible motorbikes are to many drivers, despite DRLs being compulsory and most bikers wearing some high-vis stuff.

Hitting some SMIDSY idiot at 30 is a lot less damaging than doing it at 70. My mate had a SMIDSY at 40mph and, despite going right over the care and smacking into the road, her only injuries were 2 broken thumbs from braking really hard and some bruises.

madcatladyforever · 23/09/2019 09:58

Har 23 your husband is being ridiculous.
It doesn't matter if he is the most careful and sensible rider in the world ( which I very much doubt) most accidents are caused by other motorists pulling out or "not seeing" bikers. And you can't see gravel or oil in the dark.
I think he is being incredibly selfish. I hope you have him very well insured.

Babdoc · 23/09/2019 10:02

OP, I’m a retired doctor who, like you, has seen plenty of appalling injuries and deaths from motor bike accidents, usually caused by car drivers not seeing them and suddenly pulling out in front of them. The bikers had no way to predict or avoid the crash and such high speed impacts are unsurvivable.
The arguments against owning a bike have been covered thoroughly on the thread, so I’m not going to rehash them. I’m more concerned about the state of your marriage.
Your DH seems to not consider your feelings, or his responsibilities as a husband, father and provider.
He has acted entirely selfishly, with no regard for you. He sounds rather like a typical “mid life crisis” chap, wanting to whizz about on a bike and pretend to be young and single again.
Maybe you need a discussion with him about his attitude to you and his responsibilities. And as PPs have said, he absolutely must get a sizeable life assurance policy and make a will. It would be unforgivable if his stupid hobby left his family financially destitute as well as grieving.