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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bought a motorbike knowing my feelings

223 replies

Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:16

So for years I have told my husband my concerns regarding the safety of bikes. He said he's love one but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home. I'm very aware of the dangers of bikes having worked in the emergency services I see first hand the carnage.

Today he arrived at my place of work to surprise me. He arrived with a motor bike. Aibu to have blown my top and sent him away with a red ear. He never said he was buying a bike today.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 22/09/2019 18:33

My dh wanted one, I thought they were too dangerous. I told him if he gets one then i’ll get one too and that was the end of that!

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 18:34

Also, but I cant imagine he wants to keep the bike in your home. So that's not going to be an issue. Wink

tillytrotter1 · 22/09/2019 18:36

My 7 year old thinks he is going to die. He still went ahead with it

I wonder where he/she got that idea from!
You're his wife, not his mother, he's allowed to make decisions on his own. Would you accept him trying to micromanage your life?

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 18:36

Are u implying that I could have possibly put that idea in to my child's head that her dad could die on a bike.... I'm not going to even justify you with an answer. It doesn't take a genius to work out there dangerous

I am saying it outright. You donr expect to have such firm feelings on motorbikes and expect people to believe that your misinformed child got the idea from you?

Whatafackinliberty · 22/09/2019 18:37

The only reason the children think hes going to die is because you've told them he is. Shame on you.

Original poster
Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:38

For anyone suggesting that I have put it into the mind of a 7 year that her dad will die is narrow minded and disgusted. Our neighbour was in a fatal accident. He was riding a bike. So enough with the narrow minded comments. I am not dictatorial. I just don't want my son to be around them. dictatoral well then so be it.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 22/09/2019 18:39

@Tilltheendoftheline probably because he died on a motorcycle and he was driving it. Just for clarity he didn’t die of cancer or a heart attack!! I’m not saying he was to blame. It happened on an infamously dangerous road and l know people often don’t see bikes

Willow2017 · 22/09/2019 18:41

What the heck are you telling your kids that they think.thier dad is going to die if he rides a bike?

I know plenty 'bikers' for 20+ years not an accident between them.
Stop the hysterics and scaring your kids out their wits. How sad that they are terrified about something they know nothing about.

Proper safety measures, sensible riders reduce risks to minimal.
Your dh is an adult you don't get to tell him what he can and cannot do if there is no extreme monetary/family time impact.

Your experiences are only a fraction of the thousands of people who.ride bikes regularly. Stop making it all about you. Don't you trust him to.be sensible?

Original poster
Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:41

I might also add that I don't relay my concerns on the shoulders of a child. My concerns are spoken in private out of ear shot of influential CHILDREN!!!!!

OP posts:
tashac89 · 22/09/2019 18:42

'Our neighbour was in a fatal accident. He was riding a bike'

Sadly people are in fatal accidents in cars frequently too. Does your child assume you driving a car means you are going to die? No one has said you have told your child her dad is going to die, but you seem to have very strong views on bikes. Your DC is going to pick up on that.

Original poster
Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:42

Willow2017. Where did u read that

OP posts:
Marzipane · 22/09/2019 18:42

You admit you are being dictatorial and you are being controlling because you have told him you don't want him to have a motorbike, when he wants one.

How would you feel if your DH told you to give up a hobby you absolutely love that nothing else compares to?

Sadly we can't protect our loved ones all of the time. I understand your concerns, as I said upthread, but it's very unreasonable to expect or even ask your DH to give up something he enjoys.

I don't know why you're posting on AIBU if you're not at least prepared to see YABU?

whiteroseredrose · 22/09/2019 18:42

I'm with you. Just not worth the risk with young DC. And he knew your feelings and went ahead. Is it worth it for a bit of a thrill?

My BIL is like this. Raced bikes even though his DW was unhappy about it. One race he insisted they came along to cheer him on and he had a high speed crash. All over the tannoys there was the commentary that 'RoseBil' was unconscious and being airlifted to hospital. His DC kept asking their mum if their DDad would die. She said that she didn't know.

A few months later, ignoring his DD and DW's pleas he entered another race. At this point his DW left him.

TooManyPaws · 22/09/2019 18:43

This is not about control.

So what is forbidding an adult to have something then? It's his home too so why are you trying to ban a bike from your - presumably joint - home?

Hirsutefirs · 22/09/2019 18:44

Be constructive. Try to convince him to ride carefully.

Most of the accidents are avoidable.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 18:45

You sound like really hard work OP! He’s an adult and to be blunt he doesn’t need to ask your permission. Most people who own motorbikes manage to stay alive! 🙄

Cynara · 22/09/2019 18:45

Well... as Pp said, you're not his keeper, but I'm with you here OP. I work for the emergency services too and have far too many memories of scraping the mangled remains of (often completely blameless) motorcyclists off tarmac. As I have said to my DS, who is in thrall to the glamour of motorbikes, it doesn't matter how skilful or responsible rider you are. You're so vulnerable on a bike and all it takes is one dickhead in a car not concentrating properly. There's absolutely no way I'd I'd keep my mouth shut about my DP or DS buying a bike. Oh no. No chance.

whiteroseredrose · 22/09/2019 18:45

#Willow2017 they can be as good a rider as they want. They can't account for other road users. With metal all around you you've got a better chance of surviving.

The OP said that she is in the emergency services so has seen the aftermath first hand.

Original poster
Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:46

You can all hammer the keyboards all you like and try make it out that I'm the bad one here. My concerns are exactly that.. concerns

OP posts:
MrsLoganEcholls · 22/09/2019 18:47

I agree with you OP. My husband has a passing idea that a bike would be fun but I told him before we were married that it was not OK at all. I don't care if I'm called controlling or whatever else, that was my line in the sand, the same as yours.
If he's the sort of person that's going to keep it anyway, make sure you take a nice big insurance policy out on him in case the worst happens. It sounds crass, but that's what I'd do.

tashac89 · 22/09/2019 18:48

I get the concerns. My DP rides a bike to work, in all weathers as he doesnt drive a car, and it is worrying. But you posted in AIBU. And in trying to control another adults choices, yes you are.

Wizzbangpop · 22/09/2019 18:48

How did a 7 year old find out about the fatal accident? At that age if someone died I was just told they had an accident end of.

I realise that motorbikes are dangerous. But what if someone you know dies in a car accident or other vehicle accident. Does that mean your dc won’t ever travel by that mode of transport again. Or if some one heaven forbid dies in a house fire, they won’t go into a building again.

Also I’m going to repeat what other posters have said. And say that you can’t prohibit a grown adult from doing anything. And that sort of controlling behaviour is not healthy in a relationship.

adaline · 22/09/2019 18:50

I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home.

How is this ^^ concern?

He's an adult and it's his home too. You have no right to dictate like this.

Itsallpetetong · 22/09/2019 18:52

Op I agree with you. DH bought his first bike 4 years ago-I hated it then and hate it more now that he is ever trading up to more powerful bikes.

I hate how he goes on about filtering in traffic (legal, yes but I feel its dangerous), I hate how a friend has just lost an uncle in a motorbike crash, I hate when he is out for a ride I never know if I’m going to get ‘that’ call.

He knows I don’t like it but no way would I tell him he can’t have one.
So yes, YABU.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/09/2019 18:52

As someone whose husband was pretty badly injured coming off a bike I think YANBU. He didn’t get back on thankfully!