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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bought a motorbike knowing my feelings

223 replies

Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:16

So for years I have told my husband my concerns regarding the safety of bikes. He said he's love one but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home. I'm very aware of the dangers of bikes having worked in the emergency services I see first hand the carnage.

Today he arrived at my place of work to surprise me. He arrived with a motor bike. Aibu to have blown my top and sent him away with a red ear. He never said he was buying a bike today.

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 22/09/2019 19:09

My dad had a bike throughout my childhood. I never associated them with excessive danger. I recall a family friend dying as a result of a (non motor) cycle accident, and it was explained that sometimes tragic accidents do happen. I certainly didn't develop a fear of cycles as a result, because my parents explained it in an age appropriate way.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 19:09

U discuss things with your partner.

There want a discussion to be had. Because you were determined that your way is the only way.

What difference boils it have madebif he had told you?

Tighnabruaich · 22/09/2019 19:09

Har23 spookily enough I was thinking of starting a thread with a similar problem. My DH is a former biker, used to race, but hasn't had a bike for years. He's now getting one again, and there has been no discussion about it at all.

I get it. It's his money, it's his life.

But we live very rurally now, and the winding, twisty roads, claim the lives of many bikers every year. I have stayed silent so far, but I am both worried and annoyed.

He is in his late 50s - probably a long-delayed mid-life crisis. We have medical pals, who 'joke' about how bikers are called 'the donors' at hospitals.

I feel for you.

Willow2017 · 22/09/2019 19:11

Telling someone what they can and cannot buy for transport isn't concern it's 'Telling them*.
If that's not an attempt at control then what Is?

He isn't a child who.wants a new bike when he has a perfectly good one, he is an adult who has surely thought it through and sensible enough to.do it safely.
You didn't 'discussi'you laid down the law something totally different. Now you are psd off he didn't do as he was told.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 19:11

We have medical pals, who 'joke' about how bikers are called 'the donors' at hospitals.

Lovely. Do they realise those 'donors' have family and friends?

BlueBirdGreenFence · 22/09/2019 19:13

YANBU. My partner can do what they like but I would be so disappointed (and angry) if they were insistent on doing something that could be so devastating to OUR family. It's such an unnecessary risk.

Tighnabruaich · 22/09/2019 19:14

Tiltheendoftheline - doctors have very black senses of humour.

ShiftHappens · 22/09/2019 19:18

but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home

you are his wife, not his mum?

And why does your 7 year old think he is going to die. I guess this must come from you, OP?!? I understand your worries but to project them in such way only a young child so it worries about the parent dying is absolutely wrong.

YABU - in so many ways.

Crunchymum · 22/09/2019 19:19

I actually agree with you OP and I bet the majority of posters who have called you controlling will never have to face this kind of dilemma.

I'd be furious. For many reasons

  • worry about safety (given your background as a paramedic?)
  • fact he has just gone against your concerns without any middle ground (showing you how he plans to be as safe as possible, showing you different bikes some less powerful than he may like as a compromise, him at least trying to get you on board)
  • turning up at your work after he had sealed the deal
  • money (bikes are bloody expensive)

However reading a few previous threads he sounds like a selfish, insensitive prick who doesn't care about your feelings at all, so are you really surprised?

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 19:19

doctors have very black senses of humour.

Yes I am aware. Those people still have families.

joblotbubble · 22/09/2019 19:20

As I said bored!!!! I'm not bothered by the people who think I'm controlling and dictatorial. But he and I know I'm not and that's why we have a happy marriage

Yet here you are, raving on a forum about him Grin

OP, just take some time to help your child get past the worry.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 19:21

@Crunchymum op has clearly said there isnt a middle ground. Ans she isnt bitherws about the money.

I agree with the turning up at work though.

ShiftHappens · 22/09/2019 19:21

OP: Aibu?

MN: Yes, yabu.

OP: I am bored with the responses (pretty much unisono telling you the same thing).

Why did you bother posting, OP Confused

ErickBroch · 22/09/2019 19:21

YANBU. If you had always been clear about how much you are against them etc then that's that... If it was me it would be a dealbreaker, sadly. If my DP suddenly started doing coke all the time it would be a dealbreaker as he has known i'd never accept it, and vice versa!

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 19:22

But he and I know I'm not and that's why we have a happy marriage

Do you?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 19:23

doctors have very black senses of humour.

@Tighnabruaich get it right! 'Dark' sense of humour. Not 'black' FFS!

katmarie · 22/09/2019 19:25

A friend of ours had a bike, and had top of the range safety gear too. As well as riding it on roads he did racing at the weekends so was well aware of the risks and how to ride well and safely. He was hit by a car at speed, the driver just didn't see him. He survived but the following two years while he recovered have been hell for his wife and kids. Shes had to take the strain of providing for the household as well as doing all of the childcare and supporting him through his recovery, she also had to deal with him coming close to death, and in reality, even though hes doing exceptionally well, he still cant drive or work, and hes never going to go back to being the man she married. So I get why you feel the way you do op, I would react the same way if my dh bought a motorbike, in fact it might well be a relationship ender for us.

Tighnabruaich · 22/09/2019 19:25

VladimirsPoutine eh? whit?

Lweji · 22/09/2019 19:27

Although I share your concerns about bikes, I think you are being unreasonable in many aspects.

Your child wouldn't be worried about his dad dying just because of one neighbour unless they overheard you or heard you talk in those terms.

You didn't really open any doors to discuss safety. You just imposed a bike ban on an adult.

He may or may not be a good partner overall, but in this instance, I think you need to take a step back.

GingerKittenHuman · 22/09/2019 19:27

I can understand your concerns. My DP races a classic car and it does worry me terribly.

However I feel it’s his life and a hobby that he loves.

He does have very high life insurance so I’d suggest from a pragmatic POV that you get some if you don't have any already.

doublebarrellednurse · 22/09/2019 19:32

I take it you don't drive. Or cross the road. Or do sports. Or drink. Or have more than one child? Or do anything which may risk your life?

It's risky yes and you're not in full control of the situation, but that could apply to so many things in life. I'd be pretty furious if my partner just decided that I couldn't do something and banned it. I'd be equally furious if they had convinced my children that I was going to die if I decided to do something that I wanted to.

Wishiwasrunning2 · 22/09/2019 19:32

Somehow I think it would be different if he had always had a bike, and with it, years of riding experience.

I rode a motorbike before I had kids but once I was pregnant it was just a risk I wasn't prepared to take.

Also having been hit by a car as a cyclist I'd dread to think what happens to your body at greater speeds. It took me months of recovery to get back to normal.

You are totally NBU!!

Marzipane · 22/09/2019 19:33

@Crunchymum I've been in the same position and I think the OP is being very unreasonable.

My DH has broken his back, arm and numerous ribs because of motorbike accidents. None were his fault at all, and he's a very experienced rider. It was either bad drivers or bad luck.

He still rides, because he loves it. Sometimes I join him as a pillion, and I can understand the thrill.

Would I prefer DH to sell his beloved bikes? Sometimes. But they are his hobby, and it's his choice. Do I worry when he's out riding? God, yes. I never let on, though. I'd hate to stress him out before a ride. If he asked me my opinion, I'd tell him.

But he's an adult and just because I worry doesn't mean that anything will happen; you can't live your life in fear.

It doesn't seem like OP has a happy marriage from what I remember, so I think there are deeper issues here.

Wishiwasrunning2 · 22/09/2019 19:34

@katmarie totally agree, it's the impact it has on others around them.

EKGEMS · 22/09/2019 19:36

Work in a trauma bay or Trauma Critical care unit and you'll see the "lucky" motorbike survivors mangled on the road and reassembled by surgeons-it's horrific. Some of the bike riders were reckless and some were careful but a bike vs a car or vs a truck and bike rider loses always. She loves her husband and wants him to stay safe and sound. He knew her views and did it anyway without so much as "Hey I'm gonna buy a bike this weekend."