He bought a motorbike knowing my feelings

[Har23]

So for years I have told my husband my concerns regarding the safety of bikes. He said he's love one but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home. I'm very aware of the dangers of bikes having worked in the emergency services I see first hand the carnage.

Today he arrived at my place of work to surprise me. He arrived with a motor bike. Aibu to have blown my top and sent him away with a red ear. He never said he was buying a bike today.

he is sounding more and more idiotic tbh...classic mid life crisis and in this case you are probably right to be concerned.

No experience and rocks up with a powerful bike, get that life insurance sorted

A friend is in a wheelchair for life. They wanted a big family that is not possible now. Another friend came off bike and was hit by a car, brain damaged. Another friend has to work with people in Stoke Mandeville re: claims, motorbikes feature heavily in her brief.

So no I do not like motor bikes, our roads are too crowded with vehicles driven by idiots, never mind the dangers from wet leaves, mud etc. on the road.

Has he gone from straight to passing test to getting huge poweful bike?

If so, then he's a dangerous biker. They dont have the experience to react or to handle the bike.

I'm sorry. My DH suggested a bike and I clamped down on that straight away.

OP - I agree with you about the potential dangers of bikes, and why you would feel upset that he did not discuss it with you in advance but you can’t seriously expect to come onto an open forum like this, ask for opinions and then get cross with people who don’t agree with you.
You asked what people thought and they told you - it’s not their fault if they have a different viewpoint

Here's a link to check out tracks near you:

www.trackdays.co.uk/calendar/bikes/

It's a hell of a lot safer doing a track day than being on the road, especially if he's new to biking. The most damage he's likely to do is write the bike off! (Happy days for you).

My husband works in medicine and he'd have a fit if any of his family got a bike. He's had to tell too many relatives that their loved ones have died post motorbike accident so I totally get it. There is a reason why medics call motorcyclists walking donors.

To those condemning the OP, if you're married to someone, you have kids with that person is it not unreasonable to expect them to be responsible for trying to keep safe? If the worst should happen it's your kids growing up without a dad and you're widowed, life would be pretty unbearable. We're not an island in a marriage, if you want to take decisions without considering the rest of your family then stay single.

I'm with marzipane on this approach. He needs to learn, be safe and get guidance.

Let's be realistic here people. In a car you've got some protection, whether it works in your favour or not that's another thing. On a bike you have nothing except a pair of "leathers and gloves and helmet" no matter the cost they come an apart like plastic in an impact. Or wait now for u all to tell me I'm wrong there to

Actually, you can get leather suits with built-in airbags that inflate if you come off the bike, and no decent crash helmet should come apart in an impact.

I get that it's worrying, OP, but it IS possible to ride a motorbike safely. DP is 59, and has been riding since he was 16. He had a few minor offs in his first couple of years, but has been accident-free for over 40 years (well, almost - we don't count the one where another bike rolled into him when he was stationary at traffic lights, because he remained upright with his feet on the ground and there was just a tiny bit of damage to his number plate).

That 40 years includes 13 years when he was working as a motorbike courier and doing hundreds of miles a week, week in, week out. I'm a real scaredy-cat, and I have no fear whatsoever about going on the back of his bike. His brother used to race bikes (as did his father) and DP's done track days on really fast sports bikes, too, and is no slouch when it comes to speed. He's commuted by motorbike regularly, both long distances by motorway and through central London traffic.

If your DH isn't a very experienced rider, I'd strongly recommend he does one of these courses bikesafe.co.uk/ . They have a fantastic reputation. They teach riders how to anticipate and avoid potential hazards.

Yabu. If dp ever tried dictating I should give up horses it would be the last thing he said before becoming ex dp.

And it’s never acceptable to share your scare tactics with dc and then flaunt the result as emotional blackmail.

As a biker and a mother I no longer have bikers nor does my husband as we feel the risks are too high, that said we both miss them greatly and never say never we might get again but right now with a 3 and 5 year old it's a no way so I totally understand your worries and you are bang on , you ride one and the risks of a accident are high a risk I won't take. That said you can decide that for your husband , everyone has a different view on what risk is and how acceptable it is. Leave him be and just tell him he better have good life insurance.! There is a high chance he will be perfectly fine going about on his bike.

You could put sugar in the petrol tank I guess.

If he's adamant he's keeping the bike OP then encourage him to take the Advanced Rider course through IAM. My husband did this and was taught by a very advanced rider (ex police). It improves their road anticipation and teaches them to be a better rider in different environments. It often qualifies them for cheaper insurance too.

Experience counts, whether it a car, bike, horse, boat....the list goes on.

But to pick something up im mid 30s and go from learner to powerful bike?

Nope. All wrong.

I speak from a motorbike family. Ive seen the build up to a big bike and there is a big difference.

Also between types of bikes. If its a powerful sportsbike,it can take off like a racehorse with just a minuscule touch of the wrist.

He needs to get to know his bike in a safe place.

YABU.

You don't like bikes. He does. You've indoctrinated your son to think his daddy is going to die.

Take a step back.

A 7 year old is perfectly capable of judging a motor bike to be dangerous, my dad used to be a biker and I was terrified for him. Ironically he was injured in a car accident, he was driving his very safe car and was stationary when someone slammed into the back of him causing damage to his legs which rendered him unable to bike. Shortly after that my friend’s dad was killed on a bike.

OP I’m with you, it’s not controlling he’s being selfish. I’m not sure what you can do though.

It's not just a matter of buying a bike and riding off into the sunset...
He has got the correct licence, hasn't he? If his skills are rusty than an intensive refresher course will be in order.
If not then he'll need to do motorbike theory, Compulsive Basic Training leading to getting the correct motorbike licence for the bike he now owns.
It goes without saying that he should wear all the correct protective gear at all times, regardless of heat..... And get decent insurance as well.

If he hasn't done the correct training then he's a prat. I can understand your fears and I just hope his attitude towards biking is responsible.

Oh my god I'd be furious! I have two friends who have died on their bikes and my friends husband is in hospital still after two months after a terrible crash. Motor bikes are much more risky than being in a car.

Make sure he has good life cover insurance!

I don't like motorbikes and I've seen what motorbike accidents can result in. I'd be thinking pragmatically at this point and fixing up some decent life insurance.

My DP did similar to yours (got a bike without me knowing). He had safely ridden bikes for nearly 20 years when he was younger. Within 3 months of having the new bike he was in a near fatal crash just biking home at a safe speed. The crash has been proven to be not his fault (someone turned - at speed - in to his path, he had no chance). He was in hospital for a long time, then physio & rehab, then crutches. Missed holidays, lost earnings, miserable summer, etc. But lucky to be alive.

So I get where you are coming from. YANBU.

I can't believe the people on here calling you controlling... I work in an ED, and have seen too many horrifically injured motorcyclists to ever want to go near one. My DP knows my feelings on the matter and I'd be furious if he bought one, I'm not controlling, but seeing that many injuries, telling people that their husbands are dead (it's always been men), takes a toll on you. The people that are saying you're controlling don't and can't understand.

”I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home.”

Good job you’re not married to me, OP. Any attempt to take that sort of dictatorial, control-freak approach would get you into very serious trouble.

Hi OP, I do understand where you are coming from and I get why you reacted how you did. He's your DH and you love the guy so understand your worry.

I'm a biker, so is DH. I've got permanent damage from being hit by a car because the woman was too busy on her phone. I have all the gear and it did save my life.
Bikers are are far more observant than any other road user (75%), but we can't help the stupidity and dangerous actions of other people. Motorcycles themselves are not dangerous and I always see these comments trotted out. Of course we're always going to be worse off then someone sitting in car, there is no metal box around us to take the impact.

I do think YABU to dictate to him though, and it's a sad thing to read about your child worrying their Dad is going to die on a bike. That came from somewhere and it's unfair to let a child be burdened with that fear and anxiety.

I’d be gutted too, but there isn’t really much you can do about it unless it’s a red line for your marriage. Regardless of what other posters say they are more dangerous than other modes of transport and people who ride them are more likely to be involved in fatalities than any other kind of accident, and wearing decent leathers and a helmet won’t always help.

I think we need to know what “powerful bike” he has purchased.

Your idea of a powerful bike, my idea of a powerful bike, and the ideas of those posting and saying he should be careful are likely to be very different

If he has done the relevant test and has the relevant license I can’t see an issue bigger than people who go horse riding, down hill mountain biking, scuba diving, extreme gimp mask wearing etc.

I understand your concerns but like you say they are just that and not a reason for him to not take up or continue a hobby he's always been into.

I have concerns about my husband working on roofs and even though safety is very strict he's still had colleagues have serious life changing accidents. He's actually really good at his job and likes it. He understands my concerns but that doesn't mean he should quit his job to not piss me off.

It's hard to tell how stupid he has been here though. I've seen a few people ask but I didn't see the answer. When did he get his motorcycle license? Has he had it for years and had it before you met or has he been taking lessons in secret? If he's just gone and bought one knowing he can't legally ride it for a while and hasn't ever sat on a bike that would be what I'd be annoyed with as he laid not approaching it responsibly and safely.

If he hasn't got his license he likely won't have tax and insurance yet either?