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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bought a motorbike knowing my feelings

223 replies

Har23 · 22/09/2019 18:16

So for years I have told my husband my concerns regarding the safety of bikes. He said he's love one but I made it quite clear i wouldn't allow a bike in our home. I'm very aware of the dangers of bikes having worked in the emergency services I see first hand the carnage.

Today he arrived at my place of work to surprise me. He arrived with a motor bike. Aibu to have blown my top and sent him away with a red ear. He never said he was buying a bike today.

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 22/09/2019 21:25

Op I think you’ve been given a really hard time here.

Loving someone and not wanting them to be hurt is not controlling. There is no way I’d want any member of my family on a bike. I would do everything I could to prevent this happening and the fact your dh went behind your back would really hurt me.

Workingisntworking · 22/09/2019 21:29

I haven't read all the replies but I would be so upset if my dh bought a motorbike knowing how I feel about them.

As a grown adult my dh is free to make his own choices but this would honestly be a deal breaker for me. Despite knowing that there are many other ways he could get injured every day, I couldn't deal with the anxiety and worry I would feel every time he went out on the bike.
I understand that lots of people ride bikes and are completely comfortable with them but I'm not so I can understand your upset and anger.

fairydustandpixies · 22/09/2019 21:34

I was a passenger in a car a number of years ago driving along a beautiful coastal road. Car in front of us, a coach in front of them. A black bag flew over the coach. It screeched to a halt as did we all, black bag landed next to the drivers door of the car I was a passenger in. It wasn't a black bag...

Magicpaintbrush · 22/09/2019 21:34

Well, I have mixed feelings as yes, he is an adult and can do as he pleases - however YANBU to be worried about it and I feel it's really not kind of him to do something that he knows will cause you huge anxiety. Your fears are not unfounded - as you know first hand. I personally know two people - one of whom was my ex boyfriend and only 30 years old - who were killed on their motorbikes, both times because a car driver didn't see them. I know another who is only alive today because his bike helmet protected him when he came off his bike and skidded face first across the ground so fast it literally sanded the chin area of his helmet off (which would otherwise have been his face) and he broke pretty much every bone and was in virtually a full body cast for months. It is a dangerous business.

fairydustandpixies · 22/09/2019 21:38

I've never allowed my sons to ride motorbikes and both my ex husbands were bike riders - one was the driver in the car I was a passenger in, he had a nervous breakdown afterwards. Never rode a bike again.

BrokenWing · 22/09/2019 22:01

Dh used to have a motorbike, I tried pavilion a couple of times but never liked it as felt exposed. I would never have told him I wasn't happy with him having one. I occasionally told him I worried about him on it, but no more than that.

I know one person killed on a motorbike, young lad not paying attention ran into the back of a van. I know 3 people killed in separate car accidents. A colleagues daughter was killed on a coach. Don't know anyone killed on a bicycle, which must be more exposed than any transport on the road. Road accidents happen whatever vehicle you are in, why do you get to pick and choose the transport your dh takes, he is an adult and can decide for himself?

Alwayshangryhangry · 22/09/2019 22:04

I think, gulp, YANBU. My dh and I had a similar conversation. He would like a motorbike, I feel really uncomfortable with the idea. I would like another baby, he feels really uncomfortable with the idea. Perfect!

Original poster
Har23 · 22/09/2019 22:05

I really can't say it enough of times I'm not controlling my husband. I love him so much that the worry I now face is overwhelming. Yes we have had our ups and downs but doesn't everyone. The actual fear is real. He has now said that he's going to be safe, he's a good driver. That may well be but I'm afraid you can't control the other drivers. I've seen enough and know enough. No matter how good you think you are on a bike, you are no match for the car,lorry or other vehicle that's in your path.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 22/09/2019 22:08

He would like a motorbike, I feel really uncomfortable with the idea. I would like another baby, he feels really uncomfortable with the idea. Perfect!

Not really comparable as one is a joint choice the other is removing sometime else's choice. If you had a child together you would both raise together. If he had a bike you wouldn't need to ride It.

AnnAlder · 22/09/2019 22:15

Must say I agree with your concerns and would be equally horrified if my DH turned up with a motorbike. Anyone who blithely dismisses the dangers is an idiot as there is no way a person on a bike is as safe as other road users. Ask him how he would feel if any of your children got their own motorbike when old enough.

OxeyeDaisy · 22/09/2019 22:29

@Har23 I completely get where you are coming from. The thought of my OH on the road scares me to death. We have had many conversations about it. And it’s not him being silly that scares me but the car with the driver on their phone etc.

And we have had many chats about how it something happened to him in general I would be buggered

CassianAndor · 22/09/2019 22:32

DD’s godfather was paralysed from the waist down in his mid 20s, following a low speed motorbike accident.

YANBU. What a selfish areshole.

BetsyBigNose · 22/09/2019 22:36

YANBU at all @Har23 - my DH mentioned that he used to have a motorbike when we first started dating and I told him that I wasn't interested in dating someone who rode one, as they were so dangerous and I couldn't stand the anxiety I would feel every time he was out on it. He promised me there and then that he would never get on another motorbike, we've been married 15 years now and he's kept his word.

Our daughters are only 10 and 12 at the moment, but I've impressed upon them the dangers of motorbikes and specifically (as I fear this is more likely than them taking lessons and getting motorbikes of their own), getting on the back of one as a passenger. They've both said they wouldn't (and yes - I do get that they might change their minds!), but I take every opportunity to point out signs saying "Think Bike - 5 Motorbike Accidents on this road in the last 12 months" and things like that. Maybe I'm mean, but like you - I just want my family to be safe.

If I were you I would sit down with my DH and have a proper heart to heart, explaining the levels of anxiety you will feel every time he is out on his bike, how the phone ringing whilst he's out will make you shake and your stomach sink and ask him to please consider your feelings - you love him and simply want him to be safe.

Good luck, I hope he listens to your concerns and acts accordingly.

Cheeserton · 22/09/2019 22:44

YABU to try and tell him what to do.

However: For God's sake people, she's clearly just scared! Give her a bloody break and stop being so nasty about it.

flyingspaghettimonster · 22/09/2019 22:47

Yanbu. We call motorcyclists organ donors. I have made it abundantly clear to my husband and kids that I will never accept it if they choose to ride them. They know they will not be welcome in my home if they are so reckless with the life I have worked hard to preserve for them.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 22/09/2019 22:59

I’m very surprised you apparently didn’t see this coming given that he would have had to have done all the elements of his bike test, recently or otherwise.
Regardless, Yabu and Yanbu. Yanbu to be worried, I would be too, and Yanbu to be irritated with him rocking up at work with his new bike given that he knows your feelings on it but Yabu to try and tell a grown man what he can and cannot do as long as said choices do not have an immediate actual negative impact on your family.
I ride, I’ve weighed up the risks as an adult and made my choice. I would not appreciate being told what to do.

Fcukthisshit · 22/09/2019 23:11

Just a suggestion - how would you feel about him doing track days rather than riding on the roads? Might be worth considering - he gets to play with his new toy with less risk of injury.

Branleuse · 22/09/2019 23:20

I think that with you working in the energency services and seeing the aftermaths up close, as you say and also having your poor neighbour die in a bike crash, its hardly surprising you are so upset and sensitive about it.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 22/09/2019 23:40

Op I have worked as a medic with bike trauma too and I completely, completely get where you're coming from.

I've said similar to my DH, though due to his professional experience he wouldn't want ride either, thankfully.

I will be trying to follow the example of a pp and explain the risks/benefits to my own children when they are older in the hope of scaring them off! Both bikes and drugs.

I hope you can sort this. I would be devastated.

Neron · 23/09/2019 08:13

To the posters who will do their utmost to scare their children away from motorcycles - in your 'education' to them, would you also teach them to pay attention to the roads and not to use their phones because to do so can have serious after effects like maiming or killing someone? To also be considerate to all road users not just us bikers because cars are not toys, that we are real people with families and deserve to use a bike whether people agree with them or not?

Genuinely not being facetious here, it's how you feel. Those talks are usually negative and almost blame putting upon the biker because that's the method of transport we use. In most accidents, we are not the ones at fault.

Oh and the donorcycles comments - heard it all before. Shame there's hardly any talk of the blood bikers, the ones that volunteer their time, riding around transporting blood between hospitals, quite often in emergency situations. Hardly any talk about the events we do every years to raise thousands and thousands of pounds for charities, including the air ambulance.

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 08:24

Neron considering the lenght and the time you put in to write your post there is nothing constructive in it.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 23/09/2019 08:24

In many ways you're safer on a bike.

You can't get trapped in a bike, unable to move while it slowly catches fire.

My DP is a lifelong biker with zero injuries to date (he's actually had more crashes on his pushbike).

Original poster
Har23 · 23/09/2019 08:31

JorisBonson... I've never heard such a ridiculous statement. Your safer on a bike. No you are delusional. How on earth are you safer on a bike. Wow. Maybe your DP has just been lucky

OP posts:
BunloafAndCrumpets · 23/09/2019 08:34

Neron. Yes of course. I don't use a phone whilst driving and, like any caring parent, will discuss this with my children too.

I am used to dealing with health and risk as part of my job. In my opinion, a motorbike is not a risk worth taking. There are so many factors outside your control. A very good friend almost died as she came off her bike after slipping on oil on a bend in the road; she didn't see it. She wasn't negligent. She ruptured her spleen and was saved by the good fortune of having a car full of doctors on their way home from a conference who (completely non standard) had fluids and giving sets in the car. There are risks you can't mitigate and the statistics show that.

If my kids don't get a passion for motorcycling I will be delighted. Of course, you are entitled to ride a bike. It is your passion / an affordable way of getting around, I am not judging. I just don't want the worry of people I love doing it if I can avoid it. I hope that makes sense.

MaxNormal · 23/09/2019 08:41

I told DH before we got married that a bike was out. I'm not generally controlling but I didn't want that particular worry.
I really don't think it's as unreasonable as people are making out, to object to one's spouse doing something that is statistically quite dangerous. Would be a different matter if they were already a biker when you met them, then it would be on you to either accept it or walk away.

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