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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed or am I acting spoilt?

216 replies

sittingunderthetree · 22/09/2019 16:45

I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context

Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at his sisters. I'm quite close to his sister so she said it was fine for us to sleep there.

Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 11pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took 1 hour. Then he said he wanted to go and see his brother for a few drinks. Didn't get back to his sisters until 3am. Had to wake up at 8am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around about 3 hours whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Then he said he needed to go to see his family so we stayed at his mum's until 12am. He then met his brother again at 1am for a drink, and I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did. This morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car until now so his brother could help him carry stuff. He now is going for training for a sport he does until 8pm.

His sister has now gone on holiday and I don't feel comfortable sitting in her house on my own. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to pick me up at 8.

I feel like shit. I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be here and I just feel so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do.

On top of this I have had really bad chest infection so still have a temperature and feel sick.

I feel like such an idiot sitting in a coffee shop.

He's dropping me back home after his run but to be honest even tho I'm broke I just want to get a train...

Do you think I'm being childish ??

I don't even know whetehr to bring it up

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/09/2019 12:19

Kind of seriously, breathe deeply through your nose a few times.

You live in a different town. Block him and stop any contact. Report to the police if he persists in any way.

In future, beware of "you're so special" and talk of marriage, etc too soon unless you feel the relationship really has good legs to stand on. Beware of too sensitive people, sulkers, etc. Stand back and evaluate the relationship at regular intervals.

billy1966 · 24/09/2019 12:37

Healthy normal men don't love bomb you, tell you that you are so si special and they think they want to marry you after a few weeks.

That's what freaks do.

Freaks on the hunt for a victim.

OP, he has absolutely shown you that he is not a good, healthy man.

Today, you can make the decision to not be in another abusive relationship, or you can walk into another shit show of a relationship, that hurts and damages you, and keeps you from finding a good, kind, decent man to share your life with.

Your call.💐

IncrediblySadToo · 24/09/2019 12:56

Can you go home love?

You’re not well - apart from all of this

I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but you’ve had a very lucky escape early on

He’s talked a good talk in the early days, he said all the things you wanted to hear, but now he’s showing you who he really is. Apart from the crap treatment all weekend, he’s blaming YOU for his shitty behaviour!

You deserve SO much more than this twat!

Tell him there’s nothing to talk about - to just leave you alone

Luck your wounds, move in, you won’t regret it (once you get past the first few dats!!) 🌷

letsjog · 24/09/2019 13:25

OP he's a waster.
At least you realised this now and not in 5 years time.

"I won't be sitting around waiting for you. These past couple of days have shown me you are definitely not someone I see a future with. I'm calling it a day. Goodbye."

And then block and delete!

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 24/09/2019 13:36

It sounds like you’ve begun to notice the red flags, and to realise you’ve had a lucky escape.

This is classic abuser behaviour. He is testing you , to see how badly he can get away with treating you while still keeping you on the back burner for sex.

Block him, move on, thank your lucky stars. Be prepared for pressure to take him back.

MulticolourMophead · 24/09/2019 13:54

OP, don't go back, block him on SM, phone, etc.

He was the one with the manipulative, shitty behaviour. He's accusing you to keep you off balance. You haven't been shitty, or anything else he's accused you of. You deserve better than this bloke.

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 24/09/2019 15:14

@IncrediblySadToo

I've had to travel for a conference thing today so can't leave really. Mouth full of cold sores and not able to eat because I am so anxious.

Feeling majorly sorry for myself.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 24/09/2019 15:16

You should feel proud of yourself, you were conditioned by a git, you were meant to grovel back and it doesn't sound like that's an option. Well done.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/09/2019 16:14

Oh you poor thing, that sounds horrible!

Get home as soon as you can & tell them you will not be in for a couple of days. Stay home, eat what you can (soup?!) and get well!!

FuzzyPuffling · 24/09/2019 16:14

Exactly what manky said. Be proud of yourself for bending to his warped idea of what a relationship is.

It won't always hurt like this and in time you will realise what a lucky escape you had.

Nurture yourself for a while.

CalamityJune · 24/09/2019 16:25

You're best off out of it. Just a few months in a relationship, especially long distance he should be wanting to spend quality time with you. Moving house was always going to involve errands but I didn't understand all the meeting up with the brother at 11pm. Why wasn't he wanting to take you out for a drink, just the two of you? If he really was that busy, he should have considered you and decided that this weekend wasn't going to be much fun and leave it until another time.

category12 · 24/09/2019 18:07

Aw love Flowers. Sorry you're feeling unwell and anxious. Can you take some time off in the next couple of days to recoup? You're run down and shell-shocked.

How about doing the Freedom Programme when you're feeling up to it? freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php It'll help you reset your boundaries. Maybe some counselling as well to build you back up.

billy1966 · 24/09/2019 21:57

You poor thing. Get a tonic in any chemist to give you a much needed boost if you are not eating.

Things will get better for you, just not with him.

Mind yourself and get support IRL
💐

KatherineJaneway · 25/09/2019 06:50

He's incredibly shy and insecure ... The classic nice guy maybe?

Sounds like a classic arsehole to me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2019 07:40

I’m glad you’ve seen him for who he is. My brother was violent with me. Would still be if he had the chance. He was very shy with girls and very insecure. He bullied me terribly and made me feel like a non girl, subhuman. I’m sure he says the same about me. We are nc after the last violent episode. It has just hit me from this thread that he probably doesn’t like women. We are definitely very inferior. Mummy issues. His wife is really scary. Having looked at her traits and discussed it with a therapist, she shows psychopathic tendencies. I imagine that’s why the relationship works. She manipulates him.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 25/09/2019 11:11

Hi OP

Your updates have convinced me that he is playing horrible games with you and you will never be able to have a normal relationship with him and are better off out of it.

Even your coffee shop example. You don't see him all week. The first time you see him you go for coffee and he is scrolling on his phone. Not taking an urgent call (which during a house move would be understandable). Just using social media. Most people would find this offensive (see the 'friend called me ignorant' thread - friend 1 used her phone, friend 2 called her ignorant for doing so in her company, most posters agreed friend 1 was rude).

Saying 'am I disturbing you' is pretty direct. Manipulative behaviour is indirect, underhand, a sneaky way of trying to get someone to change their behaviour. So what you did was not manipulative at all. What he is doing, on the other hand, is indirectly saying that he should be able to get away with whatever behaviour he wants, even behaviour that the majority of people would find rude, and if you show any dissatisfaction at all then he will accuse you of all sorts including unfair criticism, being manipulative etc. And then he can 'punish' you for this by withholding affection. From an outsiders point of view, he is clearly trying to manipulate you into never mentioning a single small thing you don't like about him, by making it not worth the hassle. Its common for people to display the behaviours that they accuse others of.

In a healthy relationship, you can talk to the other person about things that annoy you. My husband complained I was waking him up going to the toilet in the night (creaky floorboards in there) so I started using the one downstairs. That's what people do when they respect the other, reflect on their own behaviour when its pointed out to be annoying, think about whether it's actually reasonable or not and if they can easily change it. Not attack the other for their reasonable comment.

Sorry you're going through this. I expect once he realises you arent interested the love bombing and promises of change may start - be prepared

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 25/09/2019 14:39

@GettingABitDesperateNow

Thank you for your response. This has consumed all my week so far. I keep flipping back from he does lots of things for me (including driving me home, buying me dinner etc) and that I should have kept my mouth shut, to feeling like a bitch because of the comments he made about me knowing he was insecure (he has told me a lot about his MH problems) to feeling just confused and that there's more to the reason he wanted to break up than this ... I am so confused.

He wants to met on Friday to talk in person - not sure what about.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 25/09/2019 15:29

@sittingunderthetree

OP one of my exes is the loveliest person I've ever met, kind and proud of me and great family values etc. But we just didn't feel that we were meant to be together, we both somehow knew that while we loved each other we weren't "it".

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't torture yourself with the "but he does xyz" so we shouldn't break up... even if he didn't do anything "wrong" or nasty, you're still both allowed to say for whatever reason it isn't working and so it's best to end it.

I think you both would like it to work but it isn't working and so early on there is already tension and issues.

It sounds best for both of you to move on otherwise it's going to turn toxic as you're both trying to modify your behaviour to avoid confrontation and will become resentful of this. Thanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/09/2019 15:30

(And I'm not saying that in a know it all way - we were together for four years and wrestled with knowing we needed to end it but feeling too sad about doing so for a year of that and now both regret that we spent a year upset together Thanks

GroggyLegs · 25/09/2019 15:46

I know you feel like shit OP.
I know you want a resolution so the bad feelings go away.

But has he apologised in any way for his shitty behaviour on the weekend and since?

category12 · 25/09/2019 15:52

Um, driving you home and buying dinner are normal, not extra-nice things. To me, that would fall under normal baseline expectations for a relationship.

The issue you have is you were afraid to talk to him about his inconsiderate behaviour because of how he'd react. 🚩🚩

You were proved right, because he went nuclear and dumped you. 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

Now he's trying to suck you back in with all these conversations. Stop giving him the power, walk away from him.

He's bad news, op. Please see it.

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 25/09/2019 16:04

@GroggyLegs no, I guess he hasn't apologised at all.

@category12 the drive is an hour; so when he drops me off he spends an hour on his own travelling back. which is 2 hours; the same time I was waiting in the coffee shop? This makes me think my reaction was out of line, because he has to go out of his way for me as well.

we haven't had a conversation since Monday night, he asked to see me on Friday then. We've both not contacted each other since then (I told him I wouldn't to clear my head).

it's hard to walk away because this is the first time we have argued and this has happened.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2019 16:10

First time you argue - he dumps you. Not normal.

And you were afraid to bring it up because of his reactions, so you've seen something from him before.

mankyfourthtoe · 25/09/2019 16:39

No this is the first time you've said what you actually think, no compromise or discussion, just the fact you're wrong

category12 · 25/09/2019 17:32

Also, given he'd just dragged you on a 4 hr round trip for an event of his, I think we can safely say distance driving is not something he views as a big thing.